I think I'm coming to at least the beginning of an understanding as to my internal conflict. This invisible enemy I'm constantly in an uphill battle against is just starting to make sense to me. It came to me when I was thinking about what my biggest fear is. I think it's the fear of being found to be worthless. I get this from my father who has always made known to me how to be someone in this world according to his philosophy. You need to work hard and support your family.
He grew up in a family with a father who had five or six children that he had to support on a minister's wages. This forced my father to get a job at a very early age to help support his family. There is also something that came to me recently. I think that before my dad got a job, he was always forced to go to church. This made his identity solely based on being a preacher's son. I think that having a job gave him the leverage to stop going to church because he would be too busy at work. It also gave him some semblance of an identity as a working man.
So that is what I grew up with was struggling not to feel worthless in my father's eyes. What I got from my mother is an identity as a weak person. I was born just a little prematurely and was therefore, smaller at birth. My mother saw this as weakness and always treats me that way. My sister was born at a more healthy weight and that cemented it in my mother's mind that I am weak, unhealthy and incapable.
She was born as the smaller of a pair of twins. Her mother always treated her as weak, unhealthy and incapable. As much as my mother resented this, I think it is the only way she knows how to feel loved is when someone is taking care of her. Of course, she also felt a sense of empowerment when I came along and finally she wasn't the weak one anymore. She was the strong mother who had to take care of her weak child. I think that I too came to only understand love through being taken care of.
So there is the insane dichotomy which defines my identity. I have lived a life balancing earning my mother's love by being weak and earning my father's love by not being worthless. That is why, out here in the real world, I always secretly sabotage myself at every turn. I do everything possible to find a healthy spiritual outlook on life, but there's that side of me that just wants to be taken care of and paid attention to. I'm attention hungry and deep down want to just curl up and be a baby even as my conscious self tries to become strong and independent.
The truth is, my worth does not come from any job I might have. Conversely, my strength will not be from the amount of muscles I have. I will be worth something when I decide that I am. I will be strong when I decide that I am. Being skinny, fat, hard-working, lazy or anything in between has nothing to do with the real me. I am a soul which is made of the same thing that both God and all of you are made of. I am as worthy as any of you are and I am as strong as God is. Now it's just a question of living out my life with this understanding.
To this end, I have decided to start a group for people who would like to explore issues of spirituality and self-worth through discussions of zombie books and movies. The idea came to me when I read the following passage in 'Conversations With God book 2' by Neale Donald Walsch: "The thing to remember: Consciousness is everything, and creates your experience. Group consciousness is powerful and produces outcomes of unspeakable beauty or ugliness. The choice is always yours. If you are not satisfied with the consciousness of your group, seek to change it. The best way to change the consciousness of others is by your example. If your example is not enough, form your own group-you be the source of the consciousness you wish others to experience. They will-when you do. It begins with you. Everything. All things. You want the world to change? Change things in your own world."
This is Friday night, April 19th as I'm writing this and tomorrow morning at 11am at the Local Author Fair at Bookmans, I'm going to have a sign-up sheet for people who would be interested in joining Zombie Evolution. I seek to help others to stop living in fear. In doing so, I'm hoping to end fear in my own life. By the way, Chief Loh is now ranked #6 in Tucson on reverbnation.com!
He grew up in a family with a father who had five or six children that he had to support on a minister's wages. This forced my father to get a job at a very early age to help support his family. There is also something that came to me recently. I think that before my dad got a job, he was always forced to go to church. This made his identity solely based on being a preacher's son. I think that having a job gave him the leverage to stop going to church because he would be too busy at work. It also gave him some semblance of an identity as a working man.
So that is what I grew up with was struggling not to feel worthless in my father's eyes. What I got from my mother is an identity as a weak person. I was born just a little prematurely and was therefore, smaller at birth. My mother saw this as weakness and always treats me that way. My sister was born at a more healthy weight and that cemented it in my mother's mind that I am weak, unhealthy and incapable.
She was born as the smaller of a pair of twins. Her mother always treated her as weak, unhealthy and incapable. As much as my mother resented this, I think it is the only way she knows how to feel loved is when someone is taking care of her. Of course, she also felt a sense of empowerment when I came along and finally she wasn't the weak one anymore. She was the strong mother who had to take care of her weak child. I think that I too came to only understand love through being taken care of.
So there is the insane dichotomy which defines my identity. I have lived a life balancing earning my mother's love by being weak and earning my father's love by not being worthless. That is why, out here in the real world, I always secretly sabotage myself at every turn. I do everything possible to find a healthy spiritual outlook on life, but there's that side of me that just wants to be taken care of and paid attention to. I'm attention hungry and deep down want to just curl up and be a baby even as my conscious self tries to become strong and independent.
The truth is, my worth does not come from any job I might have. Conversely, my strength will not be from the amount of muscles I have. I will be worth something when I decide that I am. I will be strong when I decide that I am. Being skinny, fat, hard-working, lazy or anything in between has nothing to do with the real me. I am a soul which is made of the same thing that both God and all of you are made of. I am as worthy as any of you are and I am as strong as God is. Now it's just a question of living out my life with this understanding.
To this end, I have decided to start a group for people who would like to explore issues of spirituality and self-worth through discussions of zombie books and movies. The idea came to me when I read the following passage in 'Conversations With God book 2' by Neale Donald Walsch: "The thing to remember: Consciousness is everything, and creates your experience. Group consciousness is powerful and produces outcomes of unspeakable beauty or ugliness. The choice is always yours. If you are not satisfied with the consciousness of your group, seek to change it. The best way to change the consciousness of others is by your example. If your example is not enough, form your own group-you be the source of the consciousness you wish others to experience. They will-when you do. It begins with you. Everything. All things. You want the world to change? Change things in your own world."
This is Friday night, April 19th as I'm writing this and tomorrow morning at 11am at the Local Author Fair at Bookmans, I'm going to have a sign-up sheet for people who would be interested in joining Zombie Evolution. I seek to help others to stop living in fear. In doing so, I'm hoping to end fear in my own life. By the way, Chief Loh is now ranked #6 in Tucson on reverbnation.com!
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