Tuesday, March 26, 2013

My Brokenness

  The purpose of this writing is to explore my brokenness.  I'd like to define it, understand it and hold it.  I can't drop what I can't hold and I can't hold what I don't understand.  Once I've defined my brokenness, I'd like to explore its connection to my everyday activities.  The point of this is so that I can learn to love myself, understand who I really am and fully visualize who I'd like to be.  I am not my body, I am my soul.  Any limitations I've put on myself, whether or not they were ingrained by my parents or my own devising, are merely an illusion.  A soul cannot be limited in reality, only in my mind.
  Somewhere to start is by paying close attention to my sponsoring thought.  That is the thought behind my thoughts.  Is it coming from a place of love or from a place of fear?  What's my motivation behind everything I do and say?  If I don't know, then it is most likely not coming from love.  Only when I know that love is my motivating factor for everything I do and say, will my actions match my intentions.  Even good intentions can come from a place of fear.  That is where mine come from.  I intend to do good things because I am afraid of being wrong or stupid or bad.  I don't do good things because I care about the people that will benefit from them.
  This leads me to my next topic: selfishness.  It doesn't matter what my actions are that arise out of selfishness, they will end up badly for everyone.  It may seem that someone who is selfish only loves themselves, but that is not the case.  If they loved themselves, they wouldn't have to be selfish.  When you are selfish, you are only thinking of your wants.  You are ignoring your needs.  And if you can ignore your own needs, how can you think that you'll be considering other people's needs? Even if all you are thinking about is someone else's wants, that is not loving them either.  That is what enablers do for addicts.  They are not helping them by giving them what they want.  And don't think that doing a selfish act will end badly due to karma or some cosmic intervention.  Bad outcomes are merely a natural consequence of needs not being met.
  When I talk about needs, I'm not talking about the soul.  The soul needs nothing.  I'm talking about physical needs.  To always keep in mind everyone's needs takes care which takes love.  Love is the language of the soul, so you are feeding yourself spiritually when you are being selfless.  You are also feeding everyone else's soul.  Even if you have nothing physical to give to someone, if you are thinking about their needs, you are loving them.  The poorest man can give infinitely more to someone than the richest man can ever hope to.  A hug, compared to a million bucks will always win out if the one being hugged values themselves in a healthy way spiritually.
  'Conversations With God' says that it is through what you think of as evil and what you think of as good that you define yourself.  This is very interesting to me in that I've never put any thought into those things.  I have no idea what I consider to be evil or good.  No wonder I don't know myself!  This will take some soul searching, some meditation, some exploration.  I am such a blank slate.  No wonder everything confuses me.
  So far, the only things I can say for sure are that I think getting into trouble is evil and not getting into trouble is good. This definitely does define me.  I lie to myself saying that I live to please people or help them or care for them, when in reality, I merely live to try not to displease people.
  I was just thinking about how I can find some worth in this world when I realized how small I'm thinking.  I'm making myself so much smaller by shrinking the arena in which I perform.  It doesn't matter what this world thinks of me.  I'm not in this body to be important to this world.  I am in this body to experience life.  I am the eyes, ears and fingers of God.  When I truly come to value myself as a part of that universe, I become much bigger.  I've always tried to be a part of something to feel as if I belong somewhere, but it won't be until I'm not just a part of something that I will know that I am the whole of everything.  The opinions of this planet are tiny compared to the esteem of beings all over the universe who understand just what it is their up to and what it is I'm up to here.  Thinking I'm not important within that context would be like thinking that the band Slipknot isn't famous because the citizens of some podunk town in Montana have never heard of them.  And yet, this planet is important enough that people like Buddha, Jesus and Mother Theresa thought it was worthy to visit here.
  Oh, and by the way, final tally: 'The Nocent part 2: Advent of the Scathing' sold 108 copies worldwide during its 5-day promotion!

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