Wednesday, January 26, 2011


  There's a sailor named Branch.  I told him if he ever opened a hospital for belly buttons he could call it the Branch Navel Health Clinic.  He didn't think it was very funny.  Speaking of branch, why do so many names for groups of people sound like a piece of wood?  You've got a branch, a board, a club, a panel.  Are people so boring that when they congregate, you think of trees?  Unisom, take me away!
  My daily caloric intake is gastronomical!  Here in the office, everybody has their little jar full of chocolates, candy canes, peanut butter cups, hard candies, peppermint patties and such.  I'm one grazing mofo.  Throughout my life, I've had several times when I gained anywhere from 15 to 25 pounds.  First time was when I worked at a sammich shop called Eric's Ice Cream.  All them little slices of cheese, cold cuts, pickles, olives, lettuce, tomatoes and ice cream gained me 22 pounds in one summer.  Of that, I lost 16 when I stopped working there.
  I worked as a dishwasher at Carrow's restaurant.  I gained 16 pounds eating order mistakes and free ice cream.  If someone's steak was over cooked, I 86ed it with a fork.  If someone hadn't asked for peanuts on their sundae, I 86ed it with a spoon.  86 was my favorite number!  When I stopped working there, I lost 12 pounds.  Damn my fast metabolism.
  When I delivered pizza, I was always making little pizza creations for myself.  I think again I gained 16 pounds.  I gained 22 pounds at Boot Camp.  I gained another 10 working with the cooks at the galley for two and a half months.  I have no problem gaining weight.  The problem is I lose it all within weeks of returning to a regular diet.
  Once a dentist asked me to keep a food diary for a week.  He gave me a blank chart and told me to fill it in every time I ate something during a 24 hour period.  Boy, it was almost comedic, the amount of writing I had to do.  The dentist was so surprised that my teeth are so healthy!
  Ever since I turned 30 years old, my metabolism has slowed a little.  I now hover between the 145-155 range.  For me that's high.  I guess I'm just small-boned.  I'm horizontally challenged.  They ought to make a minus size store for skinny people and short people.  We already have plus size stores all over the place, but what about us skinny folk?  Oh yeah, and why is a slim chance the same as a fat chance?  What's the skinny on that little oxy-moronic colloquialism?

No comments:

Post a Comment