Monday, January 31, 2011

I Am Mine

  Me with my ungulate's dexterity trying to work the paper shredding machine is kinda humorous.  By the way, the title of this blog is also the title of a Pearl Jam song, as you may know.
  Last night my wife and I had a discussion about my obsession with blogging.  I realized that this dates back to my childhood.  I've always wanted to be a writer/singer/lots of other things.  My parents always told me I had to be something like a doctor, lawyer, etc. if I wanted financial security in my life.  They really loved it when I joined the Navy.  They told me I'd never be able to support myself, much less a family as a rock star or author.  It became my life's ambition to prove them wrong.  That's why I taught myself how to scream at karaoke.  My whole life has been one of defiance and rebellion against people who no longer have any say in what I do.  I'm almost 35 and I'm still living this empty existence.
  Last night's discussion happened after Kayla and I watched the final episode of Quantum Leap on Netflix.  The bartender, Al, tried to get Sam to understand that Sam himself has been the one in control of his leaps.  he creates his own destiny.  Sam refused to believe him and insisted that it's God, Al the bartender or some unknown force that has been leaping him around in time.  Sam would only return home when he accepted responsibility for his own destiny.  The episode ended by saying that Sam never returned home.  He left behind a wife, a life and many people who care about him.
  The Princess Bride had a character whose whole life was based on finding the man who killed his father and taking vengeance by killing him.  Once he killed him, he found that he had no idea what to do with his life.  His life was always empty of meaning, but it was full of anger.  Once his anger was played out, he finally felt that emptiness that had always been there.
  I don't want to end up like that.  I should be happy that I have a wife and family who love me.  I should be happy that I can sing/scream and write songs and stories.  I shouldn't need fame, recognition or acceptance from anyone outside of myself.  I mean, let's say that I do become famous, then what?  What, should I go up to my parents and say, "Hello, my name is Inego Montoya.  You snuffed my fire.  Prepare to watch me support my family with rock star riches."  That's stupid and meaningless.  I am not going to live my life for my parents anymore.  I'm going to live my life for myself and my family.  I'm glad to have you as readers.  Believe me I'm grateful and appreciative, but I'm not doing this for you anymore either.  I'm in charge of my own destiny.  I will stop leaping from blog to karaoke bar to Facebook trying to satisfy my obsession with achieving fame.  I'm going to return home where I have a wife, a life and many people who care about me.

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