Friday, June 10, 2011

In God We're Trussed

  Kayla says that I've still got unresolved anger issues and that singing, writing, acting and blogging aren't the answer.  I know that they are things that bring me joy, but there's a much deeper, richer joy to be had by dealing with my issues.  At the moment, these little joys are merely distractions from my issues.
  One of the things I know I struggle with is that I always feel like a victim.  I always feel as if I am innocent and that I don't deserve to suffer.  Back when I used to go to church, there was an example of an innocent person who didn't deserve to suffer.  If I was to believe the hype, he was more innocent than I and suffered more than I do.  That gave me some comfort, but not any more.
  Now, in so many ways, I victimize myself.  Here's a classic example that Kayla brought up: I had a bottle of Chinese Five Spice that was the cheapie brand.  It was too heavy on the cinnamon, perhaps because that was the cheapest of the five spices.  I tried to add other spices to dilute the cinnamon smell and taste, but I only put what would fit into the original container.  There was very little space to work with.  Kayla suggested that I think outside the bottle and put it into a larger container.  Once I did that, I was able to add all kinds of herbs and spices to make it a very flavorful powder that I use to cook with.
  That is what I do with my life.  I keep myself bottled up and I add to my life only what can fit into this limited space.  This blog itself is a spice I'm stuffing into the bottle of my life.  Kayla says that my joy could be boundless if I learned to live outside the bottle.  I can't give up on living a healthy life.

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