Monday, January 31, 2011

Zombie Evolution

  As this blog has progressed, it's evolved into several things for me.  It is cathartic, therapeutic, meditative, liberating and thought-provoking for me.  I gain insight as I write down my feelings based on my observations of movies, television shows, songs, books and life around me.  This blog has become my way of sharing with the world my deepest inner struggles, triumphs and failures.  It's a diary, a confessional, a journal, a couch and even a playground sometimes.  You have become my friends, my confidantes, my gurus, my priests, my shoulder to lean on and my companions on this journey of self-creation, self-recovery, self-invention, self-discovery and self-examination.  Of course, I also wish to help you, my readers to see things that perhaps you've never seen before.  To think of things, perhaps in a new way.  To understand things from a fresh perspective and perhaps even find yourself through some self-discovery of your own.
  My childhood was filled with trying to feel worthy of love.  To my mother, I was a trophy to show off to her friends.  It didn't matter if what she told them about me was true or not.  It mattered that it made her feel better about herself that I seemed to be better than her friends' children.  She even told her friends that I attended Harvard because she was too ashamed to admit to them that I only went to the University of Arizona.  To my father, I was a pawn to help him feel like a better parent than my mother.  I always knew what I was worth to them.  What I didn't know was what I was worth to myself.
  I never would consciously stand up for myself against anyone who would put me down or in any way try to harm me.  Instead, I developed an ego.  This ego tried to help me feel good about myself any way I could.  I would do good things for people, but not for their sake.  It was so I could feel better about myself.  All they were worth to me was what I could get from them.  It was me against the world.  Take as much as I can while giving up as little as possible was my goal.  I have difficulty finding many things in life I did for purely selfless motives.  I could count them on one hand.  Do you know how much it hurts/frustrates/scares/saddens me to find that out about myself?  It cheapens/darkens/uglifies almost everything I've ever done in my entire life.  That includes this blog.
  What I've come to understand is that I can still do a lot of the things I love to do, I just have to check my motives.  Am I doing this to feel better about myself or to selflessly benefit someone else?  I can still go to work and support my family, sing at karaoke, write music, write novels, blog, walk the dog and take the trash out.  I think a lot of my anger will fade once the empty meaninglessness of my ego's motives give way to love, respect and genuine compassion for my fellow human beings and all of God's creation.  A lot of my anger came out toward Kayla because my ego was threatened by her insight.  I hated myself for being so selfish and secretly not wanting to change.  Who knows, maybe even now I don't really want to change.  Only I hold the key to the answer to that.  I am the one creating this life.  If it's a life full of anger taken out on my wife, that's my fault.  If it's a life full of loving people, starting with myself, that will be my choice.  No one can make me be bad or good.  It's just a second to second choice I make.

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