The Beauty Of It All

  Not being able to have any contact with my wife, I've had to do a lot of things by myself lately.  Last night at the laundromat, I had a lot of time to read while waiting for my clothes.  I've been reading Friendship With God by Neale Donald Walsch.  I don't think it's any accident that I'm reading these particular chapters at this particular time.  Neale specifically asks God how you can find joy in situations where you find yourself alone.  God tells him that you are never alone.  You always have God with you.
  Joy comes from being able to express your true inner being.  He said that your heart is the bridge between your soul and your mind.  When you, for whatever reason, keep from expressing yourself, you restrict the freedom of the soul to connect with others.  It is connection that brings the highest joy to both parties involved.  Fear, inhibition, shyness, self-loathing can all get in the way of connecting with others.  When you're alone, you can just sit still and connect with God.  Since we are all one, you are connecting with everyone when you connect with God.
  That's where I'm at right now.  I've found many opportunities lately to connect with God.  My mantra is 'I am love'.  This very blog is an expression of love from me to you, my readers.  You see, when I hear a Garth Brooks song or a Hatebreed song, I hear love being expressed in different ways.  I cry when I hear 'The Wolves' by Garth Brooks, but I also cry when I hear 'You're Never Alone' by Hatebreed.
  I cried when Andrew Wood (Mother Love Bone), Paul Gray (Slipknot) and Mr. Rogers died.  And it wasn't because I want them back or can't live without them.  It was because they each had found joy in expressing themselves to the world without shame, inhibition or selfish ambition.  They loved what they did and it shows.  I envy that pure joy of living that they each had.
  I cried when Charlie Bucket gave Willy Wonka back the Everlasting Gobstopper, when Han Solo shot Darth Vader's TIE fighter out of the sky, when Ben Stiller lifted the headphone from Mary's brother's ear and when three of Charlotte's offspring stayed in the barn with Wilbur.  All expressions of love.

Know Thyself

  I always seem to fall into the trap of hating myself the more I get to know myself.  I'm trying to get to a place where I can love myself, but that will take getting to know myself.  I've never been honest with myself about what's really going on inside.  I guess if I look at the examples of my parents and my aunt, I can see that they weren't being honest with themselves either.  They thought one thing while doing another.  Outwardly their acts looked bad, but they were in a place where they thought they were doing the greatest good.  My life has kind of mirrored that.
  Once, I helped a crack-addicted man become clean through the sheer power of prayer, faith and friendship.  I helped a single mother to understand the power of prayer and faith so that she could feel the inner strength she needed to raise her baby alone while working full time and going to school.  I helped a homeless man by letting him shower and shave at my house.  I bought him new clothes and helped him get a job interview.  But all this time, my only goal was to feel better about myself.  If only those people knew the true monster that exists within me, they would have cursed the day I was born.  As it is, they're living a lie perpetuated by my guise of altruism.  I tell these stories, not to stroke my ego, but to illustrate to you the depth of my ugliness.
  Honesty with oneself as well as with others is a virtue.  Someone associated with my wife used to hold his children's heads underwater to see how long they could hold their breath.  I'm deliberately being vague about the specifics of this individual since my wife never pressed charges against him for any of these incidences.  He would randomly trip his son with no prior warning or reason.  He often hit his son with the bill of his baseball cap.  He would also occasionally smash his son's head down onto a counter top as a disciplinary measure.  He is an asshole and he knows it.  He's proud of it.  He's honest with himself and with others.  I only wish I had that admirable level of honesty about who I am on the inside.
  It's only once you fully know yourself that you can change anything about yourself.  I often fool myself into thinking I'm a good person.  That's my problem.  I try to change, but I don't even know what it is I'm changing from so I have no idea how to start to change into something else.  It's almost as if I'm trying to paint my tail purple without even realizing that I have no tail.
  The biggest problem is that I mistakenly believe that there's nothing I have to change about myself.  Then, the second biggest problem is that when I find out something bad about myself, I get down in the dumps and stop believing that I have the power to change myself.  The chaplain I spoke with said something that struck me as wise.  He said that he lives by three guiding principles: 1. I'm not right about everything.  2. That means there's something I'm wrong about.  3. I don't know what it is I'm wrong about.  With that attitude, he views the world with an open mind.  He looks at everything with the mindset that it can teach him something about himself, good or bad.  I need to take on that attitude.  It's refreshingly honest, humble and healthy.

Egobrain

  I can trace back this worthlessness I feel all the way back to 3 or 4 years old.  When my parents were busy with my younger sister, the microwave beeped in the kitchen.  The three of  them were in the bathroom so I went to pull out whatever was done cooking.  I grabbed a chair so I could reach the door.  It was a large bowl of chicken soup.  I started to pull it out, but the bowl was too hot for my delicate little fingers so I dropped it all over myself.  The bowl shattered on the floor.  Through all my agonizing torture, all I could think of was that I'd be in trouble for breaking the bowl.  As soon as my parents came to see what all the commotion was about, I was apologizing profusely  in order to try and avoid a spanking.
  I don't know how the feeling of worthlessness started, but during my formative years, there were plenty of things that didn't help me to feel any more worthy.  I noticed that any time my sister would cry she'd only get in bigger trouble until she stopped crying.  The conclusion I drew from that is that crying is a bad thing and so was expressing your feelings.  I also gathered from that that listening to my parents or anyone of authority was the only way to avoid getting in trouble.
  One day, my sister was crying so hard that my mother was furious.  My sister wanted to leave and have different parents.  My mother told her that she could get new parents at K Mart.  My sister stormed out the door and started walking down the road.  I couldn't stand the thought of losing her so I ran out crying and begged her not to leave.  I threw my arms around her and just held on.  My parents got such a kick out of that they were laughing and laughing at us.  From that I gathered that loving my sister (or anyone) was a bad thing and especially expressing that love or any feelings at all.  In fact, I felt that having feelings would only get me ridiculed and belittled.
  I was in kindergarten at that time and there was a neighbor I went to school with, named Rachel.  I got my first kiss from Rachel.  She said I was her boyfriend.  I finally felt that someone valued me.  But when we were at school, she would act as if she didn't know me, especially when she was around her friends.  I was so confused, but she did still want to kiss me when no one was around.
  Around that time, there was a neighborhood boy who used to gather a bunch of us younger boys and bring us to his house.  He made us get into sexual positions with each other.  He got a kick out of watching us do these things that I didn't understand at the time.  I didn't know it was wrong or bad.  When I casually mentioned it to my parents, they told me I shouldn't go to his house anymore.  I didn't, but who knows how many other boys still did?
  It was also around that time that my sister and I were left alone in the family car one day.  The car was at street level and there was a short down hill slope that led to our house.  I'm not sure how it happened, but the car started rolling down that hill toward the house.  The passenger-side signal light smashed into the corner of the house.  The friction from that impact slowed the car gradually enough that neither of us was injured.  We were not in seat belts.  I was sitting in the driver's seat and my sister was in the back.
  There was another time when she and I were left alone in the car while my parents went shopping for some food during a cross-country trip.  My sister was crying because she wanted to be with them.  I tried to keep her in the car because that's what my dad told me to do.  She was so insistent that there was nothing I could do to stop her.  I couldn't leave the car unattended so I stayed in it while she wandered through the busy parking lot and into the store.  I got in huge trouble for that.  I was supposed to keep her in the car.  What if she had gotten hurt or kidnapped?  My dad yelled at me quite a bit for that one.
  My mom never felt the need to explain any of her reasons for anything.  Her answer to any question was, "Because I'm Mommy!"  I quickly learned to stop asking questions.  As a matter of fact, I stopped thinking of questions.  I stopped thinking all together.  I would just follow whatever it was my mom, dad, teacher, preacher or chief would say.
  The point I'm getting to is that I have never found myself.  All I've found is a false sense of self-worth brought about from the manipulations of my ego.  If there was anyone that I could get to like me, feel sorry for me, help me, do something for me, give something to me or even love me, my ego was stroked.  I didn't value that person as a person, but as an ego stroker.  Everyone in my life has either been an ego stroker or inconsequential to me.  There have been so many people who have genuinely wanted a friendship or some other relationship with me, but I've kept them all at bay.  I've only taken from them what my ego wanted to extract, then I was on to the next one.
  I've never given myself anything real.  I've never known how to accept or cherish anything real that anyone else would try to give to me and of course, I've never given anyone anything real.  Kayla has a true, deep, beautiful love to give me, but all I've done is take and take ego strokings from her.  Now that she is in a place where she can't be around me without fear, I find that it's more than just ego strokings I want from her.  I long to let the real her in like I've never let anyone in before.  I long to give myself to her completely and hold nothing back.  She always talks about incorporating someone's preferences and identity into your realm of experience so that you can share their fun times, their tragedies, their triumphs and their love.  I would love to incorporate her likes, dislikes and deepest desires into my experience so that I can finally truly be at one with her in every way possible.
  I'm trying to get to a place where I do more than just know intellectually that we as people are all one, not only with each other, but with God.  That is what Kayla believes and lives by and what I know in my head.  She believes that God wants to experience everything through us.  We are His eyes, ears, fingers, etc.  What's more than that, we are God.  Before we come into the body, we pick out our race, gender, parents, life circumstances and a lot of other things.  There is no such thing as right and wrong, those are just judgments.  Everything that happens is perfect.  We chose for it to happen so that we can experience it.  Nothing happens by accident or coincidence.
  Once I come to a place where I truly, deeply believe this to the core of my being, I will be able to let go of the anger, resentment, hollowness, worthlessness, judgment, hatred, emptiness, self-loathing and ego stroking.  I will genuinely let people in and care about them.  I will love myself.  I will love everybody.  I will treat Kayla like the special, beautiful, amazing person she deserves to be treated like.

Not Well

  After my last blog I called the base Chaplain and set up a time to meet with him.  He wasn't busy at the time so I went in to see him.  I told him what was going on between Kayla and me.  He told me that in times like this, there were some options to try to help the situation.  He said that we could call my command and do what is called a Military Protection Order (MPO).  What that is is an order that I can have no contact with my wife for a period of anywhere from 72 hours to a month, depending on the circumstances.  During that time, we would go to marriage counselling with him and I would stay at a room in the barracks.
  First, Kayla had to agree to the arrangement.  At that time, her plan was to leave as soon as I got back from work.  With this plan she would be able to stay at our home.  The Chaplain called her up.  I was on pins and needles wondering what her reaction would be.  She agreed to go to marriage counselling and my heart leaped.  It's a glimmer of hope.  I have no idea what's going to happen, but I'm glad she's willing to give it a shot.  Of course, I only want what will be best for all involved, not just myself.  Thank God she's at least willing to talk.  It is a blessing that I will not take for granted.
  I think that's what's been going on.  I've taken her for granted.  I thought she'd always be there.  I allowed myself to become complacent, selfish, boring, angry, unloving and even hurtful.  At this point I'd be willing to unselfishly do anything to make sure that my family can be happy and healthy.  If that means they have to get away from me, that's what I'm willing to give them.
  As for me, I went through the whole rig-a-ma-role of checking into the barracks.  I was escorted by my chief to my apartment to gather up some clothes and stuff.  I made up my bed in the barracks room, then microwaved some ramen noodles and ate them.  I couldn't stand being alone there so I came here to the Liberty Center to get online.
  Normally this would be our time together.  Family time.  Happy time.  Last night Kayla and I were right here at the Liberty Center playing pool.  We shared lots of laughs.  What I wouldn't do to have that back.  All the things she complained about us not doing together would be a pleasure to do if it meant I could be with her again.  Karaoke, writing and recording music at home or even just singing together in the car.
  I can't imagine what she's going through.  This must be so hard on her.  The dog too.  He's used to having daddy at home.  He is only truly happy when we're all together, as long as we're not fighting.  I feel so empty and like there's a tremendous weight on me.  At different times today I've felt dizzy, light-headed, nauseated and tired.  I've had stomach cramps, diarrhea and no appetite.  I had to force myself to eat because I know I need to.  Kayla would want me to be healthy even if we're not together.  It was to honor her loving heart and also to try to love myself that I ate.  I need to start by learning to love myself, then I can love others.  Easier said than done.  It's precisely because I wouldn't naturally take care of myself that I don't think to take care of others.  I'm so unhealthy for myself and everyone right now.  I have to believe that I have the power to change that about myself.  I don't know how to do that.

Physical Abuse

  This blog is not about my parents.  It's not about anything in my past.  This blog is about me and my wife.  When we argue, I do not control myself and I have been physically abusive.  She is afraid for herself and our dog.  She's at the point where she wants to leave me.  When I get home from work today, she wants to take the car to a shelter or a motel or somewhere she and the dog can be safe from me.  I'm writing this from my computer at work and she's at home presumably packing.  I don't know what to do.  I'm so lost and confused.  I hate when I get this way.  I know I'm the one in control, but it's difficult.  She says it's me ego that gets in the way.  She never knows what's going to set me off.  This is a story from the perspective of the abuser.  I know only I can help myself, but I'm asking you if you know anything that I can use to help myself.  I'd be bawling my eyes out if I wasn't at work.  I still might anyway.  She's done trying to help me.  She deserves better than to have to live in fear.  When it's gotten really bad before, she's gone to the neighbors for help.  Today she did that.  The neighbors can't help me.  They can help her feel safe, but she hates having to impose on them.  I have so much anger in me.  I don't know what to do.  I'm trying to get a full psychological evaluation done by my psychologist, but she's being aloof.  Besides, an evaluation will probably only lead to more pills, which is also not the answer.  The only way the problem can go away for good is for the strength to come from inside me and me alone.  I just don't know how to find that strength.  I love her so much, but that means nothing right now.  No one ever has the right to lay a hand on anyone else in anger.  No one deserves to be physically abused.  Knowing that hasn't helped me stop.  I told her I'd like to be able to get away from myself as easily as she can get away from me.  I'd love to take the good side of me and her and our dog away from the bad side of me.  She said that fantasies will get me nowhere.  Only dealing with reality will change me.  The other night, we had cops crawling all over our place after an argument of ours.  They questioned our neighbors and everything.  Kayla chose not to press charges, but I know she regrets that now.  She might be safe while I'm in jail.  If the military knew about my violent tendencies, I'd either go to Captain's mast, court martial, the brig or dishonorable discharge and prison.  I don't know how it's gotten this bad.  I'm so scared, sad, angry and empty.  I know she needs help.  Please go to her blog and give her your support.  She needs to feel loved and safe right now.  Even if I never get what I need, I hope she's able to get what she needs.

Antidisestablishmentarianismistically Challenged

  If I had a nickel every time I was supposed to have a dime, I'd be twice as poor right now (or half as rich, whichever is the glass-half-full way of looking at it).  I was down to two boxes of shred left to do when one of the office ladies brought me three more and the mail room gave me some as well.  Oh well, it's better than making Nikes for Kathy Lee Gifford.  Give me a shredder and a taco and I can do anything.  Of course, I could do it without the taco, but what fun would that be?
  Yes we have a separation of church and state, but what about temple and state, mosque and state or Star Trek convention and state?  Actually, I'm kinda glad for the latter.  Could you imagine President Jean Luc Picard or Secretary of State Odo?  But seriously, folks, I think it's a good thing that we keep our affairs of state and our spirituality separate.  That goes along with the very healthy policy of freedom of religion.
  I don't know shit about politics, but I guess I'm just glad we're not forced to practice any particular religion.  Did you know in China you could be killed just for following Falun Dafa?  I know what you're thinking: who the fuck is Falun Dafa?  Shit, I don't know.  My only point is, he or she might be kinda cool.  I have no idea.  But if I wanted to follow this particular deity, it feels good to know that in this country I'd be able to.  Them damn Chinese also persecute Tibet.  If I want to seek the wisdom of a dolly or a llama, I'm glad I can do it here.  By the way, if anyone ever happens to ask you what the longest word in the English language is, don't you go quoting the title of this blog.  I just made that shit up.

Selflessness

  I went to a local computer services company called It's All Geek To Us because I found out they work on laptops.  I had previously gone to the Geek Squad at Best Buy.  They said the laptop was broken, but that they could extract the data off the hard drive for $99.  This local company I went to gave me the data from my laptop and made up some business cards for Kayla and me for a very reasonable price compared to others!  Now we have some cards to give to people to advertise our band and our blogs.
  This morning I was thinking about my aunt who used to be my favorite person in the world.  Going to her house for the summer was the highlight of every year of my childhood.  It was there that I felt loved for who I am.  That's why it came as such a blow when I found out I was just a pawn in her sibling rivalry with my mother.  She loved the fact that I preferred her to my own mother.
  Kayla said that there was probably times when she really did things just for me.  I said that I would try to think of times that she and my parents acted selflessly toward me.  Kayla told me that if I needed that to be happy then I might never find happiness.  Truly selfless acts are hard to find in this world.
  What I should be doing instead of looking for what they did right is stop judging what they did wrong.  If I can look back on my own life and see the ugliness of my motives in everything I've done, I should understand that they are human just like me.  In their minds they were loving me the best way they knew how just like I have been loving Kayla and my family the best way I know how.  It's just that I've been shown a way to open my eyes to my own ugliness that I have this wonderful opportunity to change and grow.
  I need to have the patience to recognize that they haven't had an opportunity like I have.  If they did, they might move toward a more pure love, but that doesn't mean that they haven't been giving me love to the best of their abilities.  I'm in the same boat so I can't judge, just continue loving them.  There's not even anything to forgive because they've never meant me any harm just like I've never meant Kayla and my family any harm.
  People always do the best they know how according to their view of the world.  When a better way presents itself, they change their model of the world and can now do something different.  We always strive to be the highest self they can imagine.  Our observation of the world helps us to stretch our imagination to new heights and love helps us to apply that new insight to ever higher levels of selflessness and love.  That's what humanity is all about.  No one should judge anyone because we're all on different paths on different time lines.  It's not up to me to expect better of anyone.  I can only make sure that I don't get hurt by anyone. I'm not better than anyone.  I'm only responsible for myself and my reactions to what others do to me according to their current model of the world.
  I have a lot of nervous habits like biting my fingers, scratching myself, cracking my knuckles and chewing my inner cheeks.  I believe that once I've let go of my expectations of people and love them enough to need nothing from them, then I won't need those nervous tics anymore.  I also need to stop hating God.  Need and expectation are signs of someone who doesn't feel whole inside.  Only love makes you whole.  Love takes away need, expectation, selfishness, greed and the desire to feel better than people and judge them if they don't live up to your expectations.