She's Gone

  Today, Kayla packed up some stuff, picked up the dog and drove off to Tucson in our car.  I just am not in a healthy place emotionally, spiritually or mentally.  She needs to spend some time away so that she can have some peace in her life.  I understand that.  She left practically everything.  Most of our stuff is still here.  I still have the turtle, but other than that, this isn't a home anymore.  I've unfortunately never been the source of homeness here.  I think, even if she had left the dog, this would still never feel like home without her.
  I'm really glad that at least she's been keeping me updated as to her progress on her cross-country trip.  I told her to call if ever and whenever she needs anything.  I feel so lost and empty right now.  More importantly, she is in a place where she needs to safely bring herself and a small dog all the way across America.  The car needed an oil change, but she wasn't able to get one before she left so that's another added worry for me.  All I want is for her to be safe and happy.  That's what I've always wanted, but right now it's not in my hands how safe or happy she is.
  She keeps texting and calling with various rants and complaints.  I know she has a lot of pent up frustration and emotions to vent out so I listen intently because I know it's the least I can do for her at this time.  We both love each other still, but I know this is for the best.  I know I've never been any help on her spiritual journey and I've not made much progress on mine since we've been together.  We are both completely different people than we were when we met, but still nowhere near whole, healthy or happy.
  I think that trying to keep up a family life was overwhelming for me while I was struggling with inner pain and turmoil.  I unfairly took out my frustrations in ways that would negatively affect her.  All I was trying to do was react to my pain, but I ended up causing her pain in the process.  Now I can seek counselling and get all the help I need without hindering her daily life from having peace and balance.  She has stated that when I return to Tucson in May she'll at least try to stay open to establishing some sort of relationship.  We will be keeping up communication while I'm here too.  I don't know if any of you pray, but if you do, please pray for her to find peace and balance in her life.  I just need to focus on getting myself healthy, then I can treat others in a much more loving and compassionate way.

Half-Mast

  I have duty today.  I'm in the color detail, which means that I lower or raise the ensign (United States flag) on my duty days.  Today we raised the flag at half-mast to honor those who lost their lives at the shooting in Tucson, Arizona.  This doesn't just hit close to home with me, this hits home.  My wife and I used to eat at the Swenson's ice cream restaurant in the very shopping center that the shootings took place.  That little girl who died had just been elected president of some club at her school.  She was the chosen representative to attend the function.  If she had had fewer votes, she might be alive today.
  When your number's up, there's nothing you can do to stop it.  On  the other hand, when your number's not up, you can go through the craziest shit and live to tell about it.  That lady was the target and she survived cuz it wasn't her time to go yet.
  One time, a bunch of my friends and I were in the deserts of Tucson and we decided to build a bonfire.  What we didn't know was that we happened to be in the middle of a popular target shooting area.  There were spent casings all around, but even worse, there were live rounds everywhere as well.  The heat from the fire was setting them off.  Everyone was scrambling around, hiding behind trees and stuff.  I just sat calmly by the fire cuz I knew, if it was my time, one of those stray bullets would hit me or an airplane might crash land into my head if the bullet missed.  If it wasn't my time, every bullet would miss me.  Some of them came pretty close.  One even hit a paper cup that was sitting right next to me, but I was unfazed.
  I seem to have a sense about those sorts of things.  I don't know if it's insight from above or what.  It's like Frankenstein's pinky.  When they were shooting the scene where the monster was supposed to chase Victor's fiance on the night of their wedding, the actress was too frightened of Boris Karloff to shoot the scene.  Between takes, she was okay, but when he was acting, he was too menacing.  He worked out a sign with her.  When the director yelled, "Action!" he would chase her, but he would wiggle his pinky to let her know that it was just him underneath all that make-up and costume.  He would not harm her.  She agreed and they were able to successfully shoot the scene.
  No matter what I've been going through in life, there has always been that pinky wiggling to tell me that there's someone who loves me who's in charge of everything.  That way I know that even if I don't understand what's going on, I can trust that it's part of a larger plan that I am blessed to be a part of.
  As much as I don't like being in the Navy, if I wasn't in the Navy, I might have been eating at that Swenson's with my wife.  Some other sailor might have been raising that flag at half-mast in honor of us.

Kenn and Damion Varson

  One day when I was in college, a bunch of us student types drove over to Bisbee, Arizona to stay at the Copper Queen Hotel, which is said to be haunted.  On the counter at the front desk was a registry book in which guests could write in and recount their paranormal encounters.  I read a few pages and found a pattern of people seeing ghostly faces in reflections from TV screens, windows, mirrors and metal surfaces.  That fascinated me to no end and I spent the entire night looking at every reflective surface in our hotel room.  Never saw a dang thing.  That's not the point of this blog.
  Weeks later, back in Tucson, some of my college buddies and I rented some vampire movie to watch one night.  I don't remember the title, but in the movie, the vampire tried to conceal the fact that he didn't have a reflection so that he wouldn't be found out by people.  I thought to myself, he wouldn't have a problem if he just stayed at the Copper Queen Hotel.  That is what sparked an idea in my noggin.
  What if that's how a vampire keeps his secret is by using a ghostly reflection as his own to pass off as human?  I had to think up a plausible scenario to explain such an arrangement between a soulless body and a disembodied soul.  So what if two brothers were walking outside one night and were attacked by a vampire? Okay, so far so good.  Let's say one of them is killed and the other one is turned into a vampire himself.  That's how we can have this non-reflection concealment scheme.  Thus were born the characters of Kenn and Damion Varson who are two of the main characters in my first novel.