Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Greater Number

  As you can see, I turned my dream from this morning into the beginning of a story.  I'm already working on part 2 in which we'll get to see what this warning is all about.  You probably have some idea already.  This is a fun way to write, letting the world see it as you create it.  It almost reminds me of my days in the Peanut Gallery, the improv comedy troupe.  As I made it up, I could see whether or not the audience responded to it immediately.  Oh, what a thrill.
  Already, there are people reading it.  As a matter of fact, someone from South Africa has read it.  That's interesting because there is a character in there from South Africa.  Also, it is the first time anybody from Africa has read any of my blogs.  Now that just leaves Australia and those dern fool idjits in Antarctica!  Oh well, can't please them all.
  Tomorrow I'll be putting out the 19th chapter of the Nocent and boy is it a good one.  You get to meet the main bad guy!  I'll probably also put out the next installment of The Greater Number tomorrow.  These are exciting times for me in my writing career.  I'm coming up with new ideas, I've got a world-wide readership and I just feel great!

"Chee kon yeh mom weh"

  This morning, right before I woke up, I had a peculiar dream.  I had come to a small town that looked decrepit with no people I could see.  I was walking around when I finally spotted an Asian lady on a bench, trying to read a children's book to her distracted son.  He kept getting up and running around.  On a bench across from them was an older Asian lady, possibly the boy's grandmother.  I was with a couple other people, but I don't remember who they were.  They didn't really have much to do with the dream other than standing around.
  I asked the mother what book she was reading.  She didn't answer, but kept calling for her son to come and sit down to hear the story.  The old lady looked at us and said, "Chee kon yeh mom weh."  I figured it was some Asian language I am unfamiliar with, which is all of them except for Korean and that definitely is not Korean.  The young lady said, "Don't mind her.  She doesn't speak English."  I asked her if there was anywhere my friends and I would be able to get something to eat.  Again she acted as if she didn't hear me.
  My friends and I were about to go explore the town a bit more and see if we could find anyone else that might be a little more helpful.  As we turned to leave, the old lady stood up and said more forcefully, "Chee kon yeh mom weh!"  Right before the dream ended, my friends and I passed by an establishment where there was a radio out front.  On the radio we heard what seemed to be an emergency broadcast that kept repeating the same message.  The reception wasn't very good and it kept cutting in and out.  What we were able to hear was, "This is an will con.....nue to broadcast..............outbreak that started has spread.........We will come back mom.......tarily with more news........You must evacuate.  Head our headquarters in.................."

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Vampire Journals

  'Vampire Journals' is a movie by Full Moon Pictures, not to be mistaken for 'Vampire Diaries' the television show.  This movie was put out back in 1997, but I didn't see it until tonight on Netflix.  It is one of the best vampire movies I've ever seen.  Other favorites of mine include the Lost Boys trilogy and Near Dark.  One thing that stands out about this movie is the amazing soundtrack.  I tried looking it up at, and iTunes, but to no avail.
  Full Moon Pictures is known for putting out a lot of cheesy, less-than-B movies in the late 80's and early to mid-90's.  When I was in high school, those movies were my bread and butter.  The Pit and the Pendulum was one of their better produced films.  As cheesy as they were, they often had music that was quite good.  Puppetmaster 2 has an amazing score for a silly little flick about living puppets.  One of the worst movies ever made, Bad Channels, happens to have three songs on the soundtrack by one of my favorite bands, Sykotik Sinfoney.
  The Vampire Journals soundtrack has lots of pianos and strings.  From the very first scene, it is infused with a haunting score which is not let down by the acting or the plot.  For once, the movie is as good as the music!  Other such movies like that include the Last Unicorn, Back to the Future 3, Schindler's List and O Brother, Where Art Thou?

New Chinese Proverbs

  I just unleashed my New Chinese Proverbs into the world on Zombie Genesis.  I wrote those back when I was in college.  I'm actually really proud of them.  A lot of them have been incorporated into stories I've written, including my first novel, the Nocent.  The song 'Proverbs' by Chief Loh (available to listen to at contains several of them.
  As you can tell, I had a lot of time on my hands in college.  I was bored a lot.  These are just my little observations of the world around me.  Confucius is probably turning in his grave saying, "You can't put that in a cookie!"  Buddha's hanging out in Nirvana shaking his fist like the Three Stooges saying, "Why I oughtta!"  Mohammad is all like, "How many arms do you have, hmm?"  Jesus just wants to make sure I stay away from the Kool-Aid.

Friday, February 25, 2011

A Very Paul Moment

  In 'Netherbeast Incorporated' there's a scene where a lady named Rebecca disappears.  In a later scene, someone thinks she hears Rebecca's voice.  When she tells someone about it, he asks her, "When you thought you heard Rebecca, are you sure it wasn't Ricotta?"  The lady looks at him confused-like and says, "Ricotta?  Like the cheese?"  That is such a Paul Loh moment in cinema.
  In 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' when Charlie Bucket's teacher addresses his class and says, "I've just decided that the test we normally take on Friday over the things we've learned all week will now take place on Monday before we've learned them, but since today is Tuesday, it doesn't matter in the slightest."  That is one of my favorite Paul moments.  That movie is full of them.
  Of course, there's the ever-popular scene in the 'Princess Bride' when Inego and Fesik are rhyming and Wallace Shawn gets frustrated and declares, "No more rhyming now, I mean it!"  To which Fesik replies, "Anybody want a peanut?"  That's a classic.  If you've ever read any of my work, especially my blogs, you'll recognize moments like these strewn about.  If you've ever had a conversation with me, you might have heard it there too.  Absurd statements or dialog that somehow fits within the context of a piece of writing.
  One example would be in the Nocent when the band is driving in their van through the desert and one of them looks out the window and says, "What a pretty plateau," to which another character replies, "Isn't it a butte?"  That joke originated when I was in middle school and went on a field trip to Carlsbad Cavern.  It was there that I learned the differences between plateaus, mesas and buttes.  Originally, I had the joke involve two geologists walking through the desert.  I submitted it to Reader's Digest but it was rejected so I retooled it for inclusion in my first novel.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Tomorrow's Chapter

  I've been putting out a lot of song lyrics and poetry on the Zombie Genesis blog.  If you want something more substantial, I'll have more time to put out some of my short stories this weekend.  Pretty soon I'll be putting out some new short stories as I write them.  I've been inspired because I just got two of Stephen King's collections: 'Night Shift' and 'Nightmares and Dreamscapes', as well as 'Star Wars: Tales From Jabba's Palace' edited by Kevin J. Anderson.  I'm in the mood to write so that's on the horizon.
  I just found out that an old friend of mine writes for Hollywood now.  She wrote for 24 and now writes for 'The Event' and 'Vampire Diaries'.  She'll also be acting in the 'Vampire Diaries'.  One of these days I just might get my big break and get to do all that cool stuff too.  I ain't naming names, cuz that's just cheesy.
  In tomorrow's chapter of the Nocent, we'll find out a little bit more of this mystery man who was fighting Kenn in chapter 17.  Of course, you won't be able to read their entire back story until the prequel, Nocent part 1: Dark Betrayals, but you find out a little tomorrow.  I know there hasn't been a lot of action yet in the book, but I'm still setting up the situation.  Most of the characters have been introduced now so we're finally going to get into the meat of the story.  So far we've seen some vampires, but don't worry, I haven't forgotten the zombies.  They'll be coming soon.  I won't ruin it for you by saying when, but soon.  Thanks for reading!

The Last Piece of Paper On Earth

  I don't remember if I've told you about this yet.  I was searching through my blog archives and I couldn't find it so here it is.  This has to do with a religion in one of my stories.  It's a story which revolves around a group of survivors of an outbreak of a zombie-like creature.  Three people had escaped the mainland in a helicopter and flown to a remote island.
  This story takes place years later when they've populated the island with many offspring.  As far as remnants of the old world, they only have what was on the helicopter when they escaped.  There happened to only be one blank sheet of paper.  No one wrote on it because everyone had something they could write and there was only the one sheet.
  The religion started as people meditated on what they would write on the last piece of paper on earth.  The sheet itself now sits on a shrine in a temple.  People go there to gaze upon it and contemplate their deepest thoughts, desires and wisdom.  Some would write about their love for their family and friends.  Some might choose to write poetry of any subject, spiritual or otherwise.  Some people write their questions to God about why the world is the way it is.  Most people find their deepest inner selves while focusing on what are the most important things to them really.  They concentrate on truth, shedding all the nonsense that one might write if there was an infinite supply of paper.  What would you write on the last piece of paper on earth?

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


  The other day I noticed two or three Border Patrol vehicles on I-95 on my way down to Jacksonville.  Apparently, they just sit there, day after day, looking ominous.  In my mind, that's borderline harassment!
  The military is crazy with acronyms!  I made one up to describe my mental capacity: RETARDS, which stands for RETention And Recall Deficiency Syndrome.  Anyway, here's a quick lesson in Navy acronyms as related to you in a personal story.
  When I was taken off the Wyoming, I was put into the Transient Personnel Unit (TPU) in Jacksonville.  That meant that I had to drive down to Florida to muster with them.  I voiced my concern with this set up so they cut me Temporarily Assigned Duty (TAD) orders to the Naval Submarine Support Command (NSSC).  Even so, I still had to drive down every Thursday to attend a General Military Training (GMT) on the Navy base in Jacksonville.  That continued until the Personnel Support Detachment (PSD) gave me Permanent Change of Station (PCS) orders to the Trident Refit Facility (TRF) on the King's Bay Submarine Base in Georgia.  In other words, I had to go to GMT with TPU even though I was TAD to NSSC until PSD gave me a PCS to TRF.  Got that?  Sadly enough, Kayla's been around all this shit for so long that she actually understands what all that meant.  I'm sorry, Kayla.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

PC Games vs Un-PC Games

  This is probably the oldest concept in the books, but to me it's something humorous I thought up.  I'm never sure if I made something up originally or if someone else did without my knowing about it.  For instance, the URL for this blog contains the word necrolepsy, which I thought I made up.  When I googled it, I found that it already exists.  Dern you young whipper snappers!  I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for these darn kids!  I shake my cane at you.
Disclaimer:  The following may be offensive to viewers under the age of 2 and a half.  If you are under the age of 2 and half, please click on the button here [ ] and you will be redirected to a fart joke or something.
  Anyway, my 18 year old daughter loves her PC games.  She plays them all the time.  I, on the other hand, would probably have more fun with some un-PC games.  How about, Weakest Chink or Pin the Tail on the Dumbass?  Gary Larson had some of his own in his Far Side cartoon like Tether Cat and Bobbing for Poodles.  I remember in childhood there was Smear the Queer, not to mention Cowboys and Indians.  One I didn't like was Kick Paul.  That was a popular one at my middle school.
  Oh, and by the way, I am absolutely joking about all this (except for the Kick Paul, that was for real).  I would never single out a particular group of people for ridicule or harm.  Hate crimes are nothing to joke about.  This was for entertainment purposes only.  In other words, "Don't try this at home!"  My lawyers made me say that.  They're still trying to settle out of court with the class action suit against me launched by the Japanese ham sammiches.  Their lawyer, Mr. Sosumi is relentless.  What a nightmare that's been!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Pastor of Muppets

  When I was in high school, I used to fall asleep with my earphones on blasting Metallica.  I deliberately did that because it would give me the most wicked dreams.  It is from those dreams that a lot of my writing comes.  I couldn't tell you how many scenes from the Nocent are just straight transcriptions of nightmares of mine.  That's how I know it's good shit cuz it scared the shit out of me.
  During high school, music was my stability.  I was an Army brat as you might know.  That, coupled with the fact that I'm bipolar gave me a deep-rooted desire to have any semblance of stability in my life.  That came in the form of my Star Wars toys, which always moved around with me anywhere my father was stationed.  Later in life, movies, books and music became foundations of stability for me.  No matter where I went, they were a constant.  Also as important, they were reliable, dependable, trustworthy and they never yelled at me or made me feel stupid.  They never told me, "It's easy!" when I couldn't do something.
  One of my favorite albums of all time is Blind Melon's eponymous first album.  I think Blind Melon is one of the most under-appreciated bands ever.  Most people would only be able to name 'No Rain' by them.  That is a good song, but it is one of my least favorite simply because the rest of their body of work is so strong.  Probably my favorite song of all time by anyone is 'Change'.  It has the same message of encouragement echoed by such bands as Hatebreed, Pearl Jam and Soulfly and preceded by Buddha and the Christ: "When life is hard, you have to change."  You can't change what the world is gonna do to you, you can only strengthen yourself so that you can overcome it.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

She'll Be Comin' 'Round The Mountain

  Kayla and I have been talking on the phone this last week or two.  Ever since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, she has expressed a desire to come home to be with me.  All our past struggles have a new light shed on them.  She knows me from the inside, out and knows that if I had the power to manifest into reality the man I intend to be on the inside, our lives will be so much better.  That's the problem with me now is that I have no idea what is going to come out of me in any situation.  My intended effect rarely comes to fruition.
  When I am having a manic episode, I don't have access to my prefrontal lobe which manages my conscience, my judgment and my ability to see the big picture.  In other words, I'm not aware of the possible consequences of my words or actions.  In the past, Kayla was under the impression that I did bad things because I don't care about her or my family.  We're both coming to find out that I do care, I just don't always know how to put my good intentions into action.
  Looking back on my life, I think my mom is bipolar, as well as my grandmother before she died (I'll let that one slide this time, Captain Obvious.  Just stay on your meds!).  The doc says that this shit is congenital or whatever word means that it runs in the family.  I think that since they are both Korean, their parents didn't have it diagnosed because it would bring shame to the family.
  I think the same might have happened to me.  Evidence of that would be the fact that I was raised right-handed even though I was born left-handed.  In turn, I've become neither-handed or quasi-dexterous if you will.  A side-effect of that is that you can always tell what activities my parents taught me and which ones I taught myself.  If I do it with my right hand, it's because they made me.  If I do it with my left hand, I discovered it on my own.  The most obvious example being my Rosy left Palm.
  Also, my dad deliberately didn't teach me Chinese growing up because he didn't want me to have a Chinese accent.  I remember going to a speech therapist as a child.  I guess I developed the ability to talk later than my parents would have liked.  To avoid embarrassment in front of their friends, they had to nip that little problem in the bud by shelling out what ever cash it took.  They've always told me I'm a late bloomer.  They never had me diagnosed with anything.  I think I might have been helped out immensely in a Special Needs classroom or, at least, with proper therapy and/or medication growing up.  As it is, I just grew up thinking everyone else was smarter and better than I am.
  To this day, I still feel that way, but I'm at least able to start on the road to healing since I've been diagnosed.  I'm not stupid, just chemically imbalanced.  Growing up, my two least favorite words were, "It's easy!"  That's all I ever heard from my parents when faced with the challenge of being unable to perform whatever task was at hand.  Math problems, riding a bike, driving a car, being in school, etc.  I would watch everyone else breeze through like it was nothing while I struggled just to stay behind.  All for the sake of my parent's dignity in front of friends they don't even really care about.
  Friends to them are just someone to boast to when your kid goes to MIT.  Friends are someone you have to send a Christmas card to so they'll keep paying attention to you.  Friends are someone you tell that your son went to Harvard to hide the fact that he only went to the University of Arizona.  It took me four and a half years to graduate with a double major, but I was chastised because it should have only taken me four years.  Of course, to them it was a waste of time because I didn't become a doctor or a lawyer.
  Shit, this blog was supposed to be about the good news that Kayla is coming home and it somehow devolved into this rant about my childhood.  You see, I'm never sure what's going to come out of me.  'Live Deliberately' is gonna be my new motto.  That's how you build trust.  When you say you're gonna do something, you do it.  I've had the right intentions all along, now is the time for my actions to reflect that.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Night of the Creeps

  This is one of my favorite movies of all time.  I think you can see the influence from it in the Nocent book with aliens being the cause for a zombie outbreak.  But this movie is so much more.  It's humorous, intelligent, the protagonist is a nerd and the characters are well thought out.  Everyone has a back story just like in Star Wars.  All the stories fit together and lead to this one night of terror.
  Other gory movies with a humorous edge include: Evil Dead 2, Return of the Living Dead, Darkman, Killer Klowns From Outer Space, The Pit and the Pendulum (Full Moon), Netherbeast Incorporated, Army of Darkness, the Lost Boys trilogy, Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland and the Chucky sequels.  All of these are some of my favorite movies.  I always like movies where the characters are real and the dialog isn't stupid.  Smart people being killed by even smarter bad guys.  That's the stuff!  I mean, if I had the Terminator, an Alien or the Predator after me, I would have just as much, if not more trouble than the heroes and heroines did.  I wouldn't be an idiot like most horror movie characters, but I just might not be able to outsmart the baddies.
  Writing the Nocent stories, I'm trying to write something that, if I read it or saw it in the theaters, I wouldn't be telling the characters that they made a stupid choice.  They might make the wrong choice, but at least it would be an intelligent one.  That's what I find scary, making a good choice that ends up being the wrong choice anyway because the bad guy is one step ahead of you.  Night of the Creeps has some badass characters who know how to kick ass.  Did you notice the guy who ran the armory was the same guy who ran the gun shop in the Terminator and met pretty much the same fate.  Anyway, if the Nocent could be half as cool as Night of the Creeps, I will be happy.

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Nocent In Space

  You ever notice how, when a series has gone on for a while they either end up in New York (or some other big city) or in space?  Leprechaun in Space, Hellraiser in Space, Jason Takes Manhattan, Muppets Take Manhattan, Jason X (in space), Star Trek 4 (in San Francisco, I think), Babe: Pig In The City, Muppets in Space.  I wonder why that is?  I'm sure you can think of dozens of other examples of this phenomenon.  This was just what I could come up with on the top of my head.
  Anyway, I was watching a documentary called, 'His Name Was Jason' on Netflix and something struck me as an interesting (to me anyway) point.  The original Friday the 13th movie is almost the exact opposite story from Alfred Hitchcock's 'Psycho'.  In one, you have a son who channels his dead mother and kills people.  In the other, you have a mother who channels her dead son and kills people.  This point has probably been made a million times before, but it hit me for the first time today.

My 100th Blog!

  Who knew I had that much shit to write?  Got a three-day weekend kickin' off right now.  I just put out chapter 16 of the Nocent and on my day off Monday, I'll put out chapter 17.  On Tuesday I need to go to Jacksonville to take a psychological evaluation.  I'm well on the road to recovery!  Wednesday I have another appointment with my psychologist.  Soon, my friends, I will be on medication.
  From reading up on bipolar disorder, I see that a lot of bipolar people self-medicate using alcohol as a downer, cocaine as an upper and marijuana as a mood stabilizer.  They may also be very sexually active due to the hyper libido associated with this condition.  Growing up, since I didn't drink, do drugs or lose my virginity until the age of 27, I used Mountain Dew as an upper, Rosy Palms as a downer and karaoke as a mood stabilizer of my own choosing.
  I guess fried chicken could count as a mood stabilizer too.  You know, now that I think about it, rice and noodles could count as uppers because they are carbohydrates which the body absorbs as sugars.  Somewhere out there, a dietitian is pulling his hair out saying, "What the hell?"  Looking at it this way, I guess just being Chinese is a self-medication for bipolar disorder in and of itself.  Certainly, having Asian parents was downer enough to cure even the most manic episodes.
  My psychologist says that most people think linearly.  He compared it to looking in a filing cabinet.  A topic is brought up so they access the appropriate drawer, look in the proper folder, flip to the right document, peruse the correct paragraph and hit upon the desired sentence.  A person who is bipolar will have a topic brought up and will immediately have several filing cabinets pop up in their mind which each have some tangential connection to the topic at hand.  It's anybody's guess which one will come out of the person's mouth.  When I was in line at the bank, I almost turned to the guy behind me and asked a riddle: Q: "What did the bipolar Chinese guy say to the man behind him in line at the bank?"  A: "I don't know, but we'll both soon find out."  The poor guy has no idea how close I was.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Hunter's Chicken

  When I saw Alien vs. Predator I laughed my head off at the scene where the European dude is describing the Hunter's Moon.  Something about cacciatore luna or whatever.  I was like, "Dude, if cacciatore means 'hunter' then Chicken Cacciatore means 'hunter's chicken'!"  Boy, I get amusement out of the strangest things.
  Speaking of food, one of the most beautiful commercials I ever was was for Crisco Oil.  In it, there was a family who was enjoying some time together at home.  They conversed, laughed and ate together in the background while a female voice-over extolled the virtues of the product.  The beauty part of it was that one of the children appeared to have Down's Syndrome, but not a single word of this was mentioned.  This was just a normal family like in a Norman Rockwell painting.  Makes me wanna cry just writing about it.  Maybe one of these days I can be a well-rounded, law-abiding, tax-paying citizen who contributes to society in a positive way.  Well, okay, I do already pay taxes, but you know what I mean.  Crisco gives me something to dream about, believe in and work for.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Rock and/or Roll

  I watched a documentary on Netflix called Heavy Metal in Baghdad.  I had almost rented it several times from Blockbuster before we had Netflix, but there was always something else that caught my eye.  It was always one for which I said, "One of these days..."  Well, yesterday was one of those days and boy was it worth the wait!  Yes, it's a documentary about a band, but it gives one of the most nitty gritty, honest portrayals of life in Baghdad with no media bullshit in the way.  The band really is good too.
  I can't wait to get started on some medication for my bipolar disorder!  Today I got a Netflix video in the mail.  It was a Mushroomhead documentary.  I think I laughed through the whole thing!  Yes, they're a serious metal band with wicked awesome music, but they also know how to have fun.  Almost every scene was packed with them being silly, goofy, drunk, laughing or tearing down the house with their live shows.  There were also three music videos and lots of DVD extras including hilarious deleted scenes and behind the scenes of the making of their video.
  By the way I found out one of my aunts in Tucson has some yogurt store called By The Ounce.  Apparently you grab a cup, put some yogurt in it, throw on some toppings and pay for it by the ounce.  Ha ha, you see that clever marketing strategy in the name and everything?  I went to the website,, and the place looks so immaculate and modern.  Notice I didn't include any adjectives which would indicate an opinion one way or the other whether or not I'd wanna go there.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

It's All Starting To Fit Together

  Over the years I've had so many theories as to what is wrong with me.  At different times, I thought I had a borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorder, clinical depression, hypoglycemia, OCD, ADD, ADHD, HDTV, PTSD, AC/DC and even sleep apnea!  I mean, shit, is there anything I didn't think I had?  None of it made as much sense as bipolar disorder does, the more I find out about it.  The doc gave me a questionnaire which I filled out.  We'll discuss it next time we have a session.  He also gave me a book called, 'Bipolar: The Elements of Bipolar Disorder' by Dr. Jay Carter.
  What I've found out is that most of what I hate about myself and even some of what I like about myself is attributable to B.D.  My trouble sleeping, my meanness to my wife, my depression, my creativity, my distractability, my forgetfulness, my grandiosity.  The list goes on and on.  I wish I had found this all out much earlier in life.  I know everything happens for a reason so I know there's something good to come of all this, but right now I'm just glad I'm beginning to find out a bit more about myself.
  This is a chemical thing, not a psychological thing.  That's why my psychologist ain't able to make any headway (pun intended) with me.  I do know that I had a screwy childhood, but honestly, I can find my own way to deal with that through meditation, prayer, loving my family, friendship and blogging once I've been able to stabilize my mood chemically.  I have no idea what it's gonna be like to be normal.  Maybe my blog will start to suck.  Hopefully my family will be able to be happy and healthy the way I've always intended to help them to be.  That's the biggest thing.  Maybe the thought of bologna sammiches won't keep me up until three in the morning anymore.  My damn spell check says I misspelled OCD!  How do you spell OCD?  I should call it CDO so that it's in alphabetical order the way it should be.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Bipolar Disorder

  Went to two different counsellors today.  One wants to give me techniques to deal with anger.  One wants to see if I have bipolar disorder.  In my mind, if I do have it, then one is trying to give me a tissue for my sneeze while the other is trying to cure my cold.  My psychologist was hesitant to diagnose B.D. cuz she's probably under pressure from the Navy to not diagnose anyone with any medical disability that would give them medical benefits after they get out of the Navy.
  As it is, I may stand to get E-5 pay for the rest of my life if I really do have this.  Of course, I would dedicate my life to helping others if I was blessed with that kinda money.  That's what I like about the second counsellor.  He himself has B.D. so he can spot it a mile away.  He tries to help people.  That's what I would do.  I think anyone who has been reading my blog from the beginning can pinpoint when I was in a manic upswing and when I was depressed.  Handy Hint #1: If I talk about my feelings, it's probably a downswing.  If I talk about fried chicken, it's probably an upswing.  If I talk about my feelings about fried chicken, I'm just your average hungry Chinese guy.
  Most of Kayla's complaints about me read like the symptoms list of B.D.  Even the fact that my psychologist diagnosed me with ADD in conjunction with depression should have been a clue to tip me off.  I had a conversation with my sister who studied mind stuff in college and she can definitely see a lot of the symptoms in me for it.  I trust her more than any of these other people cuz she ain't gettin' paid for this shit.  She just cares about me and wants me to get better.
  If I am able to get the proper treatment, I think that will tremendously help to improve my life and my relationship with Kayla!  Any arguments we have when I'm better will be able to stay civil, fair and productive instead of devolving into anger, bitterness and resentment.  This could be the first time in my life I'm able to have a healthy self-esteem!  I've always been bogged down with the thought that everyone's better than I am.  It could just be that the mania got me feeling thoughtless and heedless of consequence and my depression got me feeling lonely, self-loathing and anxious.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Scar Chasm

  It's ironic that I just recently made the old song "Scar Chasm" by my old band, Shadow Puppets available on our MySpace page and on YouTube.  The song is about spiritual, mental and relationship struggles.  For months now I've been planning to make a video for it and today just seemed like the appropriate time to do that since I'm going through all that all over again.  Of course, without Kayla here, I had to shoot the footage myself.  Also, of course, since the Shadow Puppets are no longer together, I had to find a way to portray a band without any members but myself.
  My solution was an old standby: masks.  In the video for "Equilibrium" by Chief Loh, I had worn a mask simply because I wasn't very good at editing video.  It cut down on having to sync the lips up to the audible words.  Now, the guitarist and bassist are each played by me wearing different masks.  In the band, there were two guitarists, but there's only so much I can do.  If Jamie, Matt and Justin want to have words with me, I'm here.  Anyway, hope you all enjoy it.  Oh, and the lyrics are available at Zombie Genesis.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Let Her Find Peace

  I've been trying to stay productive here.  I wrote out a list of things to accomplish between now and May when I get out of the Navy.  I even went out an bought myself an electric razor so that I can cut my own hair. I'm thinking Kayla hasn't said much to me today because she needs some time to heal.  I'll give her as much time and space as she needs.
  I'll try to be as responsible with the household as I can be.  I've got a turtle, several plants, laundry, dishes and the general cleanliness of the place to pay attention to now that she's gone. Now I've got to keep up with the air filter in the heater and adjust the thermostat to keep a comfortable temperature in here.  These are all things she did that I took for granted.  I've gotta force myself to eat so that I don't become unhealthy physically on top of all the other ways I'm unhealthy.
  There have been several people on Facebook who have reached out to comfort me.  I only hope they can do the same for her in Tucson.  She needs it more than I do.  She's just left the comforts of home to a life of depending on others to help her out for now.  She's literally homeless and unemployed.  I can't stand the fact that I can't help her right now.  When I first met her I told her that as long as I'm alive, she would never have to work again.  I still don't think she should have to, but she wants to be able to support herself and the dog.  I told her she still has full access to our bank account.  Everything of ours is still at her disposal.  She is still my wife and I will take care of her until the day that I die (and beyond with life insurance, etc.).
  I know she just needs some time to cool down and distance herself from the emotional turmoil of this cross-country trip and our hectic relationship.  Once she's surrounded by the familiarity of Tucson and all her friends, I hope she'll find peace.  My plan is still to grow old together.  I've never even considered living life without her.  From our conversation where I said that stupid thing about just being friends and her reaction to it, I know that she doesn't want that to be the case and neither do I.  I have faith that as I become stronger spiritually, I will finally be able to convey to her in an unselfish way how special she is to me.  We will never just be friends.  She told me that she doesn't plan to divorce me and that it would have to be me who initiates that if it will ever happen.  There is no way I'm going to do that, so our marriage can only get stronger.  I don't see it staying the way it is or getting any worse (God, help us).

Got It Wrong

  It always seems to me that I get everything backwards.  My intentions will try to convey one thing and the exact opposite will occur.  My intentions are simple: be healthy and provide happiness and health for my family.  Kayla says that everything I've done has shown her that I'm pushing her away and that she's nothing to me.  Confucius said, "Mourn not that ye are not known.  Mourn that ye know not men."  I think that I've lived a life complaining that no one understands me.  Maybe my problem this whole time is that I've never taken the time or care to understand others.
  Last night, Kayla called and we were both understandably emotional.  She had stated before she left that she would be open to attempting a relationship once I've gotten to a more healthy place in my life.  She said on the phone that she didn't want to feel obligated to get back with me at a later time.  I told her that it wasn't an obligation to get back with me, but just a desire for her to be open to conversations and possibly dates so that we can re-establish a connection.  I told her that right now, it may only be selfish reasons that I want her and not love because of all the issues I have to deal with.  I probably don't even know what true love is.  I said that once I'm healthy, we may end up just being friends.
  Hours later, she called back saying she's been nauseated and broken up since I said that about just being friends.  She said I should have no reason not to love her and want to be with her.  Again, my stupid mouth went and said something that conveyed the exact opposite of what I intended.  I was trying to comfort her and tell her that she is in no way under any obligation to have to spend the rest of her life with someone with whom she can find no peace, harmony and balance.  Instead, she took from it that I don't want anything but a friendship with her.  She knows how I usually need time to think of how to phrase things appropriately, but she needed comfort right then and I failed to give it to her.  Not only did I fail, I made it worse.  She said she'll never hurry me again.
  I texted her and told her that it's understandable that she would need comfort right now and that I'm sorry I'm not even healthy enough to do that much for her.  I said that me trying to comfort her right now would be like an epileptic trying to lead a blind person.  He might jerk them around and risk hurting them.  I told her that I love her enough to not risk that again at this time.  Please, all of you out there, pray for her to feel comforted in her times of turmoil.  If you can, please leave encouraging comments on her blog.  She needs friends right now and, try as I might, I'm not being very successful at being that for her.

Friday, February 11, 2011

She's Gone

  Today, Kayla packed up some stuff, picked up the dog and drove off to Tucson in our car.  I just am not in a healthy place emotionally, spiritually or mentally.  She needs to spend some time away so that she can have some peace in her life.  I understand that.  She left practically everything.  Most of our stuff is still here.  I still have the turtle, but other than that, this isn't a home anymore.  I've unfortunately never been the source of homeness here.  I think, even if she had left the dog, this would still never feel like home without her.
  I'm really glad that at least she's been keeping me updated as to her progress on her cross-country trip.  I told her to call if ever and whenever she needs anything.  I feel so lost and empty right now.  More importantly, she is in a place where she needs to safely bring herself and a small dog all the way across America.  The car needed an oil change, but she wasn't able to get one before she left so that's another added worry for me.  All I want is for her to be safe and happy.  That's what I've always wanted, but right now it's not in my hands how safe or happy she is.
  She keeps texting and calling with various rants and complaints.  I know she has a lot of pent up frustration and emotions to vent out so I listen intently because I know it's the least I can do for her at this time.  We both love each other still, but I know this is for the best.  I know I've never been any help on her spiritual journey and I've not made much progress on mine since we've been together.  We are both completely different people than we were when we met, but still nowhere near whole, healthy or happy.
  I think that trying to keep up a family life was overwhelming for me while I was struggling with inner pain and turmoil.  I unfairly took out my frustrations in ways that would negatively affect her.  All I was trying to do was react to my pain, but I ended up causing her pain in the process.  Now I can seek counselling and get all the help I need without hindering her daily life from having peace and balance.  She has stated that when I return to Tucson in May she'll at least try to stay open to establishing some sort of relationship.  We will be keeping up communication while I'm here too.  I don't know if any of you pray, but if you do, please pray for her to find peace and balance in her life.  I just need to focus on getting myself healthy, then I can treat others in a much more loving and compassionate way.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Ubiquitous Iniquities

  If there was an ADD psychic, he could tell you what will happen tomorrow, he just couldn't tell you what he had for breakfast this morning.  One year when I was living in Connecticut, there was a huge storm one Saturday in April.  I called it the Neither Good Friday Nor'easter.  I write these things to you in a vain attempt to get them out of my head before I go to bed so that I can get some sleep.  You know how in the past, Czechoslovakia split in to the Republic of Slovakia and the Czech Republic?  I hope the same never happens at Lake Titicaca!  An over-active imagination is one of my ubiquitous iniquities that has often gotten me into trouble.  Especially when I was in school and supposed to be studying!
  You know how sometimes when there are double doors at an establishment, they won't unlock both of them?  I've observed that whenever that is the case, I will always choose the wrong door first.  I've heard this phenomenon called, 50/50/90.  If there's a fifty-fifty chance at getting something right, there's a 90% chance you'll get it wrong.  That's another of my ubiquitous iniquities.
  By the way, even though I am in the Navy, I am not a Chief, as you might think because of the name, Chief Loh.  The band name is a play on words.  The energy we get working up inside us while we're creating music is our chi.  When we're really on fire, our chi flows freely and prolifically.  Chi flow=Chief Loh.  I discovered after I created the band name, that the name is meaningful in another way.  I was thumbing through my English-Korean dictionary when I decided to look up my middle name, Young Su.  It turns out to mean chief/president/officer in Korean!  So my name is literally Paul Chief Loh.  In Old French, Paul means small.  If you look at it that way, you can use another word for small like petite or petty.  Put that together with one of the other definitions of Young Su and I would literally be named Petty Officer Loh.  I don't know if the name Loh means anything in Chinese.  Wasting my time looking this shit up is another ubiquitous iniquity.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


  I woke up at 4:30 in the morning yesterday with a warm white glow hovering over my bed.  I immediately thought my mother had died, but when I checked my emails, there was no word from my dad.  Kayla says she thinks it was my own soul.  That could be it, but I'm not sure what to think.  Not being able to fall back asleep, I walked all around the base deep in thought about my relationship with Kayla.  I've got a lot of work to do on my communication skills.  Most importantly, I have to learn how to be a good listener.  Hearing another's opinion does not mean it has to automatically become your own.
  I also had a lot of time to think about all those other stupid things that fill my mind when I can't sleep.  I mean like, why do people only point at the sky and say, "It's a bird, it's a plane!" when Superman's around?  On any other day, they never do.  Oh, and what did they call the Fu Manchu before Fu Manchu?
  The other day I was at Taco Bell.  There was a sign posted talking to people with food allergies to fish and other seafood.  It repeated the message in Spanish, but it put perscado for fish instead of pescado.  I asked the lady if that was a misprint or if I had been saying it wrong all these years.  She told me she didn't know because she doesn't speak Spanish.  I thanked her for the food and left with my question unanswered.  I wasn't asking if she spoke Spanish.  All you have to do is think of the Zodiac sign of Pisces.  I think it's related to the word pescado.  Also, people who don't eat meat, but do eat fish are called Pescaterians.  That's all I wanted to hear was that I wasn't crazy.  Boy, I'm a mean Taco Bell customer.  It's not like she has the time to think about those things while there's a line of hungry people waiting to be fed.  I really shouldn't be so selfish!  She's just doing her job, which does not entail answering stupid questions from assholes like myself!  Thanks, Kayla, for pointing out how cruel I was being!
  Anyway, I've been looking up a lot more old friends on Facebook.  I've found a lot!  It seems that no matter who it is, they invariably have like 500+ friends or something.  Whenever I'm sending a friend request, I think of David Spade in Tommy Boy saying, "You've made a friend, which probably doesn't mean much to you since you have so many, but I don't."  I also think of a quote by Andrew Wood from the song 'Until The Ocean' by Malfunkshun, where he says, "If you were my friend, I'd give you the ball on every play until the ocean calls my name."

Monday, February 7, 2011

Eye of the Beholder

  My friend request was accepted by an old bud from my El Paso years.  His name is Chris.  He was in a lot of my little home movies.  He would play a zombie, a victim, a thug or any other character my mind created.  Hat's off to him for being such a trooper!  Funny story about him: My parents were driving him, my sister and myself to have some dinner one day.  Chris was sitting in the back on the driver's side.  The sun was hitting him in the eyes the whole way there and he didn't like it.  We were planning on going to the mall after dinner, so at the restaurant, we decided that he could sit on the passenger side this time.  He did, but the direction we were driving caused the sun to be in his eyes again!  It doesn't end there.  At the mall, we decided that he could sit between my sister and me on the way home.  He did, and this time, homeward just happened to be in the direction of the sun so for a third trip he had the sun in his eyes the whole way!  Sorry, Chris, I just had to tell them that one.
  So anyway, I just finished reading Friendship With God last night.  One of the many wise things said in the book was, "The soul is that which beholds beauty even when the mind denies it."  What that tells me is that I can find the perfection in all the bullshit I've put my family through and what I've been going through.  My wife says it's like a tapestry.  Once you step back from the weaving, you'll see the full beauty of the big picture.  Right now I just happened to be mired in the black threads.
  There was a cartoon in Mad Magazine years ago that always stuck in my head as incredibly deep, sad and beautiful at the same time.  In the first panel, a little girl comes home from school and tells her parents that she's going to be in a school concert.  She needs to be dressed like an angel.  Subsequent panels depict her and her parents buying cloth, props, sewing materials and craft supplies and then frantically putting the costume together to meet the deadline of the performance.  The last panel shows the little girl on stage in her ornate and spectacular outfit among a sea of children dressed in plain white robes, paper wings and pipe cleaner halos.  The parents are sitting in the audience with sweat dripping down their faces.
  When I first saw the cartoon as a child, I mistook the beads of sweat for tear drops.  I took that to mean that, despite their child being surrounded by a sea of angels, they only had eyes for their special angel.  For years, whenever I thought about that cartoon I would cry.  Even now, I had to interrupt my typing to wipe my eyes.  I searched and hunted for that cartoon for well over a decade.  I happened upon it once at a used book store.  I finally realized that those were beads of sweat, not tear drops.  The cartoon was showing that the parents were tired from having exerted more energy than they had needed to.  I put the magazine down and have never looked at it again.  I much prefer my idea of what that cartoon was about.  It has more meaning to me that way.
  Right now, I'm buying materials and assembling a life for my family and me.  One of these days, I'll sit back and adore the beauty of the special angel I've helped create.  Yes, there will be sweat, but more importantly, there will be tears of joy when we gaze upon the tapestry.  What are the threads in your life?  Will you seek to view the breathtaking larger picture or drown in a tangled web of threads?

Sunday, February 6, 2011

I sound happy. Do I sound happy to you? I think I sound happy.

  Hee hee hee, haw haw haw.  I called my chief to help me get some stuff to my wife and to get some stuff from her.  This was all per the restrictions placed upon me by the MPO.  I interrupted the poor man's Super Bowl time for this so now he's gonna see that we get the MPO lifted!  Woohoo!  Chalk one up for the Lohs and nada for the Navy.  What a jerk he was to my wife too.  Geez, I'm glad we won't have to deal with him anymore.  I mean, does he think that just because there's an MPO, my responisibilities to my wife and family have ceased?  No way, buddy.  And does he think that a damn football game is more important than my family's needs?  (buzzer sound) Wrong answer, McFly!
  I'm still gonna be staying at the barracks, but now, at least, I can patch things up with my wife without going through El Jerko as the middle man.  Yabba dabba doo!


  I ran into a sailor named Rowe.  I told him, "That's my name sometimes, depends on who you ask".  He got a kick out of that. ror  Once, when I was young, a friend of my mother's was over at our house.  She didn't speak English very well, but my mom wanted me to at least be polite and introduce myself.  I told her my name, but she kept looking at my arms.  She said, "Paur, you so chubby.  You got to eat!  You too chubby!"  I kindly nodded my head, smiled, excused myself, then went to my room and laughed my fuckin' ass off for almost half an hour straight!  Engrish as a Second Ranguage.
  You know, this Military Protective Order is a crock of shit.  My wife and I can't have any contact with each other.  How are we supposed to work things out this way?  It's like putting a cast on a severed leg that has to stay on for a month, then expecting it to somehow, magically reconnect to the body.  We'll have to figure out our own way to reconnect with each other.  I know we still love each other.
  Speaking of reconnecting, since I've had so much time on my hands, I've been been reconnecting with God, myself and with a lot of old friends.  I've been reading a lot of the Friendship With God book, as I've told you, but I've also started praying again and meditating.  I've been reconnecting with myself by thinking about what's truly important to me, talking to myself and just being with myself in general.  Last night I put on some headphones and just jammed out on some music.  I was fully giving myself to the movement, feeling, energy and rhythm of it.  I haven't done that since my college days!  It felt so amazing!
  You know, I've developed so many inhibitions over the years.  It's been terribly unhealthy.  I'm trying to let go of fear and inhibition so that I can truly just be myself.  It feels so good to just be yourself, not caring what anyone else thinks.  I hadn't checked the stats for my blogs for a while, but I checked them last night and there's a steep drop off in readership since I've changed the title of this blog.  You know what?  It didn't faze me at all.  My old goal was to become famous and have lots of adoring fans.  Now I just want to express myself without fear and without expectation or need.  Now I'm separating the fans from the friends.  Just a few days ago I didn't have any friends, but I had fans.  Now, I may not have any fans, but I've got friends.  God, I'm tearing up as I'm writing this.  I haven't had friends in such a long time.
  Speaking of friends, I've been reconnecting with some of my old buddies from middle school, high school and college on Facebook, Twitter and MySpace.  I find that I do genuinely care how they've been doing.  They're no longer just some inconsequential ballot stuffers in the great voting box of Paul's ego.  My stats can go to hell.  Jessica Tandy had it right in Fried Green Tomatoes, the most important thing in life is friends.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

The Beauty Of It All

  Not being able to have any contact with my wife, I've had to do a lot of things by myself lately.  Last night at the laundromat, I had a lot of time to read while waiting for my clothes.  I've been reading Friendship With God by Neale Donald Walsch.  I don't think it's any accident that I'm reading these particular chapters at this particular time.  Neale specifically asks God how you can find joy in situations where you find yourself alone.  God tells him that you are never alone.  You always have God with you.
  Joy comes from being able to express your true inner being.  He said that your heart is the bridge between your soul and your mind.  When you, for whatever reason, keep from expressing yourself, you restrict the freedom of the soul to connect with others.  It is connection that brings the highest joy to both parties involved.  Fear, inhibition, shyness, self-loathing can all get in the way of connecting with others.  When you're alone, you can just sit still and connect with God.  Since we are all one, you are connecting with everyone when you connect with God.
  That's where I'm at right now.  I've found many opportunities lately to connect with God.  My mantra is 'I am love'.  This very blog is an expression of love from me to you, my readers.  You see, when I hear a Garth Brooks song or a Hatebreed song, I hear love being expressed in different ways.  I cry when I hear 'The Wolves' by Garth Brooks, but I also cry when I hear 'You're Never Alone' by Hatebreed.
  I cried when Andrew Wood (Mother Love Bone), Paul Gray (Slipknot) and Mr. Rogers died.  And it wasn't because I want them back or can't live without them.  It was because they each had found joy in expressing themselves to the world without shame, inhibition or selfish ambition.  They loved what they did and it shows.  I envy that pure joy of living that they each had.
  I cried when Charlie Bucket gave Willy Wonka back the Everlasting Gobstopper, when Han Solo shot Darth Vader's TIE fighter out of the sky, when Ben Stiller lifted the headphone from Mary's brother's ear and when three of Charlotte's offspring stayed in the barn with Wilbur.  All expressions of love.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Know Thyself

  I always seem to fall into the trap of hating myself the more I get to know myself.  I'm trying to get to a place where I can love myself, but that will take getting to know myself.  I've never been honest with myself about what's really going on inside.  I guess if I look at the examples of my parents and my aunt, I can see that they weren't being honest with themselves either.  They thought one thing while doing another.  Outwardly their acts looked bad, but they were in a place where they thought they were doing the greatest good.  My life has kind of mirrored that.
  Once, I helped a crack-addicted man become clean through the sheer power of prayer, faith and friendship.  I helped a single mother to understand the power of prayer and faith so that she could feel the inner strength she needed to raise her baby alone while working full time and going to school.  I helped a homeless man by letting him shower and shave at my house.  I bought him new clothes and helped him get a job interview.  But all this time, my only goal was to feel better about myself.  If only those people knew the true monster that exists within me, they would have cursed the day I was born.  As it is, they're living a lie perpetuated by my guise of altruism.  I tell these stories, not to stroke my ego, but to illustrate to you the depth of my ugliness.
  Honesty with oneself as well as with others is a virtue.  Someone associated with my wife used to hold his children's heads underwater to see how long they could hold their breath.  I'm deliberately being vague about the specifics of this individual since my wife never pressed charges against him for any of these incidences.  He would randomly trip his son with no prior warning or reason.  He often hit his son with the bill of his baseball cap.  He would also occasionally smash his son's head down onto a counter top as a disciplinary measure.  He is an asshole and he knows it.  He's proud of it.  He's honest with himself and with others.  I only wish I had that admirable level of honesty about who I am on the inside.
  It's only once you fully know yourself that you can change anything about yourself.  I often fool myself into thinking I'm a good person.  That's my problem.  I try to change, but I don't even know what it is I'm changing from so I have no idea how to start to change into something else.  It's almost as if I'm trying to paint my tail purple without even realizing that I have no tail.
  The biggest problem is that I mistakenly believe that there's nothing I have to change about myself.  Then, the second biggest problem is that when I find out something bad about myself, I get down in the dumps and stop believing that I have the power to change myself.  The chaplain I spoke with said something that struck me as wise.  He said that he lives by three guiding principles: 1. I'm not right about everything.  2. That means there's something I'm wrong about.  3. I don't know what it is I'm wrong about.  With that attitude, he views the world with an open mind.  He looks at everything with the mindset that it can teach him something about himself, good or bad.  I need to take on that attitude.  It's refreshingly honest, humble and healthy.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


  I can trace back this worthlessness I feel all the way back to 3 or 4 years old.  When my parents were busy with my younger sister, the microwave beeped in the kitchen.  The three of  them were in the bathroom so I went to pull out whatever was done cooking.  I grabbed a chair so I could reach the door.  It was a large bowl of chicken soup.  I started to pull it out, but the bowl was too hot for my delicate little fingers so I dropped it all over myself.  The bowl shattered on the floor.  Through all my agonizing torture, all I could think of was that I'd be in trouble for breaking the bowl.  As soon as my parents came to see what all the commotion was about, I was apologizing profusely  in order to try and avoid a spanking.
  I don't know how the feeling of worthlessness started, but during my formative years, there were plenty of things that didn't help me to feel any more worthy.  I noticed that any time my sister would cry she'd only get in bigger trouble until she stopped crying.  The conclusion I drew from that is that crying is a bad thing and so was expressing your feelings.  I also gathered from that that listening to my parents or anyone of authority was the only way to avoid getting in trouble.
  One day, my sister was crying so hard that my mother was furious.  My sister wanted to leave and have different parents.  My mother told her that she could get new parents at K Mart.  My sister stormed out the door and started walking down the road.  I couldn't stand the thought of losing her so I ran out crying and begged her not to leave.  I threw my arms around her and just held on.  My parents got such a kick out of that they were laughing and laughing at us.  From that I gathered that loving my sister (or anyone) was a bad thing and especially expressing that love or any feelings at all.  In fact, I felt that having feelings would only get me ridiculed and belittled.
  I was in kindergarten at that time and there was a neighbor I went to school with, named Rachel.  I got my first kiss from Rachel.  She said I was her boyfriend.  I finally felt that someone valued me.  But when we were at school, she would act as if she didn't know me, especially when she was around her friends.  I was so confused, but she did still want to kiss me when no one was around.
  Around that time, there was a neighborhood boy who used to gather a bunch of us younger boys and bring us to his house.  He made us get into sexual positions with each other.  He got a kick out of watching us do these things that I didn't understand at the time.  I didn't know it was wrong or bad.  When I casually mentioned it to my parents, they told me I shouldn't go to his house anymore.  I didn't, but who knows how many other boys still did?
  It was also around that time that my sister and I were left alone in the family car one day.  The car was at street level and there was a short down hill slope that led to our house.  I'm not sure how it happened, but the car started rolling down that hill toward the house.  The passenger-side signal light smashed into the corner of the house.  The friction from that impact slowed the car gradually enough that neither of us was injured.  We were not in seat belts.  I was sitting in the driver's seat and my sister was in the back.
  There was another time when she and I were left alone in the car while my parents went shopping for some food during a cross-country trip.  My sister was crying because she wanted to be with them.  I tried to keep her in the car because that's what my dad told me to do.  She was so insistent that there was nothing I could do to stop her.  I couldn't leave the car unattended so I stayed in it while she wandered through the busy parking lot and into the store.  I got in huge trouble for that.  I was supposed to keep her in the car.  What if she had gotten hurt or kidnapped?  My dad yelled at me quite a bit for that one.
  My mom never felt the need to explain any of her reasons for anything.  Her answer to any question was, "Because I'm Mommy!"  I quickly learned to stop asking questions.  As a matter of fact, I stopped thinking of questions.  I stopped thinking all together.  I would just follow whatever it was my mom, dad, teacher, preacher or chief would say.
  The point I'm getting to is that I have never found myself.  All I've found is a false sense of self-worth brought about from the manipulations of my ego.  If there was anyone that I could get to like me, feel sorry for me, help me, do something for me, give something to me or even love me, my ego was stroked.  I didn't value that person as a person, but as an ego stroker.  Everyone in my life has either been an ego stroker or inconsequential to me.  There have been so many people who have genuinely wanted a friendship or some other relationship with me, but I've kept them all at bay.  I've only taken from them what my ego wanted to extract, then I was on to the next one.
  I've never given myself anything real.  I've never known how to accept or cherish anything real that anyone else would try to give to me and of course, I've never given anyone anything real.  Kayla has a true, deep, beautiful love to give me, but all I've done is take and take ego strokings from her.  Now that she is in a place where she can't be around me without fear, I find that it's more than just ego strokings I want from her.  I long to let the real her in like I've never let anyone in before.  I long to give myself to her completely and hold nothing back.  She always talks about incorporating someone's preferences and identity into your realm of experience so that you can share their fun times, their tragedies, their triumphs and their love.  I would love to incorporate her likes, dislikes and deepest desires into my experience so that I can finally truly be at one with her in every way possible.
  I'm trying to get to a place where I do more than just know intellectually that we as people are all one, not only with each other, but with God.  That is what Kayla believes and lives by and what I know in my head.  She believes that God wants to experience everything through us.  We are His eyes, ears, fingers, etc.  What's more than that, we are God.  Before we come into the body, we pick out our race, gender, parents, life circumstances and a lot of other things.  There is no such thing as right and wrong, those are just judgments.  Everything that happens is perfect.  We chose for it to happen so that we can experience it.  Nothing happens by accident or coincidence.
  Once I come to a place where I truly, deeply believe this to the core of my being, I will be able to let go of the anger, resentment, hollowness, worthlessness, judgment, hatred, emptiness, self-loathing and ego stroking.  I will genuinely let people in and care about them.  I will love myself.  I will love everybody.  I will treat Kayla like the special, beautiful, amazing person she deserves to be treated like.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Not Well

  After my last blog I called the base Chaplain and set up a time to meet with him.  He wasn't busy at the time so I went in to see him.  I told him what was going on between Kayla and me.  He told me that in times like this, there were some options to try to help the situation.  He said that we could call my command and do what is called a Military Protection Order (MPO).  What that is is an order that I can have no contact with my wife for a period of anywhere from 72 hours to a month, depending on the circumstances.  During that time, we would go to marriage counselling with him and I would stay at a room in the barracks.
  First, Kayla had to agree to the arrangement.  At that time, her plan was to leave as soon as I got back from work.  With this plan she would be able to stay at our home.  The Chaplain called her up.  I was on pins and needles wondering what her reaction would be.  She agreed to go to marriage counselling and my heart leaped.  It's a glimmer of hope.  I have no idea what's going to happen, but I'm glad she's willing to give it a shot.  Of course, I only want what will be best for all involved, not just myself.  Thank God she's at least willing to talk.  It is a blessing that I will not take for granted.
  I think that's what's been going on.  I've taken her for granted.  I thought she'd always be there.  I allowed myself to become complacent, selfish, boring, angry, unloving and even hurtful.  At this point I'd be willing to unselfishly do anything to make sure that my family can be happy and healthy.  If that means they have to get away from me, that's what I'm willing to give them.
  As for me, I went through the whole rig-a-ma-role of checking into the barracks.  I was escorted by my chief to my apartment to gather up some clothes and stuff.  I made up my bed in the barracks room, then microwaved some ramen noodles and ate them.  I couldn't stand being alone there so I came here to the Liberty Center to get online.
  Normally this would be our time together.  Family time.  Happy time.  Last night Kayla and I were right here at the Liberty Center playing pool.  We shared lots of laughs.  What I wouldn't do to have that back.  All the things she complained about us not doing together would be a pleasure to do if it meant I could be with her again.  Karaoke, writing and recording music at home or even just singing together in the car.
  I can't imagine what she's going through.  This must be so hard on her.  The dog too.  He's used to having daddy at home.  He is only truly happy when we're all together, as long as we're not fighting.  I feel so empty and like there's a tremendous weight on me.  At different times today I've felt dizzy, light-headed, nauseated and tired.  I've had stomach cramps, diarrhea and no appetite.  I had to force myself to eat because I know I need to.  Kayla would want me to be healthy even if we're not together.  It was to honor her loving heart and also to try to love myself that I ate.  I need to start by learning to love myself, then I can love others.  Easier said than done.  It's precisely because I wouldn't naturally take care of myself that I don't think to take care of others.  I'm so unhealthy for myself and everyone right now.  I have to believe that I have the power to change that about myself.  I don't know how to do that.

Physical Abuse

  This blog is not about my parents.  It's not about anything in my past.  This blog is about me and my wife.  When we argue, I do not control myself and I have been physically abusive.  She is afraid for herself and our dog.  She's at the point where she wants to leave me.  When I get home from work today, she wants to take the car to a shelter or a motel or somewhere she and the dog can be safe from me.  I'm writing this from my computer at work and she's at home presumably packing.  I don't know what to do.  I'm so lost and confused.  I hate when I get this way.  I know I'm the one in control, but it's difficult.  She says it's me ego that gets in the way.  She never knows what's going to set me off.  This is a story from the perspective of the abuser.  I know only I can help myself, but I'm asking you if you know anything that I can use to help myself.  I'd be bawling my eyes out if I wasn't at work.  I still might anyway.  She's done trying to help me.  She deserves better than to have to live in fear.  When it's gotten really bad before, she's gone to the neighbors for help.  Today she did that.  The neighbors can't help me.  They can help her feel safe, but she hates having to impose on them.  I have so much anger in me.  I don't know what to do.  I'm trying to get a full psychological evaluation done by my psychologist, but she's being aloof.  Besides, an evaluation will probably only lead to more pills, which is also not the answer.  The only way the problem can go away for good is for the strength to come from inside me and me alone.  I just don't know how to find that strength.  I love her so much, but that means nothing right now.  No one ever has the right to lay a hand on anyone else in anger.  No one deserves to be physically abused.  Knowing that hasn't helped me stop.  I told her I'd like to be able to get away from myself as easily as she can get away from me.  I'd love to take the good side of me and her and our dog away from the bad side of me.  She said that fantasies will get me nowhere.  Only dealing with reality will change me.  The other night, we had cops crawling all over our place after an argument of ours.  They questioned our neighbors and everything.  Kayla chose not to press charges, but I know she regrets that now.  She might be safe while I'm in jail.  If the military knew about my violent tendencies, I'd either go to Captain's mast, court martial, the brig or dishonorable discharge and prison.  I don't know how it's gotten this bad.  I'm so scared, sad, angry and empty.  I know she needs help.  Please go to her blog and give her your support.  She needs to feel loved and safe right now.  Even if I never get what I need, I hope she's able to get what she needs.

Antidisestablishmentarianismistically Challenged

  If I had a nickel every time I was supposed to have a dime, I'd be twice as poor right now (or half as rich, whichever is the glass-half-full way of looking at it).  I was down to two boxes of shred left to do when one of the office ladies brought me three more and the mail room gave me some as well.  Oh well, it's better than making Nikes for Kathy Lee Gifford.  Give me a shredder and a taco and I can do anything.  Of course, I could do it without the taco, but what fun would that be?
  Yes we have a separation of church and state, but what about temple and state, mosque and state or Star Trek convention and state?  Actually, I'm kinda glad for the latter.  Could you imagine President Jean Luc Picard or Secretary of State Odo?  But seriously, folks, I think it's a good thing that we keep our affairs of state and our spirituality separate.  That goes along with the very healthy policy of freedom of religion.
  I don't know shit about politics, but I guess I'm just glad we're not forced to practice any particular religion.  Did you know in China you could be killed just for following Falun Dafa?  I know what you're thinking: who the fuck is Falun Dafa?  Shit, I don't know.  My only point is, he or she might be kinda cool.  I have no idea.  But if I wanted to follow this particular deity, it feels good to know that in this country I'd be able to.  Them damn Chinese also persecute Tibet.  If I want to seek the wisdom of a dolly or a llama, I'm glad I can do it here.  By the way, if anyone ever happens to ask you what the longest word in the English language is, don't you go quoting the title of this blog.  I just made that shit up.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


  I went to a local computer services company called It's All Geek To Us because I found out they work on laptops.  I had previously gone to the Geek Squad at Best Buy.  They said the laptop was broken, but that they could extract the data off the hard drive for $99.  This local company I went to gave me the data from my laptop and made up some business cards for Kayla and me for a very reasonable price compared to others!  Now we have some cards to give to people to advertise our band and our blogs.
  This morning I was thinking about my aunt who used to be my favorite person in the world.  Going to her house for the summer was the highlight of every year of my childhood.  It was there that I felt loved for who I am.  That's why it came as such a blow when I found out I was just a pawn in her sibling rivalry with my mother.  She loved the fact that I preferred her to my own mother.
  Kayla said that there was probably times when she really did things just for me.  I said that I would try to think of times that she and my parents acted selflessly toward me.  Kayla told me that if I needed that to be happy then I might never find happiness.  Truly selfless acts are hard to find in this world.
  What I should be doing instead of looking for what they did right is stop judging what they did wrong.  If I can look back on my own life and see the ugliness of my motives in everything I've done, I should understand that they are human just like me.  In their minds they were loving me the best way they knew how just like I have been loving Kayla and my family the best way I know how.  It's just that I've been shown a way to open my eyes to my own ugliness that I have this wonderful opportunity to change and grow.
  I need to have the patience to recognize that they haven't had an opportunity like I have.  If they did, they might move toward a more pure love, but that doesn't mean that they haven't been giving me love to the best of their abilities.  I'm in the same boat so I can't judge, just continue loving them.  There's not even anything to forgive because they've never meant me any harm just like I've never meant Kayla and my family any harm.
  People always do the best they know how according to their view of the world.  When a better way presents itself, they change their model of the world and can now do something different.  We always strive to be the highest self they can imagine.  Our observation of the world helps us to stretch our imagination to new heights and love helps us to apply that new insight to ever higher levels of selflessness and love.  That's what humanity is all about.  No one should judge anyone because we're all on different paths on different time lines.  It's not up to me to expect better of anyone.  I can only make sure that I don't get hurt by anyone. I'm not better than anyone.  I'm only responsible for myself and my reactions to what others do to me according to their current model of the world.
  I have a lot of nervous habits like biting my fingers, scratching myself, cracking my knuckles and chewing my inner cheeks.  I believe that once I've let go of my expectations of people and love them enough to need nothing from them, then I won't need those nervous tics anymore.  I also need to stop hating God.  Need and expectation are signs of someone who doesn't feel whole inside.  Only love makes you whole.  Love takes away need, expectation, selfishness, greed and the desire to feel better than people and judge them if they don't live up to your expectations.