Paranormal Activity

  I saw a commercial that said that brushing alone can't get rid of all plaque so now I always brush my teeth with my wife there with me.  Speaking of commercials, I saw a headache medicine commercial that said that their product works twice as fast!  You had to read the fine print at the bottom of the screen that says "as compared to using nothing at all."  Wow!  When I have a headache it seems like in never goes away.  What's twice as fast as never?  Speaking of medicine, I took some cold medication the other day.  The label on the bottle said that it might make me drowsy and not to operate heavy machinery while on it.  Dammit, I was hungry and a refrigerator is a helluva heavy piece of machinery so I just had to starve until the medicine wore off.
  I'm finally gonna keep my promise and tell you about all the various run-ins I've had with paranormal thangs throughout my lifetime.  When I was twelve I used to see every once in a while, blue or white lights flashing in places where there was no camera or other explainable source of light.
  When I was 17, I woke up one morning an was lying in bed.  Suddenly, I felt a pressure on my chest.  It let up and then came back three times.  During the last bout of chest pressure I heard a laughter at the side of my bed and a voice said, "Pathetic human."  In old cultures, the chest pressure phenomenon was believed to be a demon sitting on your chest.  I've heard from other sources that you experience that sensation when your spirit is coming back into your body from astrally projecting.  I believe that my spirit travels the world while I sleep.  I think that's why I dream so vividly and lucidly.
  In my college years I continued to see those bursts of light like when I was a child.  Occasionally they were accompanied by sound like snapping or clapping.  One night I was hanging out with four other college buddies and three of them saw the light too.  One said it looked like an orange orb appeared in the middle of the room and traveled a few feet before disappearing.
  One morning, I was awakened by the sound of a bird's wings fluttering around my room.  When I looked around, there was nothing there.  Then I heard a dog walking around.  I could hear its tags clinking and hear it breathing.  Of course, there was no dog in the room.
  In that very same house, there was a spot in my bedroom that had a spooky quality.  I found it first when I was on the phone with a friend of mine.  When I walked into a certain part of the room I could hear screaming on the phone.  One voice would be crying and screaming, "No, no, no!" and another would be shouting, "Shut up!  Shut up!"  Both my friend and I could hear it.  I think it was an imprint from the past.  The entire time I lived in that house, every time I was on the phone and I went to that part of the room, I'd hear that EVP.
  Once, in a different apartment I lived in, I was sitting in the living room.  The apartment was on the second floor.  Outside my door, I heard two people walking up the stairs talking to each other.  One said, "Yeah, that guy killed himself in there."  Now I had always felt a presence in the apartment so I opened the door to ask them about it.  There was no one there.
  When I was going out with a girl, I used to spend a lot of time at her parent's house.  I always got a strong sense of a female presence in the house other than my girlfriend and her mother.  I asked her parents about it.  Her dad told me that the previous owner had actually been the great aunt of my then girlfriend.  She had died of a heart attack in that house.
  I moved in with Kayla when we were going to get married.  One night I saw a little blond girl in a white night gown.  She disappeared as I approached her.  Kayla and my step-daughter, Ariah both said they'd seen her plenty of times in that house.
  During my time on the USS Wyoming SSBN 742, I occasionally saw a woman wearing a white dress roaming the passageways.  I heard there was also the ghost of a little girl and a dog that people would see.  The little girl was the daughter of a Navy man.  While the submarine was  being built, she was visiting her father and she fell to her death.  I don't know the story of the woman or the dog.
  One house I lived in here in Georgia had lots of strange goings on.  I was lying in bed one night and I heard what I thought was Kayla coming into the bedroom.  I kept my eyes closed because there was nothing unusual about that so far.  But then she came around the bed right next to me.  I could hear breathing and I opened my eyes, thinking she might want a kiss or to talk or something.  All I could see was a shadow standing at the side of the bed by me.  It leaned over me and I could feel its breath on my cheek as I heard it breathing.  I called out to Kayla.  She was in the living room and she came into the bedroom.  I turned a light on and the shadow disappeared.
  On a different night, I was in the bathroom with the door closed and Kayla was in the living room.  I heard a voice say, "Oh, really."  I opened the door and asked Kayla who she was talking to.  She was about to ask me the same question.  She thought it was me.  The voice had come from somewhere between us.  She also heard it clearly say, "Oh, really."
  On yet another night, I had a run-in with a ghostly canine.  We had a removable gate that we had installed on our bedroom doorway to keep the dog out of the bedroom.  One night after I had gotten up to use the bathroom, I was fumbling around in the dark trying to get back to bed.  I opened the gate and I heard little foot steps walk by me into the room, accompanied by the clinking of collar ID tags.  I closed the gate and reached down to try and grab the dog.  I touched its back.  I could feel the fur, but the dog ran away from me and around the bed.  I searched the entire room and found nothing.  When I went back out to the living room, I saw the dog curled up, sleeping where it had been the whole time.
  There are probably many more stories I'm forgetting about at the moment, but I'll recount them to you as I remember them.  Feel free to tell me your own stories of supernatural experiences.

Sleep With One Eye Open

  Kayla and I just watched a movie on Netflix called Exam.  When you get to the end of the movie, you realize it's just a retelling of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with grown ups.  I mean, geez.  I sat through an hour and a half to see something I've already seen but without a chocolate waterfall?  If any of you out there saw this and have any thoughts, please share them.
  I wanted to talk to you about a phenomenon that I occasionally experience.  I don't really know what to call it so I'll just describe it to you.  I'll be asleep and dreaming but I'll be able to see the room I'm sleeping in because my eyes will be open.  I can move in my dream, but I can't see myself moving.  I can put my hand in front of my face, but not see it.  I can't change the direction that my eyes are facing.
  Usually I'll try to wake myself up by moving around a lot.  I'll be moving in my dream, but my body will remain motionless.  This is called sleep paralysis.  It's a safety mechanism so that you don't act out your dreams.  Only, in this case, I want to act out so that I can wake myself up!
  The coolest time that this happened was only about a month ago.  I was successful in waking myself up, but I was in a different position in my dream than my body actually was.  In my dream I had dragged myself off the bed and I was lying on the carpet on my stomach.  My hand was underneath me with the palm down.  I could wiggle my fingers in my dream and feel the fibers of the carpet.  When I woke up, I could feel the transition between dream and reality.  There was an instantaneous change from carpet to bed sheet because I really was still in bed.  Also, in reality, my hand was under me, but with the palm facing up.  That was the weirdest sensation ever feeling my hand go from palm down to palm up within the span of a second.  Please, if any of you out there have gone through this phenomenon before, let me know.  I'd like to believe I'm not alone on this.

The Furniture Salesman Experience

  I had an uncle once who was born with three legs.  He wanted to be a dancer, but he had three left feet.  Tragically, he got into a car accident and became a quintriplegic (Disclaimer: the preceding anecdote is a complete fabrication for entertainment purposes only!  No three-legged thespian uncles were harmed in the making of that joke.  My sincerest apologies for my insensitivity to any demographic comprised of quintriplegic ex-ballerinas).  Speaking of feet, do you think bats and chimps get Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome?
  Anyway, I wanted to talk about my time as a furniture salesman.  If you're a furniture salesman you might have to drag couches around and get good triceps (unless you're me.  I've got try-harder-ceps and try-again-ceps!).  You might not know what a finial is and sound like a complete dumbass.  You might have to assemble many a dining room set.  You might sell that ugly ass headboard with the horses carved into it because you talk a little girl in a cowgirl outfit into making her mom buy it for her.  You might also sell that ridiculous looking stained-glass night stand because you convince some guy that it goes well with a stained-glass lampshade as a set.  Boy, I was a mean furniture salesman!

The Cashier Experience

  You know, I think I've figured out the answer to the age-old question of what came first, the chicken or the egg?  It was probably the rooster (if the chicken even got to come at all).  I was just in the head and every stall was full.  It was like I was playing a losing hand of Poker.  They had a full house and I was hoping for a flush.  Since there are both military personnel and civilians working in this building, there's a sign in the head that says, "Do not discuss confidential information in this space."  Basically, it means 'don't talk about shit while you're taking a shit or you'll be in deep shit.'
  I wanted to talk about my time as a Petsmart cashier.  If you're a cashier, you might have someone accidentally give you a silver dollar, thinking it's a quarter.  You might acquire an entire set of those flawed Wisconsin quarters that are worth a lot on eBay.  You might have an old lady give you cans of government peaches in gratitude for helping her put her 50 pound bag of dog food in her car.  You might bump into Art Alexakis of the band, Everclear.  You might have a conversation with the actress, Mika Boorem.  You might get four 100% scores in a row from mystery shoppers.  You might have a lady tell you that "God has a plan for your life, or in your case, Buddha."  The best part is getting free training for your dog (not that it made a damn bit of difference, but I love him anyway!).
  Well, I gotta go.  Somewhere out there, there's a leg and a thigh with my name on it (get your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about fried chicken!).

The ________ Experience

  Back when I was in the church I used to pray a lot.  One night I was praying out in the desert.  I started hearing foot steps all around me and rustling in the bushes.  I got up and went into my car.  When I lowered the window I could hear growls and more foot steps and I could see glowing eyes in the bushes.  A ranger jeep drove up behind me and the ranger came out.  He told me I was in the middle of the feeding grounds of a pack of eight mountain lions and it was feeding time.  Shiten me hosen!
  You know that song Mack the Knife?  There's a line that goes, "Now old Mack Heath spends just like a sailor."  Which sailor is that?  Sure as hell ain't me.  Speaking of sailors, Popeye always proudly sings, "I fights to the finish cuz I eats me spinach!"  Well, he never claims to win any fights.  I mean, technically if a dude comes and clocks me a good one and I go down like chump, didn't I fight to the finish?  I guess he was just trying to get little kids to want to eat spinach.  Then along came ET with his damn Reese's Pieces.  You know, if someone can successfully sue McDonalds for making them fat, couldn't I sue ET?  He never warned me that eating Reese's Pieces could make me fat.  I could make millions!
  That's not what I wanted to talk about.  I just had several more fun experiences to share with you:
  The Pizza Delivery Experience
When you deliver pizza, you might make big ass tips.  You might deliver to a big sweaty man who's wearing nothing at all.  You might get attacked by a large family of javelina with nothing but your pizza bag to defend yourself with.  You might deliver to a motel room in which they're shooting a porno film.  Or, best of all, you might call in a request to a radio station and dedicate a song to your wife , then call her to tell her to tune in and listen.
  The Faux Painting Experience
When you're a painter, you might fall off a ladder and have to spend hours cleaning up the mess you just made.  You might paint the house of Sharon Stone, Richard Gere or Lisa Frank.  You might get side jobs and keep all the money for yourself (selfish bastard).  You might have to climb a 30 ft. ladder or go even higher in a JLG.  You might have a drunk foreman steal a construction truck, hit a fire hydrant and drive home, where he is later arrested.  Best of all, you might learn painting techniques which you can use to paint your family's house once you get out of the Navy and settle down.
  The Teacher's Aide Experience
When you're a teacher's aide, you might have to catch snakes.  You might have to watch kids puke a lot.  You might have to open a million ketchup packets in the cafeteria.  You might have to escort a kid to the nurse's office because he has a cactus stuck on his nose.  You might have to measure and cut thousands of yards of butcher paper.  You might have to catch runaway Special Ed kids.  You definitely will smell a lot of farts.  The best part is, you know you're doing something good because the opposite of what you do would be to defile, detest and degrade.
  The Dishwasher Experience
When you are a dishwasher, you might have to clean up puke.  You might inexplicably make tips from someone you spilled hot chocolate on.  You might have customers specially request for you to be the one to mix their milkshake for them.  You might have to mop up the water every time a toilet overflows.  You might have to climb onto the roof when a stove vent gets blocked by a bird's nest.  But best of all, you might get to 86 (get rid of) returned orders....with a fork.

The Karaoke Experience

  I've  been shredding paper all day.  I think the Chinese invented paper.  Thanks a million, y'all!  I did take a break to go to the head.  Nature called and said, "Hey boy, if you value your dignity and your underpants, you'll get your scrawny little ass on a toilet pronto!"  So I did.  I prayed, "Now I sit me down to poo.  I pray the Lord to see me through.  If I die before I wipe.  That's the story of my life."
  I wanted to talk about Karaoke.  It's a very unique experience.  I think the kara in karaoke is the same as the kara in karate.  Karate is the 'way of the empty hand' and karaoke means 'empty orchestra' in Japanese.  But what do I know?  I'm about as Japanese as a ham sammich (my sincerest apologies to any Japanese ham sammiches out there).
  What I do know is that when you karaoke you might make a lot of friends.  You might get song requests.  Girls might offer you sexual favors and guys might offer to buy you drinks (or vice versa).  Bartenders might give you free drinks.  Girls might throw their lacy underthings at you.  You might end up in a threesome.  You might start to get recognized around town at restaurants, grocery stores and shopping malls.  People might want to get their picture taken with you.  Producers might approach you with musical projects.  The coolest thing, though is, you might find the love of your life.
  Throughout my life, four out of every five of my girlfriends I met at karaoke.  I already told you the story of how I met Kayla at karaoke.  One time, when we were at karaoke, a girl started dancing suggestively with me.  I turned around and walked my butt to my wife and hung out with her for the remainder of the song.  That girl got the hint and left me alone.  On the other hand, one time a guy sat in the chair next to my wife.  I grabbed another chair and dragged it loudly across the floor and placed it right between the two of them.  That guy got the hint and left us alone.  People might not naturally assume that a Caucasian chick is with an Asian dude, but she is and she's on me like white on rice.

Did You Know?

  This is probably more than you ever wanted to know about a band that you've probably never heard of.  They're called Living Sacrifice.  Now, you know I'm not religious so why do I like a Christian death metal band?  I'll tell you why.  Their music is intricate and brutal, yet melodic and beautiful.  Their soft drink of choice is Mountain Dew.  If you didn't know, that is most of what Kayla and I drink as well.  They once did a song about the perils of drugs that they dedicated to the memory of Andrew Wood, one of my favorite musicians.  He sang for both Malfunkshun and Mother Love Bone and died of a heroin overdose.
  Living Sacrifice come from Little Rock, Arkansas, which means little to me, but it does mean they don't generally come around to play at places I live, which sucks.  An interesting (to me, anyway) side note is that the drummer for Living Sacrifice went on to drum for Evanescence.  When I took my teenaged daughter to see Evanescence, I got to see him drumming.  Of course, their music is like five times slower than most Living Sacrifice songs,  but I wasn't there for myself, I was there for my girl.
  I've been listening to LS since 1992 when their album, Nonexistent came out.  I think they're still together, but I haven't heard anything new from them in years.  Nonexistent is still my favorite album of theirs.  Another good album from them was the Hammering Process.  The only other Christian metal group I like is called Focal Point.  They only put out one album before they disbanded, but it's a worthy one.  To me they sound somewhere between the Deftones and Hatebreed.  Please share with me some of your musical tastes.