God is all there is. The universe and I are the same. I have the strength in me to choose who I want to be. My mother can't take that away from me and no one can give it to me. It must come from me or it won't be healthy. Now I can't just have vague ideas like happiness or health as goals. I need specific, measurable things to work for with a fervency that can only come from inside me. I need to let go of the fear instilled by my mother. I can't be me if I fear anything. Fear makes you alter who you are. Love seeks to make you whole. Fear makes you feel as if you need something. If I feel that I need my mom to stop something, I'm not whole within myself. I need to realize that ultimately, she is me. I called this "outer" stimulus to make me doubt my inner peace. The book, 'The Little Soul and the Sun' by Neale Donald Walsch says that I brought this to me. Now I get to choose who I am in relationship to it. Will I love myself enough to be whole despite it, or will I create the illusion of need within me and search endlessly to fill a hole that doesn't exist. I am a soul that is whole. Nothing can break a soul. The song 'You're Never Alone' by Hatebreed says, "It's our struggles that define us and the hardships we endure. Your spirit can't be broken now, it's who you are." I am not my body. Hitler himself could never tear from me my self. What makes that self happy is what I need to work toward with a plan.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
All My Soldiers
I just thought of an analogy for the way my PTSD makes it difficult to create a beautiful future. Let's say that I have 20 soldiers fighting my daily battles. By this, I mean the full amount of attention I pay to any given objective. Now, what happens when some outer stimulus triggers a past memory, suddenly 18 of my soldiers sneak off to go fight the memory, leaving only two to help me with the task at hand. I'll just start doing poorly at what I'm trying to do, but I won't have any idea that I'm doing poorly.
I think this is why I have so many different diagnoses. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, dissociative disorder, anxiety, depression and ADD/ADHD. I think that what is really going on that ties it all together is PTSD. Being happy trying to achieve an objective, then being triggered into sudden inattentiveness can account for both the bipolar disorder and the ADD. It might seem to a casual observer that I go from happy to angry in no time flat with even the slightest provocation. It might also seem that I don't know how to focus my attention and concentrate well on a task, but that could just be that I'm no longer fully engrossed in the task with 18 of my soldiers fighting some invisible enemy that I'm not even aware of. That could certainly bring about anxiety and depression. It could also look as if I'm dissociating myself from a traumatic experience, whereas I might just be getting reminded of a past traumatic experience and reacting to that.
The VA refuses to diagnose me with PTSD so I'm just going at it alone. I also don't care anymore to try to get diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I've purchased books on both subjects and am reading them. I believe that the Asperger-like symptoms I exhibit might also be tied into the PTSD so I'm only reading the book for any insight into how others have dealt with it. I also bought a book on neuroplasticity which is the ability of the brain to fix itself from even severe damage. It is showing me that I can train my brain to overcome any deficiencies no matter how long I've had them. This concept ties into the reason I play the brain flexing games at Lumosity.com.
Of course, all of this is really a spiritual matter. The manner in which I was raised caused me to believe things about myself which simply are not true. I am perfectly capable of thinking just as well as anybody. Once I have healed myself spiritually, all the other perceived problems will simply melt away and what will be left will be a perfectly capable, whole person. I will also be able to feel things like love and compassion. Intangible feelings such as respect, honor and trust will no longer mystify me. Everything comes down to loving myself. If I had just done that in the first place, then my parents would not have been able to break my spirit.
I live in constant fear. I've heard that the constant threat of abuse leads to a hyper vigilance and that this can lead to mental fatigue. No wonder I am always so tired. I have always had trouble falling and staying asleep because I am always on high alert. My parents instilled in me the fear of being different from them. In other words, I fear being myself. That is why any growth in a positive direction triggers in me the fight, flight or freeze instinct. I usually just shut down mentally. That is why my subconscious sabotages any attempt I make at having a happy life. Also, since so much trauma happened while I was awake as a child, I made my dream world a comforting place to be. Therefore, waking up is my number one PTSD trigger. I start off every day in what some would call a manic episode. Sleep is the only peace I ever get. When I'm awake, not only am I hyper vigilant, I also can be triggered even deeper into inattentiveness by any number of outer stimuli. All this is very taxing mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I think this is why I have so many different diagnoses. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, dissociative disorder, anxiety, depression and ADD/ADHD. I think that what is really going on that ties it all together is PTSD. Being happy trying to achieve an objective, then being triggered into sudden inattentiveness can account for both the bipolar disorder and the ADD. It might seem to a casual observer that I go from happy to angry in no time flat with even the slightest provocation. It might also seem that I don't know how to focus my attention and concentrate well on a task, but that could just be that I'm no longer fully engrossed in the task with 18 of my soldiers fighting some invisible enemy that I'm not even aware of. That could certainly bring about anxiety and depression. It could also look as if I'm dissociating myself from a traumatic experience, whereas I might just be getting reminded of a past traumatic experience and reacting to that.
The VA refuses to diagnose me with PTSD so I'm just going at it alone. I also don't care anymore to try to get diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I've purchased books on both subjects and am reading them. I believe that the Asperger-like symptoms I exhibit might also be tied into the PTSD so I'm only reading the book for any insight into how others have dealt with it. I also bought a book on neuroplasticity which is the ability of the brain to fix itself from even severe damage. It is showing me that I can train my brain to overcome any deficiencies no matter how long I've had them. This concept ties into the reason I play the brain flexing games at Lumosity.com.
Of course, all of this is really a spiritual matter. The manner in which I was raised caused me to believe things about myself which simply are not true. I am perfectly capable of thinking just as well as anybody. Once I have healed myself spiritually, all the other perceived problems will simply melt away and what will be left will be a perfectly capable, whole person. I will also be able to feel things like love and compassion. Intangible feelings such as respect, honor and trust will no longer mystify me. Everything comes down to loving myself. If I had just done that in the first place, then my parents would not have been able to break my spirit.
I live in constant fear. I've heard that the constant threat of abuse leads to a hyper vigilance and that this can lead to mental fatigue. No wonder I am always so tired. I have always had trouble falling and staying asleep because I am always on high alert. My parents instilled in me the fear of being different from them. In other words, I fear being myself. That is why any growth in a positive direction triggers in me the fight, flight or freeze instinct. I usually just shut down mentally. That is why my subconscious sabotages any attempt I make at having a happy life. Also, since so much trauma happened while I was awake as a child, I made my dream world a comforting place to be. Therefore, waking up is my number one PTSD trigger. I start off every day in what some would call a manic episode. Sleep is the only peace I ever get. When I'm awake, not only am I hyper vigilant, I also can be triggered even deeper into inattentiveness by any number of outer stimuli. All this is very taxing mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
PTSTD
A little while back, I went to a hypnotherapist for age regression therapy. My purpose was to find out any sort of abuse I went through as a child. I happened to recall an incident during which I was sexually molested by a babysitter when I was perhaps one or two years old. Just this morning, I put two and two together and realized that maybe there was a connection to that incident and the cold sores I've gotten on my mouth from time to time for as long as I can remember. A doctor I had spoken to once had told me that cold sores are a variant of the herpes virus. I told him that I had been getting them all my life. I'm beginning to think that I might have contracted this venereal disease from my babysitter years ago. Of course, now that I think about it, it's quite disturbing to think about the fact that my mother gets cold sores as well.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Phase 2
Here's phase two of my bid for world domination. Tomorrow, July 11th, 2013, 'The Nocent part 2: Advent of the Scathing' goes on a 5-day free promotion for Kindle on amazon.com through July 15th. 'The Greater Number' sold 84 copies worldwide during its 5-day promotion! http://www.amazon.com/The-Nocent-part-Scathing-ebook/dp/B005AU9BFK/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1373517948&sr=1-2&keywords=paul+loh
Friday, July 5, 2013
Interviewing James
Zombie Evolution had the recent good fortune of being able to interview filmmaker James Cullen Bressack about his movie, 'To Jennifer'. Here is our conversation.
Zombie Evolution: Did the story for 'To Jennifer' come from a book or is it original to the screenplay?
James Cullen Bressack: "This was an original screenplay. Not based on any book or previous work."
James Cullen Bressack: "This was an original screenplay. Not based on any book or previous work."
ZE: If it's an original story, can you say anything about its genesis?
JCB: "The film really came from the notion of unrequited love. I really wanted to create something very unique to the iphone 5 as well. The format fell hand in hand with the storytelling. I felt where my first movie MY PURE JOY failed with its buddy comedy aspects, this film would succeed. I wanted to redeem myself so to speak."
JCB: "The film really came from the notion of unrequited love. I really wanted to create something very unique to the iphone 5 as well. The format fell hand in hand with the storytelling. I felt where my first movie MY PURE JOY failed with its buddy comedy aspects, this film would succeed. I wanted to redeem myself so to speak."
ZE: Why did you choose to play a supporting character and not the main character, Joey?
JCB: "I am not an actor, anyone can tell you that. I played Steven only because the way the character of Steven was written enabled me to direct the movie from within the scene. Steven was always working the camera, trying to get better angles and better lighting and exerting energy towards the other characters around him. Essentially Steven was making his own movie within the movie, which helped me to make my movie."
JCB: "I am not an actor, anyone can tell you that. I played Steven only because the way the character of Steven was written enabled me to direct the movie from within the scene. Steven was always working the camera, trying to get better angles and better lighting and exerting energy towards the other characters around him. Essentially Steven was making his own movie within the movie, which helped me to make my movie."
ZE: Was any of the dialog improvised? It seemed very natural. The chemistry between the characters seemed real.
JCB: "Not much of it was. There were a few scenes that were entirely improvised, one of which being the broken down motel crime scene, and that was because of the fact that it was a real crime scene we kinda saw and snuck onto, but everything was thoroughly planned and crafted to make sure the film stayed on track."
JCB: "Not much of it was. There were a few scenes that were entirely improvised, one of which being the broken down motel crime scene, and that was because of the fact that it was a real crime scene we kinda saw and snuck onto, but everything was thoroughly planned and crafted to make sure the film stayed on track."
ZE: How did you raise the funds to make this movie and how much did it cost to make?
JCB: "A magician never reveals his secrets, or his paycheck ;)"
JCB: "A magician never reveals his secrets, or his paycheck ;)"
ZE: When will 'To Jennifer' be released and where (Netflix, Redbox, etc.)?
JCB: "To Jennifer hits DVD October 15th through MVD! it should be in all those sources around that time as well."
JCB: "To Jennifer hits DVD October 15th through MVD! it should be in all those sources around that time as well."
ZE: How many movies has Psykik Junky Pictures made and what are they called?
JCB: "Wow! we have made a ton of movies come to think of it.... But the list goes:
MY PURE JOY
JCB: "Wow! we have made a ton of movies come to think of it.... But the list goes:
MY PURE JOY
THEATRE OF THE DERANGED
THEATRE OF THE DERANGED II
THEATRE OF THE DERANGED II
TREASURE CHEST OF HORRORS TREASURE CHEST OF HORRORS II
TREASURE CHEST OF HORRORS III
TREASURE CHEST OF HORRORS III
HATE CRIME
TO JENNIFER"
ZE: Would you ever consider making a movie off someone else's story (hint, hint I'm a zombie author)?
JCB: "If the story was right and the funding was in place I would. Thank you so much for taking the time to interview me. It was a pleasure."
JCB: "If the story was right and the funding was in place I would. Thank you so much for taking the time to interview me. It was a pleasure."
ZE: The pleasure is mine and my readers!
Here is a trailer for Theatre of the Deranged II. http://youtu.be/M-3gmu7bonw Here is the link to its IMDB page. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2262325/
Thursday, July 4, 2013
New Promotion
My book, 'The Greater Number' will be free again at amazon.com starting July 5 and going through July 9! http://www.amazon.com/The-Greater-Number-ebook/dp/B005C419G8/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1372923239&sr=1-1&keywords=paul+loh
Sunday, June 30, 2013
James Cullen Bressack
A Facebook friend of mine, James Cullen Bressack recently made a movie called, 'To Jennifer'. I did an advanced screening of it so that I could review it here. I must say, the sequence of events is unpredictable. I'm usually really good at knowing what's going to happen next in movies. There were a lot of surprise twists that I didn't see coming. This entire movie is shot on a cell phone. It actually seems like just a bunch of friends going through a situation. It doesn't even feel like a movie most of the time because the dialog is so natural and the chemistry between the actors is looks real.
The reveal at the end about the true nature of the relationship between the main character and the title character came as a welcome surprise to me. It changed everything I had thought about the dynamic of the characters up until that point. For what it is, I'd say it is very successful and well put-together.
The reveal at the end about the true nature of the relationship between the main character and the title character came as a welcome surprise to me. It changed everything I had thought about the dynamic of the characters up until that point. For what it is, I'd say it is very successful and well put-together.
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