Sunday, July 21, 2013

All My Soldiers

  I just thought of an analogy for the way my PTSD makes it difficult to create a beautiful future.  Let's say that I have 20 soldiers fighting my daily battles.  By this, I mean the full amount of attention I pay to any given objective.  Now, what happens when some outer stimulus triggers a past memory, suddenly 18 of my soldiers sneak off to go fight the memory, leaving only two to help me with the task at hand.  I'll just start doing poorly at what I'm trying to do, but I won't have any idea that I'm doing poorly.
  I think this is why I have so many different diagnoses.  I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, dissociative disorder, anxiety, depression and ADD/ADHD.  I think that what is really going on that ties it all together is PTSD.  Being happy trying to achieve an objective, then being triggered into sudden inattentiveness can account for both the bipolar disorder and the ADD.  It might seem to a casual observer that I go from happy to angry in no time flat with even the slightest provocation.  It might also seem that I don't know how to focus my attention and concentrate well on a task, but that could just be that I'm no longer fully engrossed in the task with 18 of my soldiers fighting some invisible enemy that I'm not even aware of.  That could certainly bring about anxiety and depression. It could also look as if I'm dissociating myself from a traumatic experience, whereas I might just be getting reminded of a past traumatic experience and reacting to that.
  The VA refuses to diagnose me with PTSD so I'm just going at it alone.  I also don't care anymore to try to get diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.  I've purchased books on both subjects and am reading them.  I believe that the Asperger-like symptoms I exhibit might also be tied into the PTSD so I'm only reading the book for any insight into how others have dealt with it.  I also bought a book on neuroplasticity which is the ability of the brain to fix itself from even severe damage.  It is showing me that I can train my brain to overcome any deficiencies no matter how long I've had them. This concept ties into the reason I play the brain flexing games at
  Of course, all of this is really a spiritual matter.  The manner in which I was raised caused me to believe things about myself which simply are not true.  I am perfectly capable of thinking just as well as anybody.  Once I have healed myself spiritually, all the other perceived problems will simply melt away and what will be left will be a perfectly capable, whole person.  I will also be able to feel things like love and compassion.  Intangible feelings such as respect, honor and trust will no longer mystify me.  Everything comes down to loving myself.  If I had just done that in the first place, then my parents would not have been able to break my spirit.
  I live in constant fear.  I've heard that the constant threat of abuse leads to a hyper vigilance and that this can lead to mental fatigue.  No wonder I am always so tired.  I have always had trouble falling and staying asleep because I am always on high alert.  My parents instilled in me the fear of being different from them.  In other words, I fear being myself.  That is why any growth in a positive direction triggers in me the fight, flight or freeze instinct.  I usually just shut down mentally.  That is why my subconscious sabotages any attempt I make at having a happy life.  Also, since so much trauma happened while I was awake as a child, I made my dream world a comforting place to be.  Therefore, waking up is my number one PTSD trigger.  I start off every day in what some would call a manic episode.  Sleep is the only peace I ever get.  When I'm awake, not only am I hyper vigilant, I also can be triggered even deeper into inattentiveness by any number of outer stimuli.  All this is very taxing mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

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