Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The ________ Experience

  Back when I was in the church I used to pray a lot.  One night I was praying out in the desert.  I started hearing foot steps all around me and rustling in the bushes.  I got up and went into my car.  When I lowered the window I could hear growls and more foot steps and I could see glowing eyes in the bushes.  A ranger jeep drove up behind me and the ranger came out.  He told me I was in the middle of the feeding grounds of a pack of eight mountain lions and it was feeding time.  Shiten me hosen!
  You know that song Mack the Knife?  There's a line that goes, "Now old Mack Heath spends just like a sailor."  Which sailor is that?  Sure as hell ain't me.  Speaking of sailors, Popeye always proudly sings, "I fights to the finish cuz I eats me spinach!"  Well, he never claims to win any fights.  I mean, technically if a dude comes and clocks me a good one and I go down like chump, didn't I fight to the finish?  I guess he was just trying to get little kids to want to eat spinach.  Then along came ET with his damn Reese's Pieces.  You know, if someone can successfully sue McDonalds for making them fat, couldn't I sue ET?  He never warned me that eating Reese's Pieces could make me fat.  I could make millions!
  That's not what I wanted to talk about.  I just had several more fun experiences to share with you:
  The Pizza Delivery Experience
When you deliver pizza, you might make big ass tips.  You might deliver to a big sweaty man who's wearing nothing at all.  You might get attacked by a large family of javelina with nothing but your pizza bag to defend yourself with.  You might deliver to a motel room in which they're shooting a porno film.  Or, best of all, you might call in a request to a radio station and dedicate a song to your wife , then call her to tell her to tune in and listen.
  The Faux Painting Experience
When you're a painter, you might fall off a ladder and have to spend hours cleaning up the mess you just made.  You might paint the house of Sharon Stone, Richard Gere or Lisa Frank.  You might get side jobs and keep all the money for yourself (selfish bastard).  You might have to climb a 30 ft. ladder or go even higher in a JLG.  You might have a drunk foreman steal a construction truck, hit a fire hydrant and drive home, where he is later arrested.  Best of all, you might learn painting techniques which you can use to paint your family's house once you get out of the Navy and settle down.
  The Teacher's Aide Experience
When you're a teacher's aide, you might have to catch snakes.  You might have to watch kids puke a lot.  You might have to open a million ketchup packets in the cafeteria.  You might have to escort a kid to the nurse's office because he has a cactus stuck on his nose.  You might have to measure and cut thousands of yards of butcher paper.  You might have to catch runaway Special Ed kids.  You definitely will smell a lot of farts.  The best part is, you know you're doing something good because the opposite of what you do would be to defile, detest and degrade.
  The Dishwasher Experience
When you are a dishwasher, you might have to clean up puke.  You might inexplicably make tips from someone you spilled hot chocolate on.  You might have customers specially request for you to be the one to mix their milkshake for them.  You might have to mop up the water every time a toilet overflows.  You might have to climb onto the roof when a stove vent gets blocked by a bird's nest.  But best of all, you might get to 86 (get rid of) returned orders....with a fork.

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