Friday, June 7, 2013

Just A Thought

  It has come to my attention that I cannot become spiritually healthy until I can hold in my mind every moment of every day that I am spiritually broken.  I asked myself how anyone can hold anything in mind every moment of any day.  With that in mind, I started reading 'Conversations With God' again.  One of the first things that is said in the book is about communicating with God and how he tries to get through to us.  He said that he uses feelings first.  Then he uses thought and experience.  The last thing he uses is words.  Words are the least effective purveyor of truth.  I asked myself, how can I hold my brokenness in mind at all times.  The answer came to me that I will only be able to when I care.  I asked myself, how do I start to care?  The answer came to me that I will only start to care when I care to.
  That's when it slowly started to dawn on me what it is that people care about.  Firemen will have fire prevention and firefighting on their minds all day, every day.  That is who they are and so that is what they care about and so that is what they think about.  In order to think about spiritual brokenness, I need to care about spiritual health.  In order to care about spiritual health, I need to be a spiritual person.  I only view my world through thought and words.  I'm not usually in touch with my feelings.  I definitely don't pay attention to my experiences in a way that is beneficial.
  If God is trying to communicate with me in many different ways, I need to listen to him in all those ways and not just a couple of them.  I need to explore my feelings about everything and truly open myself up to experiencing things with all of my being.  The Bible says to love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.  If I'm only loving him with my mind, then I can't be fully loving him.  I will be a spiritual being when I am feeding my spirit everything it's missing out on.  My spirit thirsts to experience everything fully.  That means not only my five physical senses, but the sixth sense and all my thoughts and feelings about my experiences.
  Even a baby is more in touch with their bodies than I am.  They cry when they're hungry, thirsty or uncomfortable in some way. I am missing out on so much of the world around me that I am denying myself the good things in life and allowing myself to continue living with the bad things in life.  Now, of course, I mean good and bad by my opinions on any given experience, not some generalization that's supposed to hold true for everyone.  I have given up fighting to have things that make me happy.  Where's my crying to be fed, so to speak?
  A big part of my problem is that I'm willing to do anything that's expected of me.  I say "yes" with my mouth, but as soon as I start to do something, you can see if my actions reflect an inner "no".  By this I mean, I am more likely to fail at any particular objective if I'm not putting my heart into it.  I will only do well at things I'm good at, care about or am confident in.  I need to know myself well enough to know what I'm good at, care about or am confident in or else I will never know why I fail at some things.  I need to find my inner "no".  If I can say "no" to the things that I don't desire to do, I will not just work in vain and feel like a disappointment to myself and to others.  Even so, with that being said, there might be things I'm not necessarily good at that I might choose to take on as a challenge.  I am much less likely to fail if I have confidence in myself even if I've never done something before.  My confidence should not come from my success, but my success should come from my confidence.
  'Conversations With God' by Neale Donald Walsch says that you cannot experience yourself as being loving until you have first experienced yourself as being not loving.  What this tells me is that I must own up to my faults.  Often I sugar coat them or try to downplay them.  I try to see myself as loving by seeing myself as not unloving.  I have it backwards.  That's why I have such trouble loving myself.  I have never truly experienced myself as unloving.  I have some excuse for every unloving deed I've ever done.  This will never get me to a place where I can know myself from the inside out.  I lie to myself when I turn a blind eye to my short-comings.  Once I have embraced my true nature, I can know myself well enough to make a choice as to whether I will be loving or unloving.  I can't make that choice if I don't even acknowledge what is unloving about the things I say or do in day to day situations.  It's like I'm blind, holding a bucket of red paint and thinking I'm painting my house green.

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