Friday, February 11, 2011

She's Gone

  Today, Kayla packed up some stuff, picked up the dog and drove off to Tucson in our car.  I just am not in a healthy place emotionally, spiritually or mentally.  She needs to spend some time away so that she can have some peace in her life.  I understand that.  She left practically everything.  Most of our stuff is still here.  I still have the turtle, but other than that, this isn't a home anymore.  I've unfortunately never been the source of homeness here.  I think, even if she had left the dog, this would still never feel like home without her.
  I'm really glad that at least she's been keeping me updated as to her progress on her cross-country trip.  I told her to call if ever and whenever she needs anything.  I feel so lost and empty right now.  More importantly, she is in a place where she needs to safely bring herself and a small dog all the way across America.  The car needed an oil change, but she wasn't able to get one before she left so that's another added worry for me.  All I want is for her to be safe and happy.  That's what I've always wanted, but right now it's not in my hands how safe or happy she is.
  She keeps texting and calling with various rants and complaints.  I know she has a lot of pent up frustration and emotions to vent out so I listen intently because I know it's the least I can do for her at this time.  We both love each other still, but I know this is for the best.  I know I've never been any help on her spiritual journey and I've not made much progress on mine since we've been together.  We are both completely different people than we were when we met, but still nowhere near whole, healthy or happy.
  I think that trying to keep up a family life was overwhelming for me while I was struggling with inner pain and turmoil.  I unfairly took out my frustrations in ways that would negatively affect her.  All I was trying to do was react to my pain, but I ended up causing her pain in the process.  Now I can seek counselling and get all the help I need without hindering her daily life from having peace and balance.  She has stated that when I return to Tucson in May she'll at least try to stay open to establishing some sort of relationship.  We will be keeping up communication while I'm here too.  I don't know if any of you pray, but if you do, please pray for her to find peace and balance in her life.  I just need to focus on getting myself healthy, then I can treat others in a much more loving and compassionate way.

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