Unloving

  'Conversations With God' by Neale Donald Walsch says that you cannot experience yourself as being loving until you have first experienced yourself as being not loving.  What this tells me is that I must own up to my faults.  Often I sugar coat them or try to downplay them.  I try to see myself as loving by seeing myself as not unloving.  I have it backwards.  That's why I have such trouble loving myself.  I have never truly experienced myself as unloving.  I have some excuse for every unloving deed I've ever done.  This will never get me to a place where I can know myself from the inside out.  I lie to myself when I turn a blind eye to my short-comings.  Once I have embraced my true nature, I can know myself well enough to make a choice as to whether I will be loving or unloving.  I can't make that choice if I don't even acknowledge what is unloving about the things I say or do in day to day situations.  It's like I'm blind, holding a bucket of red paint and thinking I'm painting my house green.