Pastor of Muppets

  When I was in high school, I used to fall asleep with my earphones on blasting Metallica.  I deliberately did that because it would give me the most wicked dreams.  It is from those dreams that a lot of my writing comes.  I couldn't tell you how many scenes from the Nocent are just straight transcriptions of nightmares of mine.  That's how I know it's good shit cuz it scared the shit out of me.
  During high school, music was my stability.  I was an Army brat as you might know.  That, coupled with the fact that I'm bipolar gave me a deep-rooted desire to have any semblance of stability in my life.  That came in the form of my Star Wars toys, which always moved around with me anywhere my father was stationed.  Later in life, movies, books and music became foundations of stability for me.  No matter where I went, they were a constant.  Also as important, they were reliable, dependable, trustworthy and they never yelled at me or made me feel stupid.  They never told me, "It's easy!" when I couldn't do something.
  One of my favorite albums of all time is Blind Melon's eponymous first album.  I think Blind Melon is one of the most under-appreciated bands ever.  Most people would only be able to name 'No Rain' by them.  That is a good song, but it is one of my least favorite simply because the rest of their body of work is so strong.  Probably my favorite song of all time by anyone is 'Change'.  It has the same message of encouragement echoed by such bands as Hatebreed, Pearl Jam and Soulfly and preceded by Buddha and the Christ: "When life is hard, you have to change."  You can't change what the world is gonna do to you, you can only strengthen yourself so that you can overcome it.

The Beauty Of It All

  Not being able to have any contact with my wife, I've had to do a lot of things by myself lately.  Last night at the laundromat, I had a lot of time to read while waiting for my clothes.  I've been reading Friendship With God by Neale Donald Walsch.  I don't think it's any accident that I'm reading these particular chapters at this particular time.  Neale specifically asks God how you can find joy in situations where you find yourself alone.  God tells him that you are never alone.  You always have God with you.
  Joy comes from being able to express your true inner being.  He said that your heart is the bridge between your soul and your mind.  When you, for whatever reason, keep from expressing yourself, you restrict the freedom of the soul to connect with others.  It is connection that brings the highest joy to both parties involved.  Fear, inhibition, shyness, self-loathing can all get in the way of connecting with others.  When you're alone, you can just sit still and connect with God.  Since we are all one, you are connecting with everyone when you connect with God.
  That's where I'm at right now.  I've found many opportunities lately to connect with God.  My mantra is 'I am love'.  This very blog is an expression of love from me to you, my readers.  You see, when I hear a Garth Brooks song or a Hatebreed song, I hear love being expressed in different ways.  I cry when I hear 'The Wolves' by Garth Brooks, but I also cry when I hear 'You're Never Alone' by Hatebreed.
  I cried when Andrew Wood (Mother Love Bone), Paul Gray (Slipknot) and Mr. Rogers died.  And it wasn't because I want them back or can't live without them.  It was because they each had found joy in expressing themselves to the world without shame, inhibition or selfish ambition.  They loved what they did and it shows.  I envy that pure joy of living that they each had.
  I cried when Charlie Bucket gave Willy Wonka back the Everlasting Gobstopper, when Han Solo shot Darth Vader's TIE fighter out of the sky, when Ben Stiller lifted the headphone from Mary's brother's ear and when three of Charlotte's offspring stayed in the barn with Wilbur.  All expressions of love.

Did You Know?

  This is probably more than you ever wanted to know about a band that you've probably never heard of.  They're called Living Sacrifice.  Now, you know I'm not religious so why do I like a Christian death metal band?  I'll tell you why.  Their music is intricate and brutal, yet melodic and beautiful.  Their soft drink of choice is Mountain Dew.  If you didn't know, that is most of what Kayla and I drink as well.  They once did a song about the perils of drugs that they dedicated to the memory of Andrew Wood, one of my favorite musicians.  He sang for both Malfunkshun and Mother Love Bone and died of a heroin overdose.
  Living Sacrifice come from Little Rock, Arkansas, which means little to me, but it does mean they don't generally come around to play at places I live, which sucks.  An interesting (to me, anyway) side note is that the drummer for Living Sacrifice went on to drum for Evanescence.  When I took my teenaged daughter to see Evanescence, I got to see him drumming.  Of course, their music is like five times slower than most Living Sacrifice songs,  but I wasn't there for myself, I was there for my girl.
  I've been listening to LS since 1992 when their album, Nonexistent came out.  I think they're still together, but I haven't heard anything new from them in years.  Nonexistent is still my favorite album of theirs.  Another good album from them was the Hammering Process.  The only other Christian metal group I like is called Focal Point.  They only put out one album before they disbanded, but it's a worthy one.  To me they sound somewhere between the Deftones and Hatebreed.  Please share with me some of your musical tastes.

Underdogs

  If I was Davidson, I'd be pissed because everyone knows what you're talking about when you say you ride a Harley.  Somehow all my life, I've always been able to relate with the underdogs.  I've always considered myself to be a nerd.  Geek seems too dignified.  In school it was always the outcasts that I got along best with.  I'm only telling you this so you'll understand why so many of my characters are nerdy, live in poverty, are homosexual, have disabilities (learning or otherwise), are socially inept or have OCD, etc.
  As you already know, I have ADD.  I also suffer from depression, anxiety, anger issues and a dissociative disorder.  I'll be meeting with my psychologist soon to see if I may be manic depressive.  I'm not boohooing here, I'm just like everyone else.  We all have problems and those just happen to be my particular crosses to bear.  My point (there is one, I swear) is as follows.
  There are several bands, directors and authors out there who seem to know how I, and people like me,  feel.  The bands, Hatebreed and Soulfly, have a very positive message about how family and friends can help you through tough times and that you are the source of your own strength.  Slipknot stands up for the downtrodden with lines such as, "What the fuck are you looking at?  I'll tell you what you're looking at: everyone you ever fucking laughed at!" from their song, Disasterpiece from the album, Iowa.  I don't need to go into all the songs, movies and books of that nature out there, I think you get the idea.
  Anyway, a big motivation for my writing is to try to connect with people out there who don't feel as if anyone understands them.  If even one person out there is impacted by my writing the way I am when I watch What's Eating Gilbert Grape?, I would feel like my life had some purpose.  Maybe I just have an inflated ego.  Well, the jury's still out on the manic depressive thing.  As they said in The Importance of Being Ernest, "The suspese is terrible!  I hope it'll last."  Now that I think about it, Willy Wonka said that too.