The Karaoke Experience

  I've  been shredding paper all day.  I think the Chinese invented paper.  Thanks a million, y'all!  I did take a break to go to the head.  Nature called and said, "Hey boy, if you value your dignity and your underpants, you'll get your scrawny little ass on a toilet pronto!"  So I did.  I prayed, "Now I sit me down to poo.  I pray the Lord to see me through.  If I die before I wipe.  That's the story of my life."
  I wanted to talk about Karaoke.  It's a very unique experience.  I think the kara in karaoke is the same as the kara in karate.  Karate is the 'way of the empty hand' and karaoke means 'empty orchestra' in Japanese.  But what do I know?  I'm about as Japanese as a ham sammich (my sincerest apologies to any Japanese ham sammiches out there).
  What I do know is that when you karaoke you might make a lot of friends.  You might get song requests.  Girls might offer you sexual favors and guys might offer to buy you drinks (or vice versa).  Bartenders might give you free drinks.  Girls might throw their lacy underthings at you.  You might end up in a threesome.  You might start to get recognized around town at restaurants, grocery stores and shopping malls.  People might want to get their picture taken with you.  Producers might approach you with musical projects.  The coolest thing, though is, you might find the love of your life.
  Throughout my life, four out of every five of my girlfriends I met at karaoke.  I already told you the story of how I met Kayla at karaoke.  One time, when we were at karaoke, a girl started dancing suggestively with me.  I turned around and walked my butt to my wife and hung out with her for the remainder of the song.  That girl got the hint and left me alone.  On the other hand, one time a guy sat in the chair next to my wife.  I grabbed another chair and dragged it loudly across the floor and placed it right between the two of them.  That guy got the hint and left us alone.  People might not naturally assume that a Caucasian chick is with an Asian dude, but she is and she's on me like white on rice.

The Nocent part 5

  The other day I was at work, mopping the floor at the end of the day.  When I was done, I dumped the water from the bucket.  I had forgotten to squeeze the mop out of as much water as possible so it could dry over night.  I didn't want to have to empty the bucket again so I detached the wringer and placed it in the sink.  I put the mop in the wringer expecting an easy time of it.  What I didn't take into account is the pressure required to wring out a mop.  I found out the hard way that a sink isn't designed to accommodate a wringer's specific requirements.  I think I knocked the faucet about half an inch to the left.  I thought to myself, "Paul, if you can successfully think of a dumber way to do this, I won't be forced to smack you upside the head."  Yeah, no I couldn't think of a dumber way.  Oh yeah, but about the Nocent:
  I was sifting through my folder of short stories and I realized that several of them relate in some way to characters from the Nocent.  I went through every story and found the ones that would take place before the Nocent novels and the ones that take place after.  Since I already have a collection of short stories as a prequel to the Nocent trilogy, it was just a matter of adding more stories to it.  It was at that point that I decided to make a fifth book.  I don't have a title for it yet, but there are six stories already to be included in it!  Oh, baby oh, baby oh, baby.  You know, if fried chicken grew on trees, I would say that God's Chinese.