Physical Abuse

  This blog is not about my parents.  It's not about anything in my past.  This blog is about me and my wife.  When we argue, I do not control myself and I have been physically abusive.  She is afraid for herself and our dog.  She's at the point where she wants to leave me.  When I get home from work today, she wants to take the car to a shelter or a motel or somewhere she and the dog can be safe from me.  I'm writing this from my computer at work and she's at home presumably packing.  I don't know what to do.  I'm so lost and confused.  I hate when I get this way.  I know I'm the one in control, but it's difficult.  She says it's me ego that gets in the way.  She never knows what's going to set me off.  This is a story from the perspective of the abuser.  I know only I can help myself, but I'm asking you if you know anything that I can use to help myself.  I'd be bawling my eyes out if I wasn't at work.  I still might anyway.  She's done trying to help me.  She deserves better than to have to live in fear.  When it's gotten really bad before, she's gone to the neighbors for help.  Today she did that.  The neighbors can't help me.  They can help her feel safe, but she hates having to impose on them.  I have so much anger in me.  I don't know what to do.  I'm trying to get a full psychological evaluation done by my psychologist, but she's being aloof.  Besides, an evaluation will probably only lead to more pills, which is also not the answer.  The only way the problem can go away for good is for the strength to come from inside me and me alone.  I just don't know how to find that strength.  I love her so much, but that means nothing right now.  No one ever has the right to lay a hand on anyone else in anger.  No one deserves to be physically abused.  Knowing that hasn't helped me stop.  I told her I'd like to be able to get away from myself as easily as she can get away from me.  I'd love to take the good side of me and her and our dog away from the bad side of me.  She said that fantasies will get me nowhere.  Only dealing with reality will change me.  The other night, we had cops crawling all over our place after an argument of ours.  They questioned our neighbors and everything.  Kayla chose not to press charges, but I know she regrets that now.  She might be safe while I'm in jail.  If the military knew about my violent tendencies, I'd either go to Captain's mast, court martial, the brig or dishonorable discharge and prison.  I don't know how it's gotten this bad.  I'm so scared, sad, angry and empty.  I know she needs help.  Please go to her blog and give her your support.  She needs to feel loved and safe right now.  Even if I never get what I need, I hope she's able to get what she needs.