Monday, April 29, 2013

It Takes A Village

  I was just watching one of those murder mystery shows when it came to my attention the staggering amount of events and human interactions that usually precede a murder.  It almost seems in many cases, that the murderer's entire life has led up to this one event.  Elements of the motive tie into values taught through examples set by role models, as well as life experiences.
  It is often observed that a person who can kill a human being, started out by hurting animals or other helpless things.  This is not always the case physically.  You never know what has gone on in the mind of the killer for years.  The mind is a powerful thing.  A murder has probably occurred dozens of times in the mind before it happened in the physical world.
  It amazes me how people can still be surprised that a certain person who "was always so quiet" could have been capable of such a thing.  The people closest to that person somehow portrayed to them that keeping their feelings to themselves was the acceptable behavior.  It's the ones who wear their hearts on their sleeves and who tend to "fly off the handle" that would surprise me if they are found to be murderers.  You always know where you stand with people like that.
  Someone who never shows true joy or sorrow only never shows it to the world.  They may not even show it to their conscious minds, but you can be sure that somewhere within their fractured psyche lies the stage upon which plays out the theatre of pain that is their internal anguish.  For some that is an untapped, unmapped territory, the avoidance of which, more than likely, started out as a way to survive horrific tortures visited upon them from some external force.  They chose not to show their pain and now are blind to it themselves.
  Within such a hell as a life gone wrong, with the added cage of unexpressed agony, an acting out may not seem terribly out of the question.  One can only go so long without some outlet for repressed anger, fear, sorrow, hatred and despair.  Without a healthy output of moment-to-moment emotions, pain coalesces into darkness which can fill every available space inside the person before spilling out through any weaknesses in their self-imposed armor/cage.  The armor to keep pain out has become the cage that has kept pain in, but, just as with any man-made enclosure, there are weak points, seams through which something may squeeze, given sufficient pressure.
  It has been said that it takes a village to raise a child.  Well, it has been my observation that it takes a village to raise a murderer, a rapist or a child molester.  No murderer is an island.

Saturday, April 27, 2013


  Years ago, when the Olympics took place in Seoul, Korea, a lot of people who were in Korea for the first time were offput by the way that Koreans don't think twice about bumping into you while walking on a sidewalk or in a hall.  They don't apologize or even take notice of what they've done.  The mayor of Seoul or the President of Korea or some high up guy came on TV to address the complaints.  He said that Korea is a very small country with too many people.  It's too difficult to avoid bumping into people when walking and it's just become a way of life.  No one notices it any more.  That was his official statement to the world.
  I was living in Seoul at the time and didn't put too much mind to it until I had the chance to visit Japan.  Now the population of Japan has been described as taking half the population of the United States and stuffing them into the state of California.  It is far more overpopulated than Seoul, Korea.  Nevertheless, when I went there, not a single person bumped into me in the streets or in a hallway.
  When I got back to Korea, I decided to test a theory I had.  I went to a department store which had a large food court area.  I stood in the middle of a large area with twenty feet of space around me in every direction.  Despite the copious availability of space, many Koreans still bumped into me on their way to wherever.  One could make a killing as a pickpocket in Korea.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Judge A Book

  A while back I blogged about the demise of my Kindle.  Well, I downloaded a free Kindle app to my laptop and was able to get all the books from my broken Kindle onto my laptop.  Yesterday, I went to to snatch up all the free zombie books like I do periodically.  I happened upon a book called, 'They Feed' by Steve French.  I really enjoyed the detail he put into his explanation as to how the zombies came to be.  After I finished reading his book, I searched for him on Twitter and Facebook.  When I found him on FB, I friend requested him.  This morning I found that he had accepted my friend request.  We started a chat about our respective books and he checked out mine at  He noticed my cheesy covers and offered to design new ones for me.  Once he was done with the designs, he asked me for my email address so that he could send me the designs.  His only request was that I acknowledge him in the credits.  No problemo!  They're spectacular and so I wasted no time in updating them on  I also updated the text of the books because I have come across many errors in my writing over the last several months and have corrected them.  Anyway, here are the new covers and a very big thank you to Steve French!  By the way, Chief Loh is now ranked #4 in Tucson on!

Friday, April 19, 2013

Weak or Worthless?

  I think I'm coming to at least the beginning of an understanding as to my internal conflict.  This invisible enemy I'm constantly in an uphill battle against is just starting to make sense to me.  It came to me when I was thinking about what my biggest fear is.  I think it's the fear of being found to be worthless.  I get this from my father who has always made known to me how to be someone in this world according to his philosophy.  You need to work hard and support your family.
  He grew up in a family with a father who had five or six children that he had to support on a minister's wages.  This forced my father to get a job at a very early age to help support his family.  There is also something that came to me recently.  I think that before my dad got a job, he was always forced to go to church.  This made his identity solely based on being a preacher's son.  I think that having a job gave him the leverage to stop going to church because he would be too busy at work.  It also gave him some semblance of an identity as a working man.
  So that is what I grew up with was struggling not to feel worthless in my father's eyes.  What I got from my mother is an identity as a weak person.  I was born just a little prematurely and was therefore, smaller at birth.  My mother saw this as weakness and always treats me that way.  My sister was born at a more healthy weight and that cemented it in my mother's mind that I am weak, unhealthy and incapable.
  She was born as the smaller of a pair of twins.  Her mother always treated her as weak, unhealthy and incapable.  As much as my mother resented this, I think it is the only way she knows how to feel loved is when someone is taking care of her.  Of course, she also felt a sense of empowerment when I came along and finally she wasn't the weak one anymore.  She was the strong mother who had to take care of her weak child.  I think that I too came to only understand love through being taken care of.
  So there is the insane dichotomy which defines my identity.  I have lived a life balancing earning my mother's love by being weak and earning my father's love by not being worthless.  That is why, out here in the real world, I always secretly sabotage myself at every turn.  I do everything possible to find a healthy spiritual outlook on life, but there's that side of me that just wants to be taken care of and paid attention to.  I'm attention hungry and deep down want to just curl up and be a baby even as my conscious self tries to become strong and independent.
  The truth is, my worth does not come from any job I might have.  Conversely, my strength will not be from the amount of muscles I have.  I will be worth something when I decide that I am.  I will be strong when I decide that I am.  Being skinny, fat, hard-working, lazy or anything in between has nothing to do with the real me.  I am a soul which is made of the same thing that both God and all of you are made of.  I am as worthy as any of you are and I am as strong as God is.  Now it's just a question of living out my life with this understanding.
  To this end, I have decided to start a group for people who would like to explore issues of spirituality and self-worth through discussions of zombie books and movies.  The idea came to me when I read the following passage in 'Conversations With God book 2' by Neale Donald Walsch: "The thing to remember: Consciousness is everything, and creates your experience. Group consciousness is powerful and produces outcomes of unspeakable beauty or ugliness.  The choice is always yours.  If you are not satisfied with the consciousness of your group, seek to change it.  The best way to change the consciousness of others is by your example.  If your example is not enough, form your own group-you be the source of the consciousness you wish others to experience. They will-when you do.  It begins with you.  Everything.  All things.  You want the world to change? Change things in your own world."
  This is Friday night, April 19th as I'm writing this and tomorrow morning at 11am at the Local Author Fair at Bookmans, I'm going to have a sign-up sheet for people who would be interested in joining Zombie Evolution.  I seek to help others to stop living in fear.  In doing so, I'm hoping to end fear in my own life.  By the way, Chief Loh is now ranked #6 in Tucson on!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Careful of Fearful?

  I woke up this morning feeling a confidence that I've never felt before.  I think that my biggest fear in life was ending up alone.  These past few days, I've realized that I am alone.  I've created my fear as my life.  I was extremely lonely and I reached out to several acquaintances from school and other places.  No one had any time for me.  I think that with this new confidence I'm seeing that instead of needing some sort of support structure, I need to be out there letting people know that I am there for them.  That will be what builds in me the very life that will never end up alone.
  I'm starting to see the difference between being careful and being fearful.  In being careful, you try to do things in the best way possible.  Being fearful, you're just trying not to be wrong.  In my fear, I've kept firmly in mind my needs.  Now, I will be much more attentive to the needs of those around me.  I'm still processing a lot of new ways to rethink my life.

Friday, April 12, 2013

A Sad Reality

  Being alone as I am right now, I'm really starting to see the sad reality of the life I have built for myself.  I've turned away all my friends and family.  No one has time for me or wants to hang out with me.  For all I know, this is how it's always been, I just lived under the illusion that all the people I know through work, school, Facebook, etc. were actual friends.  When I look at the pattern of my life, whenever I stopped being involved in whatever job, school or organization, I also stopped being involved with the people I knew from there.  I don't keep friends, which means I don't make real friends, which means that I am not a true friend to anybody.  I'm so lonely right now, but I get the feeling that if I was living in reality all my life, I would have been lonely all my life.  I don't build beautiful things.  All the tweeting, facebooking and blogging I do does not change that.  I'm facing the desolation of my soul.  At least there's nowhere to go from here but up.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Local Author Fair

  I have been invited to participate in a Local Author Fair at the Speedway location of the Bookmans store.  It will be taking place on Saturday, April 20th between 11am and 1pm.  I will be talking about and reading from both my books, 'The Nocent part 2: Advent of the Scathing' and 'The Greater Number'.  I am very excited about this opportunity, especially since I just sold hundreds of copies of my books worldwide recently.  This will be another way to promote, not only the books, but Chief Loh as well.  I will create a flyer which will contain the websites for buying my book for Kindle at, paperback at, and my blog.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Flame vs. Fullmetal

  Chief Loh has just put out three new songs at!  The first one is called 'Jess For You'.  The second is called 'Flame vs. Fullmetal' and contains samples from an anime called, 'Fullmetal Alchemist' for all you anime fans out there!  The third one is called 'Hungry Kitty'.  Both of the latter songs are instrumentals containing samples (cat sounds on 'Hungry Kitty').