Monday, June 27, 2011

Love And Approval

  Someone on 'Dr. Phil' said that they don't need their parent's approval, just their love.  Ever since seeing that episode, I've been thinking about the difference.  Last night on Netflix we watched 'Nobody's Child' in which someone was brought to a mental institution.  Throughout the movie, the scene would flash between flashbacks of bad memories from her childhood and what was going on with her in the present.  It was sharply contrasting her reality with everyone else's reality.  She would react, often violently, to imagined threats just because they reminded her of her past.  She was always waiting for her mother to come pick her up from the institution and she always saw herself as a little child.
  At the end of the movie, the character had become so strong in herself that she saw the little girl for the last time.  Instead of waiting for her mother, she gives the girl a warm, loving embrace.  After a while, the little girl disappears leaving only a strong woman.  She has chosen to love herself, no longer needing the approval of her mother.
  I think that often, my mistake has been that I have mistaken love for approval and vice-versa.  My parents have never approved of my life choices, but they have loved me.  I, of course, do approve of my life choices, but I don't think I have ever truly loved myself.  In my twisted way, I've made it my reality that they don't love me and that I do love myself.  For their lack of approval, I've turned away their love, leaving myself with only an emptiness borne of a loveless existence.  If not for having met Kayla, I could have gone through my whole life not knowing love.  The problem is that she both loves me and approves of my lifestyle.  So I've been able to keep my delusions of love and approval being the same thing.  I'm still that little boy wanting my parent's approval.  I need to give that little boy a great big, warm, loving embrace.

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