Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Not Well

  After my last blog I called the base Chaplain and set up a time to meet with him.  He wasn't busy at the time so I went in to see him.  I told him what was going on between Kayla and me.  He told me that in times like this, there were some options to try to help the situation.  He said that we could call my command and do what is called a Military Protection Order (MPO).  What that is is an order that I can have no contact with my wife for a period of anywhere from 72 hours to a month, depending on the circumstances.  During that time, we would go to marriage counselling with him and I would stay at a room in the barracks.
  First, Kayla had to agree to the arrangement.  At that time, her plan was to leave as soon as I got back from work.  With this plan she would be able to stay at our home.  The Chaplain called her up.  I was on pins and needles wondering what her reaction would be.  She agreed to go to marriage counselling and my heart leaped.  It's a glimmer of hope.  I have no idea what's going to happen, but I'm glad she's willing to give it a shot.  Of course, I only want what will be best for all involved, not just myself.  Thank God she's at least willing to talk.  It is a blessing that I will not take for granted.
  I think that's what's been going on.  I've taken her for granted.  I thought she'd always be there.  I allowed myself to become complacent, selfish, boring, angry, unloving and even hurtful.  At this point I'd be willing to unselfishly do anything to make sure that my family can be happy and healthy.  If that means they have to get away from me, that's what I'm willing to give them.
  As for me, I went through the whole rig-a-ma-role of checking into the barracks.  I was escorted by my chief to my apartment to gather up some clothes and stuff.  I made up my bed in the barracks room, then microwaved some ramen noodles and ate them.  I couldn't stand being alone there so I came here to the Liberty Center to get online.
  Normally this would be our time together.  Family time.  Happy time.  Last night Kayla and I were right here at the Liberty Center playing pool.  We shared lots of laughs.  What I wouldn't do to have that back.  All the things she complained about us not doing together would be a pleasure to do if it meant I could be with her again.  Karaoke, writing and recording music at home or even just singing together in the car.
  I can't imagine what she's going through.  This must be so hard on her.  The dog too.  He's used to having daddy at home.  He is only truly happy when we're all together, as long as we're not fighting.  I feel so empty and like there's a tremendous weight on me.  At different times today I've felt dizzy, light-headed, nauseated and tired.  I've had stomach cramps, diarrhea and no appetite.  I had to force myself to eat because I know I need to.  Kayla would want me to be healthy even if we're not together.  It was to honor her loving heart and also to try to love myself that I ate.  I need to start by learning to love myself, then I can love others.  Easier said than done.  It's precisely because I wouldn't naturally take care of myself that I don't think to take care of others.  I'm so unhealthy for myself and everyone right now.  I have to believe that I have the power to change that about myself.  I don't know how to do that.

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