Friday, August 19, 2011


  Through a really long conversation with Kayla, we came to a startling revelation about me.  All my life, I've had periods of time during which time seemed to go by really slowly.  When I was in the second grade, I figured out a quick fix for that phenomenon.  I used the stop watch function on my wrist watch to stare at the milliseconds.  When the world around me was moving slowly, this forced my mind to register time as moving quickly.  It would get me out of that dream-like dull hazy fogginess.
  In college, before any exams, while everyone else was doing some last minute cramming, I would be doing a crossword puzzle.  It calmed me down so that I could take the test as unstressed as possible.  We realized that I do better when I'm not stressed.  I shut down under duress.  Some people fight, I fold.  What we figured out is that the haziness is connected to me shutting down under stress.
  Previously, I thought that I was learning disabled or slow to develop.  Kayla always told me that she thinks I'm actually a smart person.  I think that what actually was going on in school was that I was stressed.  I always got bad grades, but could do good homework.  That's because at home, I wasn't stressed.  When I'm not stressed, I really am kinda smart in my own little ways, if I must say so myself.  That's probably also why I'm so socially inept.  Some people would describe me as a quiet person while others would swear up and down that I'm a jokester and quite verbose.  It all depended on how comfortable I was around any given person (no offense to anyone out there who thinks I'm quiet).
  There are all kinds of things I'm re-evaluating about my life.  I'm examining various situations and my behavior to analyze how I might have been feeling at the time.  Up until now I've had no recollection of any feelings throughout most of my life.  My memories just involve images, sounds and maybe thoughts.  Now at least, I have some frame of reference to extrapolate an emotion tied to a memory.  Most people feel things as they come.  I shut down and can only guess later on what I might have been feeling according to how I reacted and what I did.
  I think that everything boils down to fear.  In each of those situations, there were outcomes that I preferred to happen and ones that I feared would happen.  Ironically, with my way of dealing with fear, I dealt with it in a way that brought about the very outcome that I feared.  It's all about misplaced desires.  If I learn not to want anything so badly that I fear not having it, then I will always go about getting it with all my wits about me.  I guess, in a way, that's what faith is.  Believing that you will have what you need instead of fearing that you will not have what you want. 

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