Zombie Creation

  I've renamed Zombie Genesis as Zombie Creation.  I did this because I'm writing original stories on this blog.  I also like the interplay of Evolution vs. Creation.  I'll still be occasionally publishing my old writing on this site, but now it's more focused on new material.
  I'm really excited about the Greater Number.  I've got some surprising directions I'm going to be taking the story in soon.  If you've been following the story, thank you and you've got some cool twists to look forward to!  I try not to be predictable with my writing.
  Also, if you've been following the Nocent, thanks!  We're now more than half-way through the story.  Things will be cooking soon between the Untaken and the Defectors.  I can't wait to reveal it to you.  And when this book is completely released, I'll start putting out its sequel, the Nocent part 3: Revenant War.

Survival Mode

  This morning my wife and I had a conversation bout my post-Depakote identity.  Many of my established routines came about as self-medicating measures against mania or depression.  I need now to sift through the various things I do regularly to see what and who I want to be now that I'm more emotionally stable.
  It's time to redefine myself now that I am no longer defined by my disorder.  My doc and I talked about how much of my personality developed as a defense mechanism against the negative environment of growing up with my family.
  Kayla pointed out that I was less structured when I was on the sub and for a little while after I got off it.  We think that's because I was on what we call 'survival mode' when I was on the submarine.  That meant that I was in a stressful situation and was therefore, more acutely aware of my surroundings.  I was ready for anything at any time.  I was more flexible because I didn't know what to expect from moment to moment.
  We think that now that work isn't stressful anymore, I've become complacent.  I've allowed myself to establish routines and have come to expect to live by them.  Problem is that I still have a family to take care of.  It would be unfair of me to expect them to conform to my comfortable routines.  They have needs that don't fit my rigid patterns.
  It's easy for me to see it's not them who have to change, but myself.  I can't continue to live as a slave to my disorder.  I definitely can't keep my family in a bipolar cage when I've been given the key to free them.  I love them enough to let them out from the clutches of the bipolar bear.
  Another thing I need to work on is calmly assessing a surprising situation.  Instead of getting mad I should look at it from the other person's perspective and see what they need.  If I don't just limit myself to what my eyes can see, I will have more empathy and compassion.

Script Shark

  At work today I had a conversation with a man who has written several scripts.  He's also appeared in a couple of movies.  He told me about a website called scriptshark.com.  On that site, they will put your script out to be read and considered for being made into a movie.  It sounds like it's just up my alley!  When I got home I checked it out.  It seems that anything they would do for you comes with quite a hefty price tag.  The only thing that's free would be the actual putting out of your script.  I guess, that will be a site I go to once I've learned how to write a script.  There are probably plenty of websites out there that can help me with that.  I've got tons of stories that I could turn into scripts.
  I'm finding out a lot about my writing abilities with the Greater Number stories I'm writing.  I can see what I need to work on and what my strengths are.  I know I have a lot of good ideas, I just have trouble fleshing them out fully using descriptions and other writing techniques.  It's almost like I'm putting out the stories as a draft to be refined before having them put into print.
  Orson Scott Card often mentions a website called hatrack.com or something like that.  I'll have to check that out.  He usually thanks people on that website for helping him refine his stories before he publishes them. I don't know if that's his own site or a general site that any writer can go to for help.  I hope it doesn't cost money.  As a matter of fact, I'm going over there as soon as I publish this blog.
  I'm adding this after having posted the blog already, but I just wanted to mention that hatrack.com is Orson's website.  I added it as a link in 'My Favorite Authors'.

Hand of Karma part 4

  I just wrote part 4 of Hand of Karma today.  After I put it out, I walked the dogs.  During that walk I realized that I merely mentioned an entire story's worth of material in a few sentences.  I realize that at a future time I must write out the saga of what happened at Xi' an.  Their story must be told.
  I don't remember if I've already told you this or not, but I'm thinking once I've written the stories of the Greater Number, I'll publish the whole thing as a novel or a collection of short stories.  It's funny how I've spent years working on the Nocent stories, but this story just dropped in my lap and it seems to be turning out pretty well so far.  I'm interested in seeing where it goes.  The spontaneity of it is invigorating!
  Sometimes I look back at it and see big mistakes and inconsistencies, but that's all part of the fun of it.  I mean, I honestly thought there was a segment of the Great Wall in Xi' an, but when I looked at the map, I realized my mistake.  That's when I made up the part about the bus ride from Shaanxi, where the nearest segment of wall is. Well, anyway, I'll try to be more careful in the future with my geography and stuff.

52 Pick Up

  When you're bipolar, focusing on a task is like trying to build a good hand in a mental game of poker while your mind wants nothing more than to force you to keep playing 52 Pick Up.
  When I wrote part 2 of The Greater Number 2, I decided to leave it with a cliffhanger, but I had no idea what I was going to build to.  This morning, inspiration struck so I wrote up part 3.  I think I like the way this story is shaping up.  You know, if this series of stories ends up with many sequels, I might just seek to publish it as a new novel.  To think, it all started as a dream.  I'd say it's come a long way since then, if I must say so myself.
  As a matter of fact, Zombie Genesis has gotten four followers!  Can you believe that?  People are actually following the stuff that comes out of my noggin!  I don't even follow it all that well all the time!  To my worldwide readers, please check out the blogs of my followers.  I'm not too good at this whole social networking thing, but I think they'd appreciate it.  I know I would.
  Kayla and I got Tim Burton's film, 'Ed Wood' sent to us by Netflix the other day.  I was struck by how similar he and I are.  He's a guy who is passionate about the stories he has to tell.  He wants to get them out to the world, but he has to face a lot of naysayers and people who don't believe in him.  I'm not trying to whine or nothing.  I really do have an amazing readership which I do appreciate immensely.  Friends from middle school, high school, college and other places, plus all my worldwide readers.
  It's awesome to see how popular my New Chinese Proverbs were too.  It started out as just a bunch of thoughts, then I wrote them down.  Now people all over the world have read them.  I'm sorry, but grandiosity is one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder.  Depakote, please humble me.  I don't want to turn my readers away with an over-inflated ego.

Frankenchicken

  When you're bipolar, you alternate between feeling like that proverbial chicken with its head cut off and feeling like that chicken's head.  I feel as if Depakote has reattached the head to the chicken.  Now Frankenchicken gets to pick up the pieces of his life and sort out what's what.  I never knew how good it feels to be more or less whole.
  Today my wife and I went to speak with a doctor down in Jacksonville about the results of a psychological evaluation I took a couple weeks ago.  He asked my wife what she noticed about my personality before the Depakote.  She told him a lot of her observations of my behavior.  Without even knowing it, she touched on some very telling signs of bipolar disorder like grandiosity.  Several of the things she mentioned corroborated the results of the test that the doctor already had in his hand.
  He pointed out that the evaluation I filled out took place before I was prescribed the Depakote.  He was curious as to how I would respond to the test now that I'm on it.  I went downstairs to the computer and redid the test.  This time, he said I seem to exhibit a lot less symptoms of bipolar disorder in my answers.  So now, I have two Navy psychologists, one civilian psychologist and one Navy psychiatrist who all agree I have bipolar disorder.  Whoda thunk it?

The Greater Number 2

  I've got fresh ideas brewing for a sequel to The Greater Number.  As early as tomorrow I may debut the first part of the story.  Also, I have over a dozen other short story ideas that I might start putting out soon.  Writing is so fun.  I hope the Depakote isn't making my writing suck!  My doc says it should manage my manic episodes without sacrificing my creativity.  Oh, goody!
  We just watched 'Rennaisance Man' with Danny DeVito on Netflix.  I had forgotten just how good that movie is.  I've just been having such a good streak of movies coming my way.  We also just made a trip to Borders.  We wanted to get some info about India and Tibet.  We want to learn about their food, their language, etc.  While we were there, she found a book called, Zombie CSU: The Forensics of the Living Dead by Jonathan Maberry.  Knowing me, I snatched it up immediately!  Can't wait to read that!

Re-Animator

  Just got Re-Animator sent to us from Netflix yesterday.  Watched it with my wife last night.  I had forgotten just how cool that movie is!  My wife liked it too.  It was the first time she had ever seen it.  She really liked Herbert West.  There are so many classic lines and scenes in there I had forgotten about.
  I'm half-way through writing the final part of the Greater Number.  It has been a really gratifying experience for me.  I mean, once I had that dream, the story practically wrote itself!  I've just been sitting back and watching where it goes.  I'm thinking once I'm done writing that, I'll start putting out one of my dozen other short story ideas.  It keeps my creative juices flowing.  I might put out a part of Six Shooter or anything really.  I'll have to go over my folder of short story ideas and pick one that I think will challenge me, but at the same time, be interesting to you.

Altruism

  It has always been my idea that if everyone is looking out for everyone else, then no one will go without.  Kayla has had to reel me back to reality in pointing out that not everybody lives like that.  If I continue to only give without any thought to my own needs, I will only hurt myself and, therefore, not be able to help others as effectively as I could if I took care of myself first.
  I just watched a movie on Netflix called, 'From A Place Of Darkness'.  Throughout the movie, Kayla and I were impressed with the metal guitar riffs during several scenes.  We sifted through the credits at the end to see the names of the musicians so that we could do a search on itunes.  It turns out the movie was made in Tucson, Arizona!  Not only that, but one of the main musicians is named Jamie Mitchell.  Now, I do realize that Jamie Mitchell is a common name, but Jamie Mitchell a musician (possibly metal guitarist) from Tucson, Arizona?  If you might recall, that was the name of the lead guitarist from my old band, Shadow Puppets.
  I tried looking him up on itunes.  I looked up both Jamie Mitchell and the name of the band, the movie attributed the music to, Ingo Swann.  Neither turned up anything.  I tried wikipedia and that had nothing either.  I tried looking up Jamie on Facebook and that was fruitless as well.  Oh well, if it is him, I'm glad he seems to be doing pretty well for himself.  Even if that's not him, I hope he's doing well wherever he is.

Underlying Issues

  Kayla and I were talking about our relationship and she made a point that stopped me dead in my tracks.  I've always known that for some unknown reason I hate myself.  I've explored some of those issues in past blogs.  What she said to me is that all the ways I hurt her are not to hurt her, but to hurt myself.  I mean yes, I started out this relationship hurting myself in many ways, but that wasn't good enough for my deep inner self who hates me.  Let's call him, Ego.
  Ego saw that Kayla actually sees the real me and loves me anyway.  No one I've met in my life was able to see past my various masks and fronts.  Those who did, still didn't have a clear view of who the 'man behind the curtain' is.  That takes a certain amount of care, patience and love that none but my wife have had for me.  She broke through all my bullshit, saw the real me, and understood that I'm just another hurt soul like everyone else. She alone has had the patience to pull back the layers and examine them one by one.
  My Ego has now moved on to trying to get out of the way the only person who actually loves the real me.  He sees that hurting myself only makes Kayla love me more and want to help me.  She has dedicated the last seven years of her life to helping me heal and grow.  If my Ego can hurt her enough that she pulls away in an effort to protect herself, then my Ego has won.  Not only will I be left with the original hate for myself, but I will hate myself even worse than before.  I will know that I was right all along that I could never deserve to be happy or to be loved.  My self hate will be justified because I hurt the one person I loved the most.
  Ironically, I need to stop focusing on making my family happy in order to work on myself.  I can't dedicate my life to them if I myself am so broken.  It's like in Kayla's blog titled, 'Forgiveness', my plate is empty so I can't fill theirs yet.  So in order to fulfill my dream of a happy, healthy family, I must first become a whole person and stop hating myself.

Rooting Out The Lows

  All this was at the subconscious level, but growing up I always noticed how different I was from everyone else. I always had the Korean way hammered into me, in which there are no individual opinions.  If you're Korean, there are certain things you're supposed to like and dislike.  For instance, Korean pears.  You just have to like Korean pears.  They will feed them to you no matter what because they can't conceive of anybody not liking them.  If you tell them you don't the only thing they can think of is that you must have had a bad one.  You must keep eating them until you find one you like, but it doesn't matter if you never do because you're the problem, not the pears.
  All those differences made me feel as if I weren't normal.  If a song came on that I didn't like, but it was popular, I was just supposed to listen to it because it's popular.  No wonder I had such a low self esteem growing up.  Add to that the fact that when I would move around because of my dad, none of my friends would ever even try to keep in touch with me.
  It's only been since I met Kayla that I've started to root out the sources of my deep inner emotional turmoil. I'm finally getting to a place where I'm beginning to heal a little bit.  Also, yesterday my psychiatrist gave me a prescription for Depakote which is a mood stabilizer.  I'm hoping the road to healthiness will be under foot soon.
  Tomorrow I'll be putting out chapter 20 of the Nocent, which is short but surprising.  Also, tomorrow I'll finish up writing the 5th part of The Greater Number and put that out too.