Tuesday, February 1, 2011


  I went to a local computer services company called It's All Geek To Us because I found out they work on laptops.  I had previously gone to the Geek Squad at Best Buy.  They said the laptop was broken, but that they could extract the data off the hard drive for $99.  This local company I went to gave me the data from my laptop and made up some business cards for Kayla and me for a very reasonable price compared to others!  Now we have some cards to give to people to advertise our band and our blogs.
  This morning I was thinking about my aunt who used to be my favorite person in the world.  Going to her house for the summer was the highlight of every year of my childhood.  It was there that I felt loved for who I am.  That's why it came as such a blow when I found out I was just a pawn in her sibling rivalry with my mother.  She loved the fact that I preferred her to my own mother.
  Kayla said that there was probably times when she really did things just for me.  I said that I would try to think of times that she and my parents acted selflessly toward me.  Kayla told me that if I needed that to be happy then I might never find happiness.  Truly selfless acts are hard to find in this world.
  What I should be doing instead of looking for what they did right is stop judging what they did wrong.  If I can look back on my own life and see the ugliness of my motives in everything I've done, I should understand that they are human just like me.  In their minds they were loving me the best way they knew how just like I have been loving Kayla and my family the best way I know how.  It's just that I've been shown a way to open my eyes to my own ugliness that I have this wonderful opportunity to change and grow.
  I need to have the patience to recognize that they haven't had an opportunity like I have.  If they did, they might move toward a more pure love, but that doesn't mean that they haven't been giving me love to the best of their abilities.  I'm in the same boat so I can't judge, just continue loving them.  There's not even anything to forgive because they've never meant me any harm just like I've never meant Kayla and my family any harm.
  People always do the best they know how according to their view of the world.  When a better way presents itself, they change their model of the world and can now do something different.  We always strive to be the highest self they can imagine.  Our observation of the world helps us to stretch our imagination to new heights and love helps us to apply that new insight to ever higher levels of selflessness and love.  That's what humanity is all about.  No one should judge anyone because we're all on different paths on different time lines.  It's not up to me to expect better of anyone.  I can only make sure that I don't get hurt by anyone. I'm not better than anyone.  I'm only responsible for myself and my reactions to what others do to me according to their current model of the world.
  I have a lot of nervous habits like biting my fingers, scratching myself, cracking my knuckles and chewing my inner cheeks.  I believe that once I've let go of my expectations of people and love them enough to need nothing from them, then I won't need those nervous tics anymore.  I also need to stop hating God.  Need and expectation are signs of someone who doesn't feel whole inside.  Only love makes you whole.  Love takes away need, expectation, selfishness, greed and the desire to feel better than people and judge them if they don't live up to your expectations.

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