It's All Starting To Fit Together

  Over the years I've had so many theories as to what is wrong with me.  At different times, I thought I had a borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorder, clinical depression, hypoglycemia, OCD, ADD, ADHD, HDTV, PTSD, AC/DC and even sleep apnea!  I mean, shit, is there anything I didn't think I had?  None of it made as much sense as bipolar disorder does, the more I find out about it.  The doc gave me a questionnaire which I filled out.  We'll discuss it next time we have a session.  He also gave me a book called, 'Bipolar: The Elements of Bipolar Disorder' by Dr. Jay Carter.
  What I've found out is that most of what I hate about myself and even some of what I like about myself is attributable to B.D.  My trouble sleeping, my meanness to my wife, my depression, my creativity, my distractability, my forgetfulness, my grandiosity.  The list goes on and on.  I wish I had found this all out much earlier in life.  I know everything happens for a reason so I know there's something good to come of all this, but right now I'm just glad I'm beginning to find out a bit more about myself.
  This is a chemical thing, not a psychological thing.  That's why my psychologist ain't able to make any headway (pun intended) with me.  I do know that I had a screwy childhood, but honestly, I can find my own way to deal with that through meditation, prayer, loving my family, friendship and blogging once I've been able to stabilize my mood chemically.  I have no idea what it's gonna be like to be normal.  Maybe my blog will start to suck.  Hopefully my family will be able to be happy and healthy the way I've always intended to help them to be.  That's the biggest thing.  Maybe the thought of bologna sammiches won't keep me up until three in the morning anymore.  My damn spell check says I misspelled OCD!  How do you spell OCD?  I should call it CDO so that it's in alphabetical order the way it should be.

Underdogs

  If I was Davidson, I'd be pissed because everyone knows what you're talking about when you say you ride a Harley.  Somehow all my life, I've always been able to relate with the underdogs.  I've always considered myself to be a nerd.  Geek seems too dignified.  In school it was always the outcasts that I got along best with.  I'm only telling you this so you'll understand why so many of my characters are nerdy, live in poverty, are homosexual, have disabilities (learning or otherwise), are socially inept or have OCD, etc.
  As you already know, I have ADD.  I also suffer from depression, anxiety, anger issues and a dissociative disorder.  I'll be meeting with my psychologist soon to see if I may be manic depressive.  I'm not boohooing here, I'm just like everyone else.  We all have problems and those just happen to be my particular crosses to bear.  My point (there is one, I swear) is as follows.
  There are several bands, directors and authors out there who seem to know how I, and people like me,  feel.  The bands, Hatebreed and Soulfly, have a very positive message about how family and friends can help you through tough times and that you are the source of your own strength.  Slipknot stands up for the downtrodden with lines such as, "What the fuck are you looking at?  I'll tell you what you're looking at: everyone you ever fucking laughed at!" from their song, Disasterpiece from the album, Iowa.  I don't need to go into all the songs, movies and books of that nature out there, I think you get the idea.
  Anyway, a big motivation for my writing is to try to connect with people out there who don't feel as if anyone understands them.  If even one person out there is impacted by my writing the way I am when I watch What's Eating Gilbert Grape?, I would feel like my life had some purpose.  Maybe I just have an inflated ego.  Well, the jury's still out on the manic depressive thing.  As they said in The Importance of Being Ernest, "The suspese is terrible!  I hope it'll last."  Now that I think about it, Willy Wonka said that too.