Kayla says that I've still got unresolved anger issues and that singing, writing, acting and blogging aren't the answer. I know that they are things that bring me joy, but there's a much deeper, richer joy to be had by dealing with my issues. At the moment, these little joys are merely distractions from my issues.
One of the things I know I struggle with is that I always feel like a victim. I always feel as if I am innocent and that I don't deserve to suffer. Back when I used to go to church, there was an example of an innocent person who didn't deserve to suffer. If I was to believe the hype, he was more innocent than I and suffered more than I do. That gave me some comfort, but not any more.
Now, in so many ways, I victimize myself. Here's a classic example that Kayla brought up: I had a bottle of Chinese Five Spice that was the cheapie brand. It was too heavy on the cinnamon, perhaps because that was the cheapest of the five spices. I tried to add other spices to dilute the cinnamon smell and taste, but I only put what would fit into the original container. There was very little space to work with. Kayla suggested that I think outside the bottle and put it into a larger container. Once I did that, I was able to add all kinds of herbs and spices to make it a very flavorful powder that I use to cook with.
That is what I do with my life. I keep myself bottled up and I add to my life only what can fit into this limited space. This blog itself is a spice I'm stuffing into the bottle of my life. Kayla says that my joy could be boundless if I learned to live outside the bottle. I can't give up on living a healthy life.
One of the things I know I struggle with is that I always feel like a victim. I always feel as if I am innocent and that I don't deserve to suffer. Back when I used to go to church, there was an example of an innocent person who didn't deserve to suffer. If I was to believe the hype, he was more innocent than I and suffered more than I do. That gave me some comfort, but not any more.
Now, in so many ways, I victimize myself. Here's a classic example that Kayla brought up: I had a bottle of Chinese Five Spice that was the cheapie brand. It was too heavy on the cinnamon, perhaps because that was the cheapest of the five spices. I tried to add other spices to dilute the cinnamon smell and taste, but I only put what would fit into the original container. There was very little space to work with. Kayla suggested that I think outside the bottle and put it into a larger container. Once I did that, I was able to add all kinds of herbs and spices to make it a very flavorful powder that I use to cook with.
That is what I do with my life. I keep myself bottled up and I add to my life only what can fit into this limited space. This blog itself is a spice I'm stuffing into the bottle of my life. Kayla says that my joy could be boundless if I learned to live outside the bottle. I can't give up on living a healthy life.
