Sunday, March 6, 2011

Underlying Issues

  Kayla and I were talking about our relationship and she made a point that stopped me dead in my tracks.  I've always known that for some unknown reason I hate myself.  I've explored some of those issues in past blogs.  What she said to me is that all the ways I hurt her are not to hurt her, but to hurt myself.  I mean yes, I started out this relationship hurting myself in many ways, but that wasn't good enough for my deep inner self who hates me.  Let's call him, Ego.
  Ego saw that Kayla actually sees the real me and loves me anyway.  No one I've met in my life was able to see past my various masks and fronts.  Those who did, still didn't have a clear view of who the 'man behind the curtain' is.  That takes a certain amount of care, patience and love that none but my wife have had for me.  She broke through all my bullshit, saw the real me, and understood that I'm just another hurt soul like everyone else. She alone has had the patience to pull back the layers and examine them one by one.
  My Ego has now moved on to trying to get out of the way the only person who actually loves the real me.  He sees that hurting myself only makes Kayla love me more and want to help me.  She has dedicated the last seven years of her life to helping me heal and grow.  If my Ego can hurt her enough that she pulls away in an effort to protect herself, then my Ego has won.  Not only will I be left with the original hate for myself, but I will hate myself even worse than before.  I will know that I was right all along that I could never deserve to be happy or to be loved.  My self hate will be justified because I hurt the one person I loved the most.
  Ironically, I need to stop focusing on making my family happy in order to work on myself.  I can't dedicate my life to them if I myself am so broken.  It's like in Kayla's blog titled, 'Forgiveness', my plate is empty so I can't fill theirs yet.  So in order to fulfill my dream of a happy, healthy family, I must first become a whole person and stop hating myself.

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