Tuesday, February 15, 2011

It's All Starting To Fit Together

  Over the years I've had so many theories as to what is wrong with me.  At different times, I thought I had a borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorder, clinical depression, hypoglycemia, OCD, ADD, ADHD, HDTV, PTSD, AC/DC and even sleep apnea!  I mean, shit, is there anything I didn't think I had?  None of it made as much sense as bipolar disorder does, the more I find out about it.  The doc gave me a questionnaire which I filled out.  We'll discuss it next time we have a session.  He also gave me a book called, 'Bipolar: The Elements of Bipolar Disorder' by Dr. Jay Carter.
  What I've found out is that most of what I hate about myself and even some of what I like about myself is attributable to B.D.  My trouble sleeping, my meanness to my wife, my depression, my creativity, my distractability, my forgetfulness, my grandiosity.  The list goes on and on.  I wish I had found this all out much earlier in life.  I know everything happens for a reason so I know there's something good to come of all this, but right now I'm just glad I'm beginning to find out a bit more about myself.
  This is a chemical thing, not a psychological thing.  That's why my psychologist ain't able to make any headway (pun intended) with me.  I do know that I had a screwy childhood, but honestly, I can find my own way to deal with that through meditation, prayer, loving my family, friendship and blogging once I've been able to stabilize my mood chemically.  I have no idea what it's gonna be like to be normal.  Maybe my blog will start to suck.  Hopefully my family will be able to be happy and healthy the way I've always intended to help them to be.  That's the biggest thing.  Maybe the thought of bologna sammiches won't keep me up until three in the morning anymore.  My damn spell check says I misspelled OCD!  How do you spell OCD?  I should call it CDO so that it's in alphabetical order the way it should be.

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