Saturday, February 12, 2011

Let Her Find Peace

  I've been trying to stay productive here.  I wrote out a list of things to accomplish between now and May when I get out of the Navy.  I even went out an bought myself an electric razor so that I can cut my own hair. I'm thinking Kayla hasn't said much to me today because she needs some time to heal.  I'll give her as much time and space as she needs.
  I'll try to be as responsible with the household as I can be.  I've got a turtle, several plants, laundry, dishes and the general cleanliness of the place to pay attention to now that she's gone. Now I've got to keep up with the air filter in the heater and adjust the thermostat to keep a comfortable temperature in here.  These are all things she did that I took for granted.  I've gotta force myself to eat so that I don't become unhealthy physically on top of all the other ways I'm unhealthy.
  There have been several people on Facebook who have reached out to comfort me.  I only hope they can do the same for her in Tucson.  She needs it more than I do.  She's just left the comforts of home to a life of depending on others to help her out for now.  She's literally homeless and unemployed.  I can't stand the fact that I can't help her right now.  When I first met her I told her that as long as I'm alive, she would never have to work again.  I still don't think she should have to, but she wants to be able to support herself and the dog.  I told her she still has full access to our bank account.  Everything of ours is still at her disposal.  She is still my wife and I will take care of her until the day that I die (and beyond with life insurance, etc.).
  I know she just needs some time to cool down and distance herself from the emotional turmoil of this cross-country trip and our hectic relationship.  Once she's surrounded by the familiarity of Tucson and all her friends, I hope she'll find peace.  My plan is still to grow old together.  I've never even considered living life without her.  From our conversation where I said that stupid thing about just being friends and her reaction to it, I know that she doesn't want that to be the case and neither do I.  I have faith that as I become stronger spiritually, I will finally be able to convey to her in an unselfish way how special she is to me.  We will never just be friends.  She told me that she doesn't plan to divorce me and that it would have to be me who initiates that if it will ever happen.  There is no way I'm going to do that, so our marriage can only get stronger.  I don't see it staying the way it is or getting any worse (God, help us).

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