I Am Mine

  Me with my ungulate's dexterity trying to work the paper shredding machine is kinda humorous.  By the way, the title of this blog is also the title of a Pearl Jam song, as you may know.
  Last night my wife and I had a discussion about my obsession with blogging.  I realized that this dates back to my childhood.  I've always wanted to be a writer/singer/lots of other things.  My parents always told me I had to be something like a doctor, lawyer, etc. if I wanted financial security in my life.  They really loved it when I joined the Navy.  They told me I'd never be able to support myself, much less a family as a rock star or author.  It became my life's ambition to prove them wrong.  That's why I taught myself how to scream at karaoke.  My whole life has been one of defiance and rebellion against people who no longer have any say in what I do.  I'm almost 35 and I'm still living this empty existence.
  Last night's discussion happened after Kayla and I watched the final episode of Quantum Leap on Netflix.  The bartender, Al, tried to get Sam to understand that Sam himself has been the one in control of his leaps.  he creates his own destiny.  Sam refused to believe him and insisted that it's God, Al the bartender or some unknown force that has been leaping him around in time.  Sam would only return home when he accepted responsibility for his own destiny.  The episode ended by saying that Sam never returned home.  He left behind a wife, a life and many people who care about him.
  The Princess Bride had a character whose whole life was based on finding the man who killed his father and taking vengeance by killing him.  Once he killed him, he found that he had no idea what to do with his life.  His life was always empty of meaning, but it was full of anger.  Once his anger was played out, he finally felt that emptiness that had always been there.
  I don't want to end up like that.  I should be happy that I have a wife and family who love me.  I should be happy that I can sing/scream and write songs and stories.  I shouldn't need fame, recognition or acceptance from anyone outside of myself.  I mean, let's say that I do become famous, then what?  What, should I go up to my parents and say, "Hello, my name is Inego Montoya.  You snuffed my fire.  Prepare to watch me support my family with rock star riches."  That's stupid and meaningless.  I am not going to live my life for my parents anymore.  I'm going to live my life for myself and my family.  I'm glad to have you as readers.  Believe me I'm grateful and appreciative, but I'm not doing this for you anymore either.  I'm in charge of my own destiny.  I will stop leaping from blog to karaoke bar to Facebook trying to satisfy my obsession with achieving fame.  I'm going to return home where I have a wife, a life and many people who care about me.

Faces and Dreams

  I have a strange ability with faces.  I can see someone in passing, say at a mall, and capture their looks in my mind.  I can then see in my head their face in different lighting, with different angles and with different facial expressions.  It's fun to just sit on a bench at a mall and do that.  It's kind of like meditation to me in that it is soothing and keeps my mind sharp and focused.
  This ability also makes me really good at spotting and identifying actors in different movies.  I can be watching a movie and would have to pause it to tell my wife that so and so was in a scene in the background in an episode of Frasier drinking coffee or some such.  Inevitably, I'd be right, at least most of the time.  You wouldn't believe how many actors from cheesy B-grade 80's splatter flicks show up in episodes of Quantum Leap.  My poor wife has to endure my little tangents when I hop on wikipedia to substantiate my suspicions.
  Another area of my life in which I have very vivid images is in my dreams.  I use every one of my senses in my dreams.  Often, I'll be eating something and I can smell it as I bring it to my lips, then feel my teeth bite off a chunk and taste it on my tongue.  I'll be hot or cold, wet or dry and feel it all.  I love looking out of windows to see all the details of the outside world within my mind.  I like to check out what time of day it is, what the weather is like and what people and objects are out there.  Are these places I've been?  Are these people I've seen, am I making them up or have I never even met them?
  One of my favorite things to do in a dream is to flip through a book or magazine.  It's especially fun if it's a magazine with pictures.  I like looking at the picture, turning the page, then turning back to see if it's the same picture or if it's changed.  I love it when it's an art book I'm looking at.  I often wonder if the paintings I'm seeing are from my memory banks or if their being spontaneously created by my imagination.  The detail in the paintings are incredible!  Sometimes I'll just study a painting for a while.  If I bring the art book close to my face, I can even smell the paper and ink!
  Recently, I had a dream where I was on the mast of a boat.  I was looking down at the water, thinking to jump in.  I wondered if I would wake up before I hit the surface or what.  I jumped in, forcing myself to keep my eyes open.  I could see the top of the water rushing up to me like a blue wall.  As my feet broke the surface, I could actually see the trail of air bubbles following the path of my feet through the water.  I felt the sudden weightlessness, temperature change and wetness.  All sound became muffled except the sound of the bubbles floating up and popping as they breached the border between liquid and atmosphere.