Wednesday, October 23, 2013

One More Onion Layer Peeled

  I was meditating this morning and I was informed that I've been looking at things backwards.  Usually,  I ask those around me to have patience with me because I am broken.  What has come to me is that everyone is broken in some way and that I am quite impatient with other people.  This lesson has been a long time in coming.  I've been informed that I am finally ready to take this on in my life.  For years now, I've half-heartedly noticed that I get really frustrated with traffic while I'm driving.  I've told myself that I'd like to not be so angry when I drive, but it's never gone any further than that.
  This morning, I was told that this particular thread in the weaving is connected to a much larger picture.  Those of you who know me either personally or through my blog posts, know that I feel myself to be innocent while the rest of the world is full of bad people.  The key to the difference in when I make a bad choice and when someone else does is that I feel as if I accidentally chose poorly while I believe that other people deliberately do "bad" things.  Ever since I was a child, I've always unconsciously categorized people as superior or inferior to me.  Those whom I deemed superior, I would seek out some way in which I could feel superior to them.  This conveniently came in the guise of blame.  I would view them as being mean by choice and convince myself that I am better than they are because I would never do anything "bad" deliberately.
  Most people, non-mean people specifically, were much easier to feel superior to with whatever perceived flaws I could subconsciously take note of.  I've always had a "special place in my heart" for the handicapped, whether mentally or physically.  This may merely be due to the ease of superiority in being around them.  It's easy to stroke my ego by doing something "nice" for someone who would have difficulty doing it for themselves.  It was never a huge sacrifice on my part, just some small effort with a much larger "reward" (ego stroke).
  For me, feeling superior to mean people wasn't good enough.  I had to subconsciously in some way. I'd always some way to screw something up which would affect a "mean" person in some negative way.  I have recently started to take up the mantra that "I am not inferior or superior to anyone.  We are all equal."  This has been helpful mentally, but in my actions, I've not changed a thing.  I was recently asked, "Do you have trouble looking at the ugly parts of yourself?"  When I replied that I did not, the question then came, "What concrete actions have you taken to prove this?"
  The honest answer to that question is that it is only in my mind that I have no problem examining my ugliness.  This is the same with many things I say I believe in.  It is only in my mind because my actions don't reflect my words.  Take all these blog entries for instance.  Every one of them that raises a revelation I've had about myself, ends with some way out of my ugliness.  With all this "wisdom" I seem to spout, why am I still so hurtful to people?  I don't actually live by my words.  That is the very definition of hypocrisy.
  Now, let's get back to my frustration while driving.  I view everyone out there as deliberately sabotaging my smooth ride.  Everything that isn't conducive to me getting from point A to point B in the quickest, easiest manner is seen as an infuriating act of hatred against me.  I therefore feel justified in being hateful and angry in return to these people.  Of course, in being a coward, I never actually do anything.  It's all just yelling, cursing and seething.  To make matters worse, any flaws in my driving are viewed as accidental, thereby exonerating me of any guilt.  This further corroborates my superiority.
  Here is how this relates to my problem with "mean" people.  I never confront any affronts to my person.  If someone behaves disrespectfully to me, I merely shut them out of my life or find some subconscious, passive-aggressive way to get back at them.  If I keep in mind that I am no better or worse than anybody and that we're all trying our best, I won't feel the need to hurt anyone.  Also, if someone does hurt me, I should let them know exactly how they hurt me.  If they care about me, they can then choose to rectify the hurt.  If I don't confront them, they might never know how they hurt me and will just wonder why I'm either ignoring them or subconsciously hurting them.
  The ones closest to me are the ones I have the most trouble with confronting.  I must first feel that I am their equal, then as an equal, share with them my concerns.  If I view them as inferior to me, I will not see them as caring to or being capable of helping the situation.  If I view them as superior to me, I will subconsciously believe that they deliberately hurt me, and why would someone who did something on purpose try to rectify?  People left and right are losing my trust and respect without them or me even knowing it.  If I don't know I don't respect or trust someone, of course I'll do things to them disrespectfully without knowing it.
  Self-love is the key to undoing this horrible mess I'm in.  These patterns started when I was a child, in reaction to treatment from bullies and my parents.  If I had loved myself enough to stand up for myself back then, I wouldn't have developed these coping mechanisms which are hopelessly outdated in my life right now.  Even back then, they were not the healthy way of dealing with the pain.  I never actually allowed myself to feel the pain.  This sort of lifestyle might very well lead to me being completely alone because I don't know how to interact with people in meaningful ways.  I'll certainly be left with nothing but myself and my pain.  Perhaps I'll feel it then.  I should visualize what that would feel like so that I can put a fire under my butt to figure out a way out of my problems without losing everyone who is important to me.

No comments:

Post a Comment