Monday, February 14, 2011

Bipolar Disorder

  Went to two different counsellors today.  One wants to give me techniques to deal with anger.  One wants to see if I have bipolar disorder.  In my mind, if I do have it, then one is trying to give me a tissue for my sneeze while the other is trying to cure my cold.  My psychologist was hesitant to diagnose B.D. cuz she's probably under pressure from the Navy to not diagnose anyone with any medical disability that would give them medical benefits after they get out of the Navy.
  As it is, I may stand to get E-5 pay for the rest of my life if I really do have this.  Of course, I would dedicate my life to helping others if I was blessed with that kinda money.  That's what I like about the second counsellor.  He himself has B.D. so he can spot it a mile away.  He tries to help people.  That's what I would do.  I think anyone who has been reading my blog from the beginning can pinpoint when I was in a manic upswing and when I was depressed.  Handy Hint #1: If I talk about my feelings, it's probably a downswing.  If I talk about fried chicken, it's probably an upswing.  If I talk about my feelings about fried chicken, I'm just your average hungry Chinese guy.
  Most of Kayla's complaints about me read like the symptoms list of B.D.  Even the fact that my psychologist diagnosed me with ADD in conjunction with depression should have been a clue to tip me off.  I had a conversation with my sister who studied mind stuff in college and she can definitely see a lot of the symptoms in me for it.  I trust her more than any of these other people cuz she ain't gettin' paid for this shit.  She just cares about me and wants me to get better.
  If I am able to get the proper treatment, I think that will tremendously help to improve my life and my relationship with Kayla!  Any arguments we have when I'm better will be able to stay civil, fair and productive instead of devolving into anger, bitterness and resentment.  This could be the first time in my life I'm able to have a healthy self-esteem!  I've always been bogged down with the thought that everyone's better than I am.  It could just be that the mania got me feeling thoughtless and heedless of consequence and my depression got me feeling lonely, self-loathing and anxious.

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