My 100th Blog!

  Who knew I had that much shit to write?  Got a three-day weekend kickin' off right now.  I just put out chapter 16 of the Nocent and on my day off Monday, I'll put out chapter 17.  On Tuesday I need to go to Jacksonville to take a psychological evaluation.  I'm well on the road to recovery!  Wednesday I have another appointment with my psychologist.  Soon, my friends, I will be on medication.
  From reading up on bipolar disorder, I see that a lot of bipolar people self-medicate using alcohol as a downer, cocaine as an upper and marijuana as a mood stabilizer.  They may also be very sexually active due to the hyper libido associated with this condition.  Growing up, since I didn't drink, do drugs or lose my virginity until the age of 27, I used Mountain Dew as an upper, Rosy Palms as a downer and karaoke as a mood stabilizer of my own choosing.
  I guess fried chicken could count as a mood stabilizer too.  You know, now that I think about it, rice and noodles could count as uppers because they are carbohydrates which the body absorbs as sugars.  Somewhere out there, a dietitian is pulling his hair out saying, "What the hell?"  Looking at it this way, I guess just being Chinese is a self-medication for bipolar disorder in and of itself.  Certainly, having Asian parents was downer enough to cure even the most manic episodes.
  My psychologist says that most people think linearly.  He compared it to looking in a filing cabinet.  A topic is brought up so they access the appropriate drawer, look in the proper folder, flip to the right document, peruse the correct paragraph and hit upon the desired sentence.  A person who is bipolar will have a topic brought up and will immediately have several filing cabinets pop up in their mind which each have some tangential connection to the topic at hand.  It's anybody's guess which one will come out of the person's mouth.  When I was in line at the bank, I almost turned to the guy behind me and asked a riddle: Q: "What did the bipolar Chinese guy say to the man behind him in line at the bank?"  A: "I don't know, but we'll both soon find out."  The poor guy has no idea how close I was.
 

Hunter's Chicken

  When I saw Alien vs. Predator I laughed my head off at the scene where the European dude is describing the Hunter's Moon.  Something about cacciatore luna or whatever.  I was like, "Dude, if cacciatore means 'hunter' then Chicken Cacciatore means 'hunter's chicken'!"  Boy, I get amusement out of the strangest things.
  Speaking of food, one of the most beautiful commercials I ever was was for Crisco Oil.  In it, there was a family who was enjoying some time together at home.  They conversed, laughed and ate together in the background while a female voice-over extolled the virtues of the product.  The beauty part of it was that one of the children appeared to have Down's Syndrome, but not a single word of this was mentioned.  This was just a normal family like in a Norman Rockwell painting.  Makes me wanna cry just writing about it.  Maybe one of these days I can be a well-rounded, law-abiding, tax-paying citizen who contributes to society in a positive way.  Well, okay, I do already pay taxes, but you know what I mean.  Crisco gives me something to dream about, believe in and work for.

Rock and/or Roll

  I watched a documentary on Netflix called Heavy Metal in Baghdad.  I had almost rented it several times from Blockbuster before we had Netflix, but there was always something else that caught my eye.  It was always one for which I said, "One of these days..."  Well, yesterday was one of those days and boy was it worth the wait!  Yes, it's a documentary about a band, but it gives one of the most nitty gritty, honest portrayals of life in Baghdad with no media bullshit in the way.  The band really is good too.
  I can't wait to get started on some medication for my bipolar disorder!  Today I got a Netflix video in the mail.  It was a Mushroomhead documentary.  I think I laughed through the whole thing!  Yes, they're a serious metal band with wicked awesome music, but they also know how to have fun.  Almost every scene was packed with them being silly, goofy, drunk, laughing or tearing down the house with their live shows.  There were also three music videos and lots of DVD extras including hilarious deleted scenes and behind the scenes of the making of their video.
  By the way I found out one of my aunts in Tucson has some yogurt store called By The Ounce.  Apparently you grab a cup, put some yogurt in it, throw on some toppings and pay for it by the ounce.  Ha ha, you see that clever marketing strategy in the name and everything?  I went to the website, btoyogurt.com, and the place looks so immaculate and modern.  Notice I didn't include any adjectives which would indicate an opinion one way or the other whether or not I'd wanna go there.

It's All Starting To Fit Together

  Over the years I've had so many theories as to what is wrong with me.  At different times, I thought I had a borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorder, clinical depression, hypoglycemia, OCD, ADD, ADHD, HDTV, PTSD, AC/DC and even sleep apnea!  I mean, shit, is there anything I didn't think I had?  None of it made as much sense as bipolar disorder does, the more I find out about it.  The doc gave me a questionnaire which I filled out.  We'll discuss it next time we have a session.  He also gave me a book called, 'Bipolar: The Elements of Bipolar Disorder' by Dr. Jay Carter.
  What I've found out is that most of what I hate about myself and even some of what I like about myself is attributable to B.D.  My trouble sleeping, my meanness to my wife, my depression, my creativity, my distractability, my forgetfulness, my grandiosity.  The list goes on and on.  I wish I had found this all out much earlier in life.  I know everything happens for a reason so I know there's something good to come of all this, but right now I'm just glad I'm beginning to find out a bit more about myself.
  This is a chemical thing, not a psychological thing.  That's why my psychologist ain't able to make any headway (pun intended) with me.  I do know that I had a screwy childhood, but honestly, I can find my own way to deal with that through meditation, prayer, loving my family, friendship and blogging once I've been able to stabilize my mood chemically.  I have no idea what it's gonna be like to be normal.  Maybe my blog will start to suck.  Hopefully my family will be able to be happy and healthy the way I've always intended to help them to be.  That's the biggest thing.  Maybe the thought of bologna sammiches won't keep me up until three in the morning anymore.  My damn spell check says I misspelled OCD!  How do you spell OCD?  I should call it CDO so that it's in alphabetical order the way it should be.

Bipolar Disorder

  Went to two different counsellors today.  One wants to give me techniques to deal with anger.  One wants to see if I have bipolar disorder.  In my mind, if I do have it, then one is trying to give me a tissue for my sneeze while the other is trying to cure my cold.  My psychologist was hesitant to diagnose B.D. cuz she's probably under pressure from the Navy to not diagnose anyone with any medical disability that would give them medical benefits after they get out of the Navy.
  As it is, I may stand to get E-5 pay for the rest of my life if I really do have this.  Of course, I would dedicate my life to helping others if I was blessed with that kinda money.  That's what I like about the second counsellor.  He himself has B.D. so he can spot it a mile away.  He tries to help people.  That's what I would do.  I think anyone who has been reading my blog from the beginning can pinpoint when I was in a manic upswing and when I was depressed.  Handy Hint #1: If I talk about my feelings, it's probably a downswing.  If I talk about fried chicken, it's probably an upswing.  If I talk about my feelings about fried chicken, I'm just your average hungry Chinese guy.
  Most of Kayla's complaints about me read like the symptoms list of B.D.  Even the fact that my psychologist diagnosed me with ADD in conjunction with depression should have been a clue to tip me off.  I had a conversation with my sister who studied mind stuff in college and she can definitely see a lot of the symptoms in me for it.  I trust her more than any of these other people cuz she ain't gettin' paid for this shit.  She just cares about me and wants me to get better.
  If I am able to get the proper treatment, I think that will tremendously help to improve my life and my relationship with Kayla!  Any arguments we have when I'm better will be able to stay civil, fair and productive instead of devolving into anger, bitterness and resentment.  This could be the first time in my life I'm able to have a healthy self-esteem!  I've always been bogged down with the thought that everyone's better than I am.  It could just be that the mania got me feeling thoughtless and heedless of consequence and my depression got me feeling lonely, self-loathing and anxious.

Scar Chasm

  It's ironic that I just recently made the old song "Scar Chasm" by my old band, Shadow Puppets available on our MySpace page and on YouTube.  The song is about spiritual, mental and relationship struggles.  For months now I've been planning to make a video for it and today just seemed like the appropriate time to do that since I'm going through all that all over again.  Of course, without Kayla here, I had to shoot the footage myself.  Also, of course, since the Shadow Puppets are no longer together, I had to find a way to portray a band without any members but myself.
  My solution was an old standby: masks.  In the video for "Equilibrium" by Chief Loh, I had worn a mask simply because I wasn't very good at editing video.  It cut down on having to sync the lips up to the audible words.  Now, the guitarist and bassist are each played by me wearing different masks.  In the band, there were two guitarists, but there's only so much I can do.  If Jamie, Matt and Justin want to have words with me, I'm here.  Anyway, hope you all enjoy it.  Oh, and the lyrics are available at Zombie Genesis.

Let Her Find Peace

  I've been trying to stay productive here.  I wrote out a list of things to accomplish between now and May when I get out of the Navy.  I even went out an bought myself an electric razor so that I can cut my own hair. I'm thinking Kayla hasn't said much to me today because she needs some time to heal.  I'll give her as much time and space as she needs.
  I'll try to be as responsible with the household as I can be.  I've got a turtle, several plants, laundry, dishes and the general cleanliness of the place to pay attention to now that she's gone. Now I've got to keep up with the air filter in the heater and adjust the thermostat to keep a comfortable temperature in here.  These are all things she did that I took for granted.  I've gotta force myself to eat so that I don't become unhealthy physically on top of all the other ways I'm unhealthy.
  There have been several people on Facebook who have reached out to comfort me.  I only hope they can do the same for her in Tucson.  She needs it more than I do.  She's just left the comforts of home to a life of depending on others to help her out for now.  She's literally homeless and unemployed.  I can't stand the fact that I can't help her right now.  When I first met her I told her that as long as I'm alive, she would never have to work again.  I still don't think she should have to, but she wants to be able to support herself and the dog.  I told her she still has full access to our bank account.  Everything of ours is still at her disposal.  She is still my wife and I will take care of her until the day that I die (and beyond with life insurance, etc.).
  I know she just needs some time to cool down and distance herself from the emotional turmoil of this cross-country trip and our hectic relationship.  Once she's surrounded by the familiarity of Tucson and all her friends, I hope she'll find peace.  My plan is still to grow old together.  I've never even considered living life without her.  From our conversation where I said that stupid thing about just being friends and her reaction to it, I know that she doesn't want that to be the case and neither do I.  I have faith that as I become stronger spiritually, I will finally be able to convey to her in an unselfish way how special she is to me.  We will never just be friends.  She told me that she doesn't plan to divorce me and that it would have to be me who initiates that if it will ever happen.  There is no way I'm going to do that, so our marriage can only get stronger.  I don't see it staying the way it is or getting any worse (God, help us).