I Am Mine

  Me with my ungulate's dexterity trying to work the paper shredding machine is kinda humorous.  By the way, the title of this blog is also the title of a Pearl Jam song, as you may know.
  Last night my wife and I had a discussion about my obsession with blogging.  I realized that this dates back to my childhood.  I've always wanted to be a writer/singer/lots of other things.  My parents always told me I had to be something like a doctor, lawyer, etc. if I wanted financial security in my life.  They really loved it when I joined the Navy.  They told me I'd never be able to support myself, much less a family as a rock star or author.  It became my life's ambition to prove them wrong.  That's why I taught myself how to scream at karaoke.  My whole life has been one of defiance and rebellion against people who no longer have any say in what I do.  I'm almost 35 and I'm still living this empty existence.
  Last night's discussion happened after Kayla and I watched the final episode of Quantum Leap on Netflix.  The bartender, Al, tried to get Sam to understand that Sam himself has been the one in control of his leaps.  he creates his own destiny.  Sam refused to believe him and insisted that it's God, Al the bartender or some unknown force that has been leaping him around in time.  Sam would only return home when he accepted responsibility for his own destiny.  The episode ended by saying that Sam never returned home.  He left behind a wife, a life and many people who care about him.
  The Princess Bride had a character whose whole life was based on finding the man who killed his father and taking vengeance by killing him.  Once he killed him, he found that he had no idea what to do with his life.  His life was always empty of meaning, but it was full of anger.  Once his anger was played out, he finally felt that emptiness that had always been there.
  I don't want to end up like that.  I should be happy that I have a wife and family who love me.  I should be happy that I can sing/scream and write songs and stories.  I shouldn't need fame, recognition or acceptance from anyone outside of myself.  I mean, let's say that I do become famous, then what?  What, should I go up to my parents and say, "Hello, my name is Inego Montoya.  You snuffed my fire.  Prepare to watch me support my family with rock star riches."  That's stupid and meaningless.  I am not going to live my life for my parents anymore.  I'm going to live my life for myself and my family.  I'm glad to have you as readers.  Believe me I'm grateful and appreciative, but I'm not doing this for you anymore either.  I'm in charge of my own destiny.  I will stop leaping from blog to karaoke bar to Facebook trying to satisfy my obsession with achieving fame.  I'm going to return home where I have a wife, a life and many people who care about me.

Same Old Song

  I just uploaded the song Scar Chasm by my old band, Shadow Puppets on our MySpace page.  You can find the lyrics to it on the Zombie Killer Genesis blog.  I still plan on making a video for it, but haven't gotten around to it yet.  Been busy.  I just put out chapter 10 of the Nocent.  Hope you enjoy it.  So far, readers have voted unanimously for me to start putting out a chapter on Mondays too.  So let it be written, so let it be done.  Your wand is my commish.  Oh, I am now down to fewer than 100 days left in the Navy!  Double digits, baby!  I just got some new friends on Facebook.  Most of them are old high school friends.  If you're reading this, hello!

Half-Mast

  I have duty today.  I'm in the color detail, which means that I lower or raise the ensign (United States flag) on my duty days.  Today we raised the flag at half-mast to honor those who lost their lives at the shooting in Tucson, Arizona.  This doesn't just hit close to home with me, this hits home.  My wife and I used to eat at the Swenson's ice cream restaurant in the very shopping center that the shootings took place.  That little girl who died had just been elected president of some club at her school.  She was the chosen representative to attend the function.  If she had had fewer votes, she might be alive today.
  When your number's up, there's nothing you can do to stop it.  On  the other hand, when your number's not up, you can go through the craziest shit and live to tell about it.  That lady was the target and she survived cuz it wasn't her time to go yet.
  One time, a bunch of my friends and I were in the deserts of Tucson and we decided to build a bonfire.  What we didn't know was that we happened to be in the middle of a popular target shooting area.  There were spent casings all around, but even worse, there were live rounds everywhere as well.  The heat from the fire was setting them off.  Everyone was scrambling around, hiding behind trees and stuff.  I just sat calmly by the fire cuz I knew, if it was my time, one of those stray bullets would hit me or an airplane might crash land into my head if the bullet missed.  If it wasn't my time, every bullet would miss me.  Some of them came pretty close.  One even hit a paper cup that was sitting right next to me, but I was unfazed.
  I seem to have a sense about those sorts of things.  I don't know if it's insight from above or what.  It's like Frankenstein's pinky.  When they were shooting the scene where the monster was supposed to chase Victor's fiance on the night of their wedding, the actress was too frightened of Boris Karloff to shoot the scene.  Between takes, she was okay, but when he was acting, he was too menacing.  He worked out a sign with her.  When the director yelled, "Action!" he would chase her, but he would wiggle his pinky to let her know that it was just him underneath all that make-up and costume.  He would not harm her.  She agreed and they were able to successfully shoot the scene.
  No matter what I've been going through in life, there has always been that pinky wiggling to tell me that there's someone who loves me who's in charge of everything.  That way I know that even if I don't understand what's going on, I can trust that it's part of a larger plan that I am blessed to be a part of.
  As much as I don't like being in the Navy, if I wasn't in the Navy, I might have been eating at that Swenson's with my wife.  Some other sailor might have been raising that flag at half-mast in honor of us.